Follow-UP

Let’s do lunch – I’ll introduce you ---- I’ll get back to you --- Give me a minute ---I’ll get right on that --- These expressions of intention from people who are committing, but not promising,  are desires to follow- up on a request or a need.  The ability to follow up requires real intention and an honest desire to help and commit.  We have all experienced these resolutions but they are not always been fulfilled and  are often ignored.  What made me think of the value of  following up were the events of the last couple of days.  I was experiencing a follow-up extravaganza.  Things people had, with all good intention, indicated they would follow up with me.  I had  doubted those intentions would ever see the light of day.  I was wrong --- today was the culmination of many different follow-up items.   The car salesman followed up with a visit to teach me how the car worked; I was introduced to a book editor;  I was introduced to the Dean of a major Business School program; my tile person, landscaper and painter all showed up.  I was reminded of the value of follow-up.  The unspoken promise that  something would be done to benefit and then the promisor followed up and did what he or she had promised...     .  After months of unfulfilled promises while remodeling my house, suddenly I have a group of gentlemen that are following up on what they said they would accomplish. 

Follow up has little to do with accomplishment and everything to do with intention.  It says I care and what I say means something.    It says I intend to execute and will complete the task before promising the next one.  People will remember that you were the one that made good on your promise.  What was amazing for me is that all of this follow up came when I was least expecting it.  I am full of gratitude that these promises would be and will be helpful.   Never underestimate the value of follow-up on what you promised.   It will set you apart from all those many professionals who make the lack of follow up their hallmark.

LOST

I am stumped this week to come up with something clever, maybe funny.   I wanted to find a simple, obvious in its need, topic that we could all come together and agree that it is a problem worth doing something about ----- together.  It is a challenging task as there is nothing, I could say that you could not find an objection if you looked deep enough. The Inflation Reduction Act has 755 pages.  I am confident that there is something for everyone to hate in this piece of legislation.  However, there is probably a number of things you good like.  The problems we face as a community of people are so complicated.  There is nothing simple about any of the issues that we as a country or the world face.  It will take massive amounts of money, willpower, courage, and compromise to even approach a solution for anything that impacts a community on a planet of 8 billion people wandering around looking for answers.  I haven’t read the 755 pages in this legislation and I am sure most of our elected representatives have not read it either. I am confident, however, that some of this legislation will be a positive step to correcting the incredibly complicated issues it tried to find an answer to.  Given that it is flawed as all legislation is; given it does not fix completely the issues it tries to address;  given we as a country have never even tried to solve these issues; and finally given that it is a first step, flawed as it might be ------- Is there  no Republican (or the Republicans they represent) that could summon the courage to vote for a first step? Really?

Are we that lost as a community…?

REELS…..

I have given talks to groups extolling the virtues of real human connection and excoriating the weakness of electronic communication as it overtakes our lives.  We negotiate; we argue; we fight; we break up; we disseminate all sorts of deeply emotional interactions over the internet ignoring the remarkable value of facial recognition and the wonder of the human voice.  The internet is awash in all varieties of time-wasting apps allowing one to squander the precious little time we have to shorten the communication gap between humans.  But now, I too have been ensnared by the electronic elixir known as “Instagram”.  Recently my new daughter-in-law suggested that Instagram would be a wonderful way to connect with family and friends.  It seemed so innocent--- follow the exciting lives of your family and perhaps some new friends.  Who knows maybe even developing a “your story” following and becoming an influencer?

                                    BUT NO

None of that would come to pass.  Why do you ask? Because what she forgot to tell me was after playing around with the message app you soon learn that with the flip of your index finger you can “scroll down!!!”. Suddenly you have lost the cute picture of a friend’s nephew or the picture of your son playing golf or pictures of food you will never eat;  no, no  you are now in the addictive realm of REELS!!!  You are now hooked to an endless stream of athletic achievements you will never achieve; pictures of attractive people you will never meet, funny jokes., advertisements, women telling slightly off-color jokes, and on and on it goes. An endless stream of nonsense that eats away at what little time you have while in return offering absolutely nothing of consequence and meaning…….

I don’t have time to write more thoughtfully I have to check my Instagram posts…….maybe a reel or two : I can’t help myself…..

