Familiar vs. The Unknown

The Familiar vs. The Unknown

I was walking down an unknown street in an unfamiliar city and was thinking, as one does as the years move on at a seemingly faster pace.  Thoughts of how one builds relationships and maintains them over time.  Is it the familiarity of our surroundings that make those relationships easier?  They were not always familiar as they were once new as we took the risk to change our surroundings --- to try something new.  I am thinking it is the passage of time that softens the blow and mitigates the risk --- then it all seems familiar once again.  Could it be that simple --- just the passage of time?  I was thinking as one does walking an unfamiliar street…..

The Familiar

A place of comfort

Caring and consistent

Predictable welcoming easy warm

The road most travelled

Unguarded you feel protected

You do not allow vulnerability as you embrace familiarity

It is a place you can be exposed

Easy and effortless

You know the result

You are recognized by your accomplishments you are seen

You are loved and you allow yourself to love and be loved

Vs.

The Unknown

A place of mystery

Uncomfortable, unprotected, unsure

You build your walls, fear is your guide

A need to prove, to establish, guarded as you struggle

Not warm or caring but you are not allowing, lonely

Strength thru Vulnerability

A place of discovery to start again renewed

Excitement, risk taking, discovery

A new self, perhaps an old self

Lost without the familiar

A place of potential

Of love, success, comfort

A place that is now familiar

I was just thinking as one does……

Rule Followers

Lago di Garda

The largest lake in Italy—1100 feet deep and covers 142 square miles. Situated between Venezia and Milano.  Towards the end of WWII Benito Mussolini and his family lived at the Grand Hotel Feltrinelli for 600 days in Gargano on the shores of Lago di Garda.  He was not shot there, rather he was shot near Largo di Como and then hung in the streets of Milano. I was there under more pleasant circumstances…

As I sat in the sauna of the fabulous LeFay Spa above Lago di Garda, I was not thinking of Benito but how fortunate I was to be enjoying this beautiful part of the world…. until

There are many things I like about Italy, but what I especially like is their loose relationship with rules and regulations ---as my favorite pirate Barbossa said “The Code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules.”  I like this attitude and have tried to emulate it where appropriate.  My visit to the sauna, in my opinion, is just such a place for rules to take a back seat.

However, there are other people in the world who have a far stricter interpretation of rules.  They not only believe in a stricter interpretation but believe that it is their job to make sure that others follow the rules!  I don’t want to make this a cultural thing or goodness to be profiling…  but I think people from the North of Europe are more prone to fit into this category of rule following. Regardless of culture, you have run into or witnessed those self-appointed rule police.

As I sat in solitude experiencing the intense heat of this spectacular sauna, lost in my thoughts of life and love, the door opened……two things exploded my solace

1.    I believe there comes a time in a grown man’s life that no matter how well or poorly endowed you are, you should keep that exposed part under wraps, solely for the viewing pleasure for that person closest to you. The gentleman entering felt it important that all bystanders should be aware of his endowment or lack there of.  At his age those days of unnecessary exposure are over and not improving. There is a reason sculptors use models in their 20’s not 70’s.

2.    In his Saxon accent – “you are not supposed to wear swimming garments in the sauna, there is a sign right here” as he pointed to a sign filled with warnings about the heat.

I am a surfer from Southern California and I am convinced that board shorts are always appropriate.  The Beach Boys didn’t write songs, loved the world over, about following rules, especially about what to wear or not wear in a sauna. But they did write about surfing attire.

I chose to ignore this unnecessary intrusion, although GFY did come to mind.  Instead, I employed my favorite trick and pretended that my miracle ear was not functioning.  I lasted another ten minutes in the heat and then exited without exposing my quite frankly better-looking body parts under wraps.

The Pirate Barbossa and the Italians believe rules are more like guidelines….

Vulnerable

I had a brief hick-up with the platform that supports this blog.  The blog did not reach my readers at the usual time.  I wrote last week about an absurd reality ---- it now costs money to talk to a real person.  Such a treasured experience now has a price,  but talking to a robot or AI is free--- or is it.

Alas, another costly tool that separates us.  I started to think about the fragility of friendships.  I know when I was going to school, I was sure that my friends would be my friends forever.  Those friendships dwindled to a precious few and then they disappeared altogether.  However, I knew the friends I saw every day at work would now be my friends forever.  As the years flew by and working in an office became more challenging or nonexistent those friendship dwindled.  I suppose that given time they will go the way of my school friends -- drifting into the sunset of in-person office work.