Clarity

The routine (or is it a ritual)  of getting coffee in the morning has become the activity I most look forward to in my new living environment on the water’s edge in Tiburon.  It is the interaction with the people in the café when they are at their most gentile as the day has not had a chance to wreak havoc on their personalities.  When I speak of it with others it is the coffee that always gets center stage.  But the coffee is not the main act it is the supporting act. Interacting with people at the beginning of their day when their defenses are down is the most intriguing.  Take the barista – he is Italian but it has taken me a month to get him to speak Italian with me.  Granted this activity received a little nudge when the owner walked in the other day.  I knew him from a previous life.  He and I exchanged greetings in Italian giving the barista permission to open the door if only a little.

Masking one’s feelings is a fine art that we humans insist on perfecting.  I sat next to an “older” couple.  I am not necessarily referring to their age as I might be “older” too.  No, it is more a description of two people who had been together for a long time.  The man was observing another couple sitting across the room.  He commented that the man adored his wife, observing how he and she were riveted as if they had just met. I want to believe they were wrapped in the glow of an intimate relationship that they were still enjoying.  The wife of the man who was doing the observing commented that she wished he looked at her in that same manner.  Perhaps being defensive or maybe just stating the fact he said I look at you that way all the time, I think you just don’t see me...

How can we be clearer about how we feel about each other?  How can we move away from the walls we build?  The walls to defend against the hurtful thing you did or said.  Maybe we are setting up our defenses for the hurt that is yet to come or the rejection that is sure to follow which exposes our vulnerability.  Our true feelings are like the wind flowing past us.  It feels good when it is warm but just as quickly locks us out when it is cold.  I think the man was commenting on the other man’s adoration as a way of telling his wife how he felt about her.  He was permitting himself to revile his emotions.  She, not recognizing what he was doing criticized him because she just wanted to hear it directly. She wanted the wind in her face, flowing thru her hair to hear and to feel what had not been said clearly or maybe for a while.

Remember to say it and say it often.  We all need reassurance that our feelings are valid.  Emotions are human, clarity not so much...

I love you

Epicurus

We need to eat…...

 I am fascinated with the hospitality industry, but more specifically the epicurean side of hospitality, i.e., eating and drinking.   In simple terms Epicurus believed in the enjoyment of life in moderation.  What I find amazing about the hospitality business is that it provides enjoyable venues bringing people from different walks of life together in an atmosphere of openness and kindness.  I attended such an event recently.  I was invited by one of my favorite restaurant owners (ok they are my favorites)  They were the guest chefs at The Hacienda of the Scribe Winery in Sonoma.  Scribe was founded by brothers Adam and Andrew  Mariani.  Amongst other beautifully crafted wines is their most recent release of the 2021 Estate Mission.  The Mission grape was the first European grapevine cultivated in California and this wine is the first to be produced on the Scribe property in over 100 years. (I didn’t know that) The spectacular evening meal was crafted by Daisy and Greg Ryan.  I have written before about their fabulous restaurants in the Santa Ynez valley – Bell’s, the Michelin Star Restaurant in Los Alamos and their newest offering, Bar Le Côté in Los Olivos.

 This commentary is not specifically about these businesses, rather it is about the warmth and human interaction that food and wine offer in a world in crisis.  Sitting down for a meal is the basis of an interaction that is uniquely human.  The act of preparing food, whether created by a Michelin Star chef or the simple preparation of a fresh plate of pasta,  is the acknowledgment that you are loved and cared for enough to make this effort to sustain you for whatever comes next.  Sitting down to enjoy a meal is the perfect moment for reflection and discussion.  A moment to tell you about myself and for me to hear about you.  I can demonstrate empathy as I listen to your story.  It is the appreciation that you are purposeful and we can share that purpose over a meal that was prepared by someone who cares. 

 I knew no one except for Daisy and Greg.  By the end of the evening, I had enjoyed conversations with many people.  Most importantly I engaged in real conversations with my hosts.  This dinner provided the foundation for what will become a friendship.  It might not have happened if it were not for the foundational relevance of the evening meal.  At its core the hospitality business allows its owners to replay this scene over and over.  The scene changes and the foods are different.  As difficult as this business can be, the true reward for the creators of these events must be that the music they create is different each night.  Unlike other artistic endeavors, the lines of this play and the musical score are forever changing.   The demonstration of love and caring as the meal is prepared; the opportunity to demonstrate your hard work as a chef or winemaker;  finally, the melding of the individual human experience is the essence of creativity. 

 Epicurus advocated living in such a way as to derive the greatest amount of pleasure possible during one's lifetime, yet doing so moderately to avoid the suffering incurred by overindulgence.  The philosopher would have been pleased with this evening and the results of friendships deepened and found.

 “Yes, I think I will have another glass ….” 

Nice Talking To You

My name was given as a reference by my daughter’s best friend. She had applied for an executive coaching job. I liked the interviewer as she was well prepared and asked good questions.  One question, in particular, required more than the stock answer.   We had been talking about empathy and the importance of establishing real connection with another person in the age of electronic communication.  She asked me how does that personal interaction make you feel?  I said  I could best answer by telling her about this recent experience.

It was a sunny day in Marin County as most summer days are.  I was grabbing a little lunch at a bakery/café.  I was sitting at a picnic table with my lunch companion --- my iPhone.  At the table adjacent to me was a group of three.  A mother with her 5-year-old son and her mother.  The two mothers were engaged in one of those serious mother/daughter conversations.  The little boy was not part of this discourse.  He was focused on a small book and otherwise looking around as five-year-old boys do.  He and I caught each other’s glances exchanging warm smiles.  I made a funny face and the little boy’s smile broadened; the mother noticed, perhaps momentarily concerned, as we live in the age of constant vigilance.   Seeing that concern was not warranted, she returned to the in-depth conversation with her mother.  Recognizing that tacit permission had been granted, the boy became more willing to engage with the man who was expressing interest in him.  He was holding a very tiny book in his hands and appeared to be reading it.  I asked him about his book.  What is the book about I inquired?  Everything he said.  Can you read that book? Yes, I can, he said with authority.  I asked if I could see the book.  He got up and came over to my table.    It was written in the tiniest print and seemed to cover a myriad of subjects as the pictures were easier to see but no less difficult to discern.  The little boy assured me that it was his favorite and that he read it all the time.  Regardless of whether he could or could not, the book was only a prop for our conversation which I can only describe as “adult’.  I asked him some of the usual questions about school, what he liked about school; what sports did he play.  I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he told me he did not think he was quite ready for a girlfriend.  It was the way he said it, so thoughtful and circumspect.  Our conversation was a mix of serious answers, jokes, and sarcasm but all in all delightful.  When he had tired of my inquires, he went back and sat at his table.  I finished my lunch and got up and cleared my dishes which I put in the proper receptacle.  The most touching moment was about to happen and it caught me by surprise.  I had to walk by his table to exit and as I did this little boy stuck out his arm with a clenched fist to give me a fist bump.  I immediately responded and bumped his fist with mine.  “Nice talking to you, see you around,” he said —- Nice talking to you, indeed.

You can’t receive that sort of connection or kindness through the internet, it is only available when you present yourself with authenticity.

Nice talking to you, indeed, my young friend.

Love versus Winning

Traveling by train from Venezia to Milano after having lunch with a colleague, I received a call from a long time friend. As he does frequently, he was checking up on me to see how I was doing. We chatted for awhile reviewing the events of our lives over the last few weeks. He is one of this blog’s biggest fans. He reads every week and often has a commentary on what has been written. We talked about the issue that I am writing for this week’s edition. Thus I dedicate this article to him and hope that I have met his expectations.

I spent the better part of my life in the securities business. I was fortunate enough to achieve a high level of success in a field of endeavor that I happened upon rather than sought. When I began my career, this business was broadly defined as investment banking, which distinguished it from commercial banking. With the repeal of the Glass Steagall Act in 1999, the lines were no longer drawn between commercial and investment banking.. It is a competitive world that is defined by winning. Winning a mandate; winning a deal; beating and therefore winning against the competition; winning a promotion and so it goes day in and day out —- an atmosphere of competition and therefore winning and losing.

While this is a successful structure for a business it is not as ideal for the other parts of our lives. For many the lines between winning a piece of business and managing the intricacies of personal relationships are often blurred. For many there is no distinction between winning a piece of business and winning the argument. “Battle lines being drawn no body’s right if everybody is wrong.” These words were written by Stephen Stills “For What its Worth” - 1966), when he was with the Buffalo Springfield are as prophetic today as they were then. I used these words on another piece I wrote with regard to the shootings in Texas. We are challenged when it comes to distinguishing between winning the argument and just choosing love. Family members lining up on different sides of the question are often looking for a win not love. Think if those conservative justices could embrace love rather than winning. They might have decided differently if they had loved the incest or rape victim who is now pregnant.

I was walking to a coffee shop in my neighborhood. As it happened I found myself walking next to a workman from a construction project on the street. We started chatting about the restaurant project he was building and the cost of food in this hi-priced neighborhood. I had the choice of engaging with him or keeping my answers clipped and distant. I chose to engage and develop a pleasant conversation about costs in my area versus where he lives. You might not see this as love per se but it was the choice between expressing real interest rather than winning or being right. We were just open to hearing opposing views without a score card.