My daughter was born three houses from her best friend.  And, Surprise, they are still best friends. How is it that some friendships stand the test of time and others fade with its passage?

Some run into the headwinds of competition, others flirt with convenience, some are cleverly strategic and some coincidentally are born of proximity.

Friendships can be illusory, but, just as in any other relationship, they take a lot of consistent work. However, a key component often overlooked is one’s willingness to be vulnerable.  Rather than building a relationship with the guard rails of strategy, jealousy or manipulation, one might allow themselves to be vulnerable.   It is vulnerability that allows us to be open to mistakes and the strength building of forgiveness.  Best not to be too strategic in building a friendship or a relationship but to be present, available and vulnerable.

This “work in progress model” is all the more difficult when we are separated by machine distance.  Building relationships in this way is the best argument for in-office work.  The ability to forgive and rebuild is easier in person.  Allowing oneself to be vulnerable opens the door to those around us to see that our fallibility is only a demonstration of our humanity which in turn is warm and welcoming, not cold and calculating.

-----Just musing about the treasure that people hold when they have someone who is “my best friend….”

Thoughts….

Thought:

 It was not my fault---Last week’s blog did not reach many readers as the platform it is delivered on failed to perform.  Solution? Call someone younger than me.  I enlisted the help of my daughter – not a PA but an otherwise all-around brilliant solver of most problems – both technical and emotional.  She called Mailchimp (The Platform) and began a “virtual” discussion to try to resolve the issue. Spoiler alert: like most things technical and virtual the discussion took way too long (3 hours) thus another data point of how technology has NOT made us more efficient but provided a different manner with which we waste time and productivity.  Further spoiler alert: there was never any real solution as “they” claimed it was:

1)   the time change

2)   I published it too late

Therefore proving that even virtual people point fingers at someone/something else.

In an astonishing display of how technology has distanced us from each other or human interaction --- the platform offered a “live” conversation with a “human” BUT you had to pay for the opportunity!!!What!!!!! yes, it is true --- real human interaction now cost money.  I suppose a more positive way to look at this amazing occurrence is to embrace the importance of real human interaction.  Mailchimp is actually quantifying how important talking to each other is in real time and in real space... 

Lesson:

While you still have the chance reach out to another human and talk to them in real time ------ while it is still free

Another thought.

I use my wallet every day.  There is truly not a day goes by that I do not touch my wallet.  I also touch and use my cell phone everyday ----Most days, when I am in the US, I also touch my car keys and house key…...Additionally but not every day I use my sunglasses.

Question?

Why is it that I put these things in a different place most days? Why would I create yet another reason to evoke stress on my mental well-being wondering around the house looking for these seemingly essential items?

I never (well almost never) misplace my underwear….

Buongiorno and Thanks for reading….

You Just Never Know… (Copy)

…unless you take the risk  ---- even for just a little bit.

I took myself to lunch at a small French café in Mill Valley.  I know the two women who run the place.  Having not been there for a while I was greeted with hugs and “where have you been?” I placed my order and sat down at a small table in the back of the café. I immediately plunged into solitary mode as I look at nonsense on my phone.  In a minute or two I was aware that an elderly man had taken up residence at the table next to me.  Walking with a cane he slowly settles his somewhat delicate frame onto the bench next to me.

Decision time:

I had the choice of continuing my solitary nonsense scrolling or engage.  Admittedly I withdrew from engagement and kept scrolling but….

“Do you live here?” My seat mate did not shrink from engagement.  As a matter of fact, he plunged right in.  He is a Scottish gentleman. His name is Callum.  He taught Asian comparative literature for years at Cornel University.  He was curious not only about where I lived but my ancestral heritage as well.  I wished my sister had been there because she knows Scotland well.  I was struggling to get beyond Edinburgh.  His wife, Debbie, arrived.  She was German and had taught at the private school my three oldest children had attended.  We spent the next minutes tracing our lineage and within the blink of time we had a pretty good sense of our lives and our very distant past.  We left a lot of discovery in-between if we had chosen to continue

I have thought about this encounter over the last several days and why it meant something to me.  The obvious is the importance of taking personal risk by exposing a little of yourself to another human who you have no context.  After only a few sentences it turns out that we did have context and what made the conversation interesting was that moment of discovery. 