I find our personal relationships get caught up in the vortex of winning. I want to win the argument by convincing you that I am right and you are wrong. Understand the history of our relationship the way I remember it and thus I win by making you accept my view. In the end, all I want you to know is that I love you. So why can’t we just say it. I don’t want to win I just want us to be together so we can argue another day. We get confused when we look for finality. You did something I didn’t like and I want retribution, I want to win. This drives us further apart. If we could just take the winning out of the equation and substitute the love we share as family, friends and lovers. Its more than the famous “can we, can we all get along?” Its the attitude or need to be right - to win. But if we had just chosen love as the immediate course of action we would still be together; we could still be talking, we could still be able to visit, we could still be together at the holiday dinner table, celebrating…..we could, we could just choose love…..the love we share

I love you…

Who’s Lying Now?

I find the Webster dictionary to be of great value when trying to understand the world.  Words have very specific meaning and very specific consequences.  We hear a lot of lies these days and a lot of explanations as to why they are or are not lies.  Washington is full of people whose job it is to make you think that what you heard was not actually a lie but was an honest depiction of the truth or the truth as they see it. 

To help you identify a liar I have taken six random names from the newspaper.  They have been written about lately and they have said things in the past that are not explicitly untrue but like the lie itself can be up to interpretation.  The names will be lettered and your fun activity is to match the numbered Webster definitions with the individuals listed.  There are different numbered groups.  Group I is a list of characteristics of people who are telling a lie. Group II is a list of types of lies, Group III is a list of rational and a special category. (Extra credit) See if any of these individuals can be identified with one or more of these definitional characteristic of people who have trouble expressing themselves truthfully..

A. Neil Gorsuch

B. Brett Kavanaugh

C. Samuel Alito

D. Amy Barrett

E. John Roberts

F. Clarence Thomas

 Group I

1. Being vague; offering few details.

2. Repeating questions before answering them.

3. Speaking in sentence fragments.

4. Failing to provide specific details when a story is challenged.

Group II

1.     Lies of Denial. This type of lie will involve an untruthful person (or a truthful person) simply saying that they were not involved.

2.     Lies of Omission. ...

3.     Lies of Fabrication. ...

4.     Lies of Minimization. ...

5.     Lies of Exaggeration.

Group III

1.    Deceitful

2.    Duplicitous

3.    Delusional

4.    Demoralized

5.    People can lie to two kinds of audiences: other people or themselves, and they can lie about two different kinds of things: Facts (or what they believe to be facts) and their values

     Special Category:

Definition of Uncle Tom: (Entry 1 of 3)

1.   disparaging : A Black person who is overeager to win the approval of whites (as by obsequious behavior or uncritical acceptance of white values and goals)

2.    disparaging : a person who is overly subservient to or cooperative with authority

3.   Uncle Tom, pious and faithful Black slave in Uncle Tom's Cabin (1851–52) by Harriet Beecher Stowe

It has been a rough year if you are a woman or a child in school

Lyle Lovett & The Warriors

I was in the process of writing a more serious post but that will have to wait for next week. Instead I am taking a moment to talk about the exciting week I am experiencing. In a world that seems so dire, conflicted and just down right miserable it is important to acknowledge the things that bring a smile to your face. Of course there is love and family which are paramount but this week for me is filled with events that will not actually make the world a better place but they definitely are making my week a better experience.

First, my beloved Warriors won the NBA Championship for the fourth time in eight years. The story lines are incredible from a “small” guard that literally has changed the way other teams play the game —- a former number one draft pick that people had forgotten about —- a coach that isn’t afraid to use his celebrity to call out in justice and the cowardice of our elected officials —- this is a wonderful story.

I have seen him perform in NYC, Chicago, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Aspen and now Napa. Lyle Lovett is one of the most gifted musicians of our day. I have taken myself to Napa to enjoy his amazing music.

Finally, I have five beautiful children. This is about my two boys. My eldest took me to a fabulous dinner at Spruce in San Francisco for Father’s Day. This Friday my youngest is taking me to the 5th game of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals in Denver where we hope to watch the Colorado Avalanche win The Cup!!

There is a lot of bad shit going down in the world but for this fortunate man it is a very good week. There are a few empty spots I would like to fill but c’mon man this week is a blessing.

Love to all.

With gratitude.!!!

Rome

I love the train. The train system I know best is in Italy. The system is especially good when you are going north-south, That is not exclusively so because trips between Milano and Venezia or Genova or Torino are also frequent and enjoyable. There is an independence in train travel that makes it so different than traveling by air. To be sure I am speaking of public travel. You all in your G-whatever are excluded but then that is why you travel that way - to exclude everyone else. There is a level of independence when you are traveling by train. Once you have your ticket the rest is pretty much up to you. The terminals are grand edifices — cathedrals of travel. Milano Centrale is the perfect example of such a cathedral. Opened in 1931 it is the largest by volume in Europe. The idea of the station began in 1906 but construction did not commence in earnest until 1912. Due to the economic crisis attributed to World War I construction was very slow but in 1925 a renewed effort to complete the station resulted in its opening in 1931. It was inaugurated by then Prime Minister Benito Mussolini who saw it as a demonstration of the success of his Fascist regime. Regardless of who cut the ribbon, this station is still a marvel in elegance and substance.

Train travel is simple in its efficiency. There are no separate terminals for competing airlines, no buses driving around and around taking confused and exhausted passengers to said terminals. None of that —— you arrive at the terminal with your luggage which never leaves your side. Fancy that, you are in charge of your own luggage. Pack as much as you want as it is up to you to lift it. The schedule of all trains are represented by an enormous electronic billboard ( think a Jumbotron stadium scoreboard) which flashes your train number; time of departure; arrival city and the binario (the track from which it will leave). You walk to the numbered track, rolling your bag to the designated coach, get on the train, find your seat and you are done. Except, of course, when the conductor stops by to see your ticket. When you arrive at your destination — repeat. In the interim you sit quietly in your seat and read, sleep, or watch the world go by from a large window. What is missing is the interminable instructions that come over an indistinguishable PA system —— seat belts; tray tables, overhead luggage; under your seat; oxygen masks and on and on. No one selling you credit cards or scolding you because you got out of your seat at the wrong time. You are not crammed into a seat that was made for a ten year old. It is a demonstration of a basic service being provided and the trust that you are capable of finding your seat; taking care of your belongings and entertaining yourself. All the while the service does what it said it would do —- moves you from point A to point B. All at 200 mph.

The other benefits of this modern yet simple form of transportation —- one - It gets you to your destination when it said it would and two - you don’t have to wait for your luggage because your luggage is with you at al times. Finally I didn’t have to put my tray table up, nor my seat back, turn off my computer, wait for the jet bridge operator to wake up or wait for the gate to open up. I just got up pick up my bag and walked off the train…

Milan to Rome — 3 hours!!!! 356 miles —- simple

Taking a Break…

….. from the sad news of the day. There is so much it is hard to find good news, but happily it is found on the sports page (as in a newspaper page when we used to read newspapers). My family members are huge fans of the San Francisco Warriors basketball team. This team has been built in large part through cleaver draft picks and the recognition of players who had not reached their true potential. The Warriors will play in the NBA Finals for the sixth time in eight years. A remarkable achievement accomplished only by the Los Angeles Lakers and San Antonio Spurs. My hockey coach son is also ecstatic that the New York Rangers and the Colorado Avalanche are playing in their respective conference finals. Although there are losses and tragedies, i.e., sad news, in sports, it is the overarching positivity that makes sports news always hopeful. Individuals and teams do not play sports thinking that the outcome will be bad news. Sports are embraced because we are hopeful. We identify with sports because most of us have played sports throughout our lives. No matter the level of play, what is important is we have played the sport and can identify with the challenges and the successes. Regardless of the level we achieved in a particular sport, we can identify with the difficulty of achieving at the highest level. It is that personal identification that brings us close to sports and supporting sports teams. I mean, really, who can or wants to identify with the likes of Mitch McConnell??? But Steph Curry!!now there is a man one can identify with, after all we are the same height….I can identify with that!!!

Location is important for identifying and supporting a sports team. No wonder The World Cup is so popular. Aside from being The Beautiful Game, The World Cup gives you the chance to support something your country does that doesn’t require you to ignore your principles as a human. For my family the 49ers, Giants and Warriors were an integral part in creating positive conversations and opportunities to attend spectacular events. The players were central to the community and could be seen as “regular” people thus furthering their relationship to the community. Always fun to see Joe Montana having dinner with his family at a local San Francisco restaurant.

So here is a shoutout to the sports we love to play and love to watch. They offer a pleasant respite from the sad news of everyday. They offer something to cheer for but most important the keep hope alive and a smile on our collective faces. Regardless of the outcome there is always next year and a better chance of winning.

GO WARRIORS!!!!!!