The other obvious point is the more we bury ourselves in the isolation of scrolling the more we distance ourselves from the very thing that makes life interesting.  The warmth of discovery of another person. 

I give my unknown seat mate a lot of credit for engaging with me.  He engaged in a way that made his questions authentic.  Another person might have found it intrusive, but his inquiry and his gentle manner only made me more interested and less guarded about my answers.

I am sure he was an amazing professor even though his topic seems a bit far afield.  His natural curiosity only made me want to discover more about this charming couple.

My regret is that I did not stay longer as I am sure the conversation would have become far more detailed and interesting. My gratitude is for Prof. Callum who, once again, demonstrated that technology is amazing and valuable, but it is limiting.  It is limiting the world from experiencing the true delight in engaging with another human.  It allows us to play it safe, stay scrolling, as we hide inside our blank screen stare.  There we are, risk free, looking at our phones.

Take some risk ----  “Hello, do you live here?”

 I celebrate myself

And what I assume you shall assume,

For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

“Leaves of Grass” ---- Walt Whitman (1855)

You Just Never Know…

…unless you take the risk  ---- even for just a little bit.

I took myself to lunch at a small French café in Mill Valley.  I know the two women who run the place.  Having not been there for a while I was greeted with hugs and “where have you been?” I placed my order and sat down at a small table in the back of the café. I immediately plunged into solitary mode as I look at nonsense on my phone.  In a minute or two I was aware that an elderly man had taken up residence at the table next to me.  Walking with a cane he slowly settles his somewhat delicate frame onto the bench next to me.

Decision time:

I had the choice of continuing my solitary nonsense scrolling or engage.  Admittedly I withdrew from engagement and kept scrolling but….

“Do you live here?” My seat mate did not shrink from engagement.  As a matter of fact, he plunged right in.  He is a Scottish gentleman. His name is Callum.  He taught Asian comparative literature for years at Cornel University.  He was curious not only about where I lived but my ancestral heritage as well.  I wished my sister had been there because she knows Scotland well.  I was struggling to get beyond Edinburgh.  His wife, Debbie, arrived.  She was German and had taught at the private school my three oldest children had attended.  We spent the next minutes tracing our lineage and within the blink of time we had a pretty good sense of our lives and our very distant past.  We left a lot of discovery in-between if we had chosen to continue

I have thought about this encounter over the last several days and why it meant something to me.  The obvious is the importance of taking personal risk by exposing a little of yourself to another human who you have no context.  After only a few sentences it turns out that we did have context and what made the conversation interesting was that moment of discovery. 

The other obvious point is the more we bury ourselves in the isolation of scrolling the more we distance ourselves from the very thing that makes life interesting.  The warmth of discovery of another person. 

I give my unknown seat mate a lot of credit for engaging with me.  He engaged in a way that made his questions authentic.  Another person might have found it intrusive, but his inquiry and his gentle manner only made me more interested and less guarded about my answers.

I am sure he was an amazing professor even though his topic seems a bit far afield.  His natural curiosity only made me want to discover more about this charming couple.

My regret is that I did not stay longer as I am sure the conversation would have become far more detailed and interesting. My gratitude is for Prof. Callum who, once again, demonstrated that technology is amazing and valuable, but it is limiting.  It is limiting the world from experiencing the true delight in engaging with another human.  It allows us to play it safe, stay scrolling, as we hide inside our blank screen stare.  There we are, risk free, looking at our phones.

Take some risk ----  “Hello, do you live here?”

 I celebrate myself

And what I assume you shall assume,

For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you.

“Leaves of Grass” ---- Walt Whitman (1855)

Friends

Let me stipulate that family is an amazing unit and the love of family is uniquely human and wonderful.   This week I am writing a short note in recognition of Friends.  Especially real friendships.  I don’t me the “let’s do lunch” friends, I mean the friends that actually “do lunch” metaphorically speaking. 

I had many experiences this week which underscored how important friendships are in one’s life.  This group of friendship experiences ran the gamut of the contributions real friendships bring to one’s life.  A friend……

• Introduced me to an organization that could advance my speaking engagements

• Roasted and made a special blend of coffee just so I could try it.