Déjà Vu All Over Again…

It did not take a rocket scientist to see where the gun debate would go after another 21 people were slaughtered at a school. Pres. Biden comments that Mitch McConnell is coming around to supporting gun legislation.???? Are you kidding! McConnell will do nothing to support anything the smells of Democratic legislation. This is a man who has zero interest in governance for the country and only is interested in his personal power. This is a man who represents a state with a population of under 4.5 million. Yet he has driven appointments and legislation that has curtailed the rights and the ability of choice for millions. The thought of he or any other Republican willing to “do the right thing” is completely out on context with the world we live. Mark my words there will be NO significant legislation on guns until we vote out of office people like Mitch McConnell. Voting for representatives is not like voting for a couple on Dancing With the Stars”. Votes, like actions, have consequences. If you don’t “like” Hillary or Joe, then you receive the consequences of no reasonable gun legislation; a supreme court willing to ignore your right of choice and state legislatures ability to limit your access to the ballot box. When you vote, vote as if it has consequence because it does. The longer we elect the Mitch McConnells of the world, the longer we will have choices limited and our children at risk.

….I think it’s time we stop

Children, What’s that sound? Everybody look, what’s going down?

… There’s battle lines being drawn

Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong. Young people speaking their minds. Getting so much resistance from behind

Buffalo Springfield —- 1967

Written 55 years ago and here we are!!

Sad, indeed

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WHAT ARE WE DOING!!!

 Those words were uttered by Sen. Chris Murphy this afternoon after 19 children were shot at a Texas elementary school, ten days after another shooter killed 10 African Americans at a grocery store in Buffalo.   He delivered his remarks on the Senate floor and can be viewed on CSpan (May 24, 2022, at 2:40 pm PDT)

His speech was passionate and riveting.  We have more mass shootings in this country than days in the year.  He reminded us of the continuing emotional trauma that the victims have years after the event.  He pleaded with his fellow Senators to “do something” to stem the rising tide of these events in the United States.  It was a rallying cry for help and action.  You might even feel a wave of positive emotion that finally our elected representative might try to do something to cure this disease of hate and violence that is fueled by selfish arrogant media personalities and fomented by thoughtless politicians.   Check yourself,  all you have to do to understand that nothing will be done is to read Sen Murphy’s identifier at the bottom of the screen

D-Conn

That is all you need to know when assessing the possibility of action. Not one R-State will ever support him.   He is a Democrat and thus anything he says will be objected. We will quickly retreat to our tribal tents and bemoan the loss of lives while we tune into Fox News.

We are the only country in the world that has this problem except for Russia which chooses to bomb the shit out of schools and hospitals and thus their numbers are much larger.  Thus, in comparison, the US looks great.  The strange company we choose to align ourselves.  It is a sad day when in reality we are no better than the country we so routinely criticize for killing its citizens.

It is a sad day indeed…

Mothers to the Rescue

Last week I wrote about the incredible event held the day before Mother’s Day.

We are all still basking in the glow of this beautiful wedding.  With all the beauty – flowers, people, venue, and testimonials — beautiful vignettes often get lost in the frenzy of the moment.  As a tribute to Mothers who are always there – resourceful, loving, and solvers of problems, I write of a small but important example why we celebrate our Mothers.

Orchestrating hair and make-up are a critical part of any wedding especially one with a full complement of people in the wedding party.  No one wants to go first, everyone wants to go last but that is not a possibility because we all know who goes last---The Bride — after all it is her day. 

The orchestration of this necessary project was amazing.  The youngest member of the wedding party was my 9-year-old granddaughter.  Her mother with three other children had a full house and a full job.  By the time my granddaughter arrived at the bridal suite things were rapidly concluding.  Inexplicably the hairstylist exited stage left and was nowhere to be found.  My granddaughter would have survived without her hair being done but the mothers of the bridal party would have none of that ---- Mothers to the rescue!!! Immediately Ms. Arizona and Ms. Michigan announced – “we have you covered girl”. These wonderful women who could have been more focused on themselves went to work to make my granddaughter feel special and part of the group.  A little thing you say --- You would be wrong.

I am not sure what genetic alteration occurs when women become mothers but their resilience, protectiveness, and just plain – we are here and we will solve this.  Across the spectrum of problems and crises, it is the women in our world that are the consistent steady hand that gets things done seamlessly.

It might seem to you that my granddaughter’s hair was not a problem worth writing about. I beg to disagree.  This simple act of kindness made her a part of the larger group.  It said to her – you are important and we care about you.  That is a powerful message for a nine-year-old and one that she will carry with her as she develops her skills as problem solver and care giver..

My sincere thanks to the “Mothers of the Bridal Party “ for making this little girl feel special.

Happy Mother’s Day

The Party’s Over…..

The party’s over…...

Turn out the lights, the party’s over – they say all good things must come to an end

But why??? It was all so amazing and beautiful.

My son and his incredible, beautiful partner were married last weekend.

It was an event that due to fires; a pandemic and a variety of broken promises took two years to achieve. Yet, after all of the issues, the result was amazing.

Flowers, food, and venues were all presented to perfection. Even the weather held out for three days. The original date was set for July two years ago and on that date, the temperature was 106!!! that is when the talk of winter weddings was in full gear. The band, oh the band, they were stupendous. They were so good the dance floor was full even at 1:30 am!!!! Yes, indeed, I was still on the dance floor at 1:30. Of course, I did have some extra incentive – it is still early stages so we will write about that later in the year. But then Sunday arrived and the reality that the party was indeed over set many of us in a downward spiral of depression as we wanted the party to never end.

As I thought about the last few days and the actual wedding, I was wondering why it affected us so deeply. It wasn’t the flowers or the spectacular vineyard setting, the band, or even the eloquent speeches or our too funny Mistress of Ceremonies. No, it was the people and the love that was in every corner, at every table, and every event. There is something about making the effort to travel a long distance and put your best clothes on for a loving event. You bring -- “YOUR “A” GAME”

It started at the first casual function followed by the rehearsal dinner and concluded with the actual wedding. People were present and available. The guests talked with each other not just with the people they knew. Everyone was available to meet new people and to explore where they were from, their relationship with the couple getting married, and more – much more.

There was an atmosphere of loving curiosity and availability for conversations that could be continued after the event had concluded. It was just the right atmospheric mix that allowed people to be comfortable, let their guard down, and experience the joy of being with people merely for the happiness that we can bring when we are genuine and interested. Tribalism and social barriers can separate us but that was not present for three days. This was a human event that fostered a loving curiosity about our differences and our commonality. This wedding was all about love and human kindness and that is why we never wanted the party to end.

It was an honor to be present

With love

Your friend and father…

Expectation vs. Presumption

I wrote last week about the challenges of expectation and how setting expectations is not without peril for the person setting those expectations for a client or personal relationship. The counterpoint to expectation is the presumption. I presume that I will be able to create a lovely living space out of the small home I purchased. I also presume that my interior decorator will create a beautiful living space that will not only fit my needs but will create the requisite beauty that will be admired by friends and family. The problem with presumption is that you are assuming that the outcome will fit your parameters and your thought process. But not all people think like you!! Hard to imagine but that is the truth. I imagined that my family would visit my ranch every month —- the issue with that presumption is that I failed to take into account that my daughter’s family had many agendas that might not fit mine. After all I did not have children competing in tennis tournaments or had homework that needed to be finished for the next week’s school. The issue with presumption is that it is all about you. The presumption fails to take into account the other person. Presumption is an exercise without empathy. I am presuming that what I want is what everyone else would want . After all it is my good idea. Obviously people have their own agenda and their own expectations and ultimately their presumption as to the outcome.. So if my decorator and I have the same presumption , the outcome will be beautiful and harmonious. But if we fail to converse and discuss, then my presumption will not match up and her expectations will be challenged and. As disappointed as we may be over unmet expectations, it is unexamined presumptions that can direct us down a path of failure and disappointment.

Relationships require careful consideration of both expectations and presumptions.

Tread lightly my friend…

Managing Expectations

I was listening to an NPR segment on the difference between name-brand gas like Chevron and no-name gas. Essentially there is none except the price. There is a no-name gas station in Mill Valley. When gas was over six dollars a few weeks ago I bought gas there at 5.75. Today I went back to that station and bought gas for 5.00. With all the talk about high gas prices, my expectation was a per-gallon cost of 5.75-6.00. I was, of course, delighted that gas was ONLY costing me 5.00 per gallon. Never mind that less than a year ago that same gallon would have cost 3.00. But the power of expectation gave me the false sense of buying gas at a bargain price.

I am doing a “minor remodel” of a small home in Sausalito. My contractor indicated that it would take about 6 months to complete. It has now been 9 months and the project is nowhere near complete. I am disappointed with my contractor for his inability to complete the project in 6 months. If he had told me the project would take 10 months I would be thrilled that he was going to finish a month early. The power of expectation has set us on a negative relationship path because I am disappointed with his performance given the expectational path he had set at the beginning of the project.

Setting expectations is challenging. Whether we want to “make the sale”, provide comfort to a concerned population, or manage a personal relationship; what comes out of our mouths sets the tone for everything that comes next. It happens every minute in our fractured political environment. Politicians trying to keep their job by promising you things they have no control over. The previous President Liar did this every minute of his presidency feeling that his expectation setting had no consequence. We do this in our relationships because we hate to disappoint those we love. We want to present the best possible outcome when convincing someone to buy our product or become our client. Eventually, our framing of the issue in the most positive of outcomes will create a worse negative situation if we cannot produce. Hence the expression “under-promise and over-deliver”.

In its most basic form, managing expectations is about being truthful. If you cannot defend your truth then don’t say what you cannot defend. We cannot guarantee all outcomes even if we believe they will occur. Hence the value of the verbal caveat. When asked, give a truthful answer to setting expectations with a heavy salting of caveats that can protect your credibility and keep your client, friend, or loved one from expecting too much and then becoming disappointed. It is not an easy path but helps to keep the anxiety to a manageable level.

I expect it will rain tomorrow but then again I am not sure….

Bachelor Party

Dear readers, forgive me for missing in action last week. I took a week off to try to wrap my head around the craziness that is our daily life in 2022. Remember when we were so happy to see 2021 go away and now look where we are.

On a lighter note, I was also distracted by the events of this last week and weekend. My youngest son had his bachelor party in celebration of his upcoming wedding in May. It was a 5 day affair!!! Now I know what you are thinking - strip clubs and other forms of debauchery. You would be wrong. The “weekend” events started with a very sophisticated intimate cocktail party hosted by one of my very best friends at an iconic San Francisco establishment. This was followed by a golf day, followed by a tennis day with dinners and many cocktails during the evening. What was different from the predictable bachelor party bad behavior was the celebration of friendship. This group of young men were there to enjoy each others company. They exchanged stories, talked about successes, talked trash on the golf course, imagined the future and exchanged world views. This was a celebration of their friendship and an opportunity to wish their friend and my son the very best as he embarked on this next most loving chapter. I was honored to be a part of it and felt welcomed at every event. What ever you might think of when you think Bachelor Party this was a truly fantastic event and one that will be remembered by all who were fortunate enough to attend.

Thank you gentlemen for including me.

With love….

Unimaginable

It seems unimaginable that I have written this blog every week for almost two years. What is also unimaginable is that I have loyal readers who read this blog every week and many send me comments which I greatly appreciate. Speaking of unimaginable….

It is unimaginable what is happening in Europe in the 21st century of what we falsely call civilization. What Russia and the scumbag are doing to Ukraine is unimaginable. The loss of life, property and civilization is unimaginable.

Listening to NPR and the Senate hearings on the nomination of Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court I discovered further evidence of the fall of civilization. It is unimaginable that the likes of Cruz, Cotton, Hawley, Sasse, Graham, Cornyn, would demonstrate just how big a jackass one can be while questioning this highly qualified and intelligent woman. An unimaginable display of just how far we have fallen as a Democracy.

It is 85 degrees here in San Francisco on March 22nd. Again it is unimaginable that we as a society refuse to accept that global warming is a reality and further unimaginable we are doing so little to correct the problem.

I imagine the world to be a better place, but today it all seems unimaginable.

Fulfillment

We live in a forward looking culture. I am not referring to our view of the future and how we can best prepare for that future. After all, if we were that forward thinking we would have prepared for global warming. No, I am referring to our “grass is greener” forward thinking. You know, the nicer car, better house, prettier girlfriend, more handsome boyfriend, the better job —- well just about everything better is just around the bend or at the end of the rainbow.

As we watch in horror at the devastation being wreck upon the people of Ukraine, I have been more focused on fulfillment in my life. Embracing what I have accomplished but more importantly what I have right now. We can do the same introspection as a country.

Instead of looking at the things that we do not have a solution for — global warming, political division, world war etc. maybe we could focus on those things that have fulfilled us. It can be as personal and granular as the things that have fulfilled my life - children, grandchildren, career, moments of love and togetherness. These are moments that have filled our cup to overflow. But fulfillment is not just for personal recognition. We as a society should recognize and embrace the fulfillment that is ours as a country. Is it perfect? Of course not, but we as a country and culture have much to be grateful for and much that has fulfilled us. We are looking ahead to a better tomorrow or a change in political environment or the myriad of things we see as greener. Perhaps we should think about how fulfilled we are as a country and culture. Given the recognition of fulfillment just might cause us to think that cooperation and collaboration would be a better way to govern.

With gratitude…