• Had dinner with me and my sons to talk about life and plans

• Took over for another friend in an expensive obligation

• Bought coffee

• Sent me unique ingredients for my smoothie to help my hair grow.

• Called to see how I was doing

• Told me I sounded truly happy, which I am - nice someone else noticed.

• Went for a walk with me

• A friend called because I was the friend of the week.  He was determined to reach out once a week to a friend he had not seen

The list goes on and it was only this week.  We all have a lot to do, but we also have friends.  It is hard to fit it all in, but fit it in we must.  Without friends we lose support, assurance, affirmation and a unique form of love that reassures us that we belong and are not alone….

A Time to Talk

When a friend calls to me from the road
And slows his horse to a meaning walk,
I don’t stand still and look around
On all the hills I haven’t hoed,
And shout from where I am, What is it?
No, not as there is a time to talk.
I thrust my hoe in the mellow ground,
Blade-end up and five feet tall,
And plod: I go up to the stone wall
For a friendly visit. Robert Frost 1874-1963

The Pleasures of Friendships

The pleasures of friendship are exquisite,
How pleasant to go to a friend on a visit!
I go to my friend, we walk on the grass,
And the hours and moments like minutes pass. Stevie Smith 1902-1971

It’s the Little Things…

The Little Things Matter

Saturday morning —- I am up early --- made my bed --- reference:

Admiral William H. McRaven University of Texas Commencement Speech 2014

The little things matter

It is rainy blustery day - took a shower -- visited my coffee spot – Poggio – talked to my pals: Diego, Freddy, Vivi, Jorge -- filled the tank --- gluten-free bakery --- talk to my daughter --- talk to my daughter-in-law --- pedicure --- went to San Anselmo. There's a coffee shop there, four talented musicians are there on Saturday morning, jamming. The place is crowded * A couple had an extra chair at their table * They offered the it to me * I didn't know them but we chatted like old friends * I was wearing a jacket that I had won at a horse show * Turns out they were into horses too * thanked them for the chair * wished them a great day * left some money for the band * went to the next little town * walked around Phoenix Lake.

It had just rained and the lake and the creeks were full of water.  All was green, fresh and peaceful.  A true oasis from an otherwise chaotic and sad world. The air was fresh and pure.

When I returned to my car I took a deep breath and thought to myself --- this has been a wonderful morning.

I just don't think we pay enough attention to the little things. I felt good about this day. It's not that I accomplished anything big. Didn't complete a transaction, didn't make any money or solve any fundamental problems.  I just did little things but all the little things were really quite pleasant.  My reward was a feeling of joy and calm.   

There is so much in the world that is big.  Everything is outsized – Ukraine – Russia – Gaza - that guy that lies all the time (just can't figure out why we allow him to dominate the narrative when none of it is true.)  Contrary to the dominance of the world, this morning, my day, was full of little things.  A day filled with the miniature and people that I love.  I felt good about acknowledging them instead of focusing on the big things.  Little things deserve attention.

I was concerned about what I might write this week.  As I sat in the car with the rain coming down, my car filled with that soothing sound, I thought about the little things.  Those were the things that warmed me on this chilly day.   It’s 10:00am and I have the whole day ahead of me to accomplish big things.  Or maybe I will just focus on the little things and let the big things take care of themselves.

When we have accomplished little things, stayed in touch with those we love, done some personal care things our day is already an accomplishment.  Emboldened by the understanding that completion is already a part of my day. Perhaps not in a global context, but in the context of my life, I feel replenished and complete.

It's the little things 

Indifference

The open market euro-dollar exchange rate makes everything euro roughly 10% more. By the time you pay fees on exchange transactions, that premium is around 15%.  For Americans traveling in the EU a benefit comes in the form of the refund one receives when paying the VAT or value added tax when buying consumer goods – clothes, jewelry and that, can’t live without, object d’art.  The trick is you have to assemble an inconvenient amount of paper work. On your way out of the country, you have to remember to get all of this paperwork stamped by a custom agent.  Officially you have to present all of these items to the customs agent.  However, many of these agents will accept the fact that you packed them in your checked luggage before you sought to get the customs stamp on all that paper work. 

I travel to Italy often, however; I tend not to buy much and thus, do not go through this process. 

This trip, however, I did have an item which I wanted to declare and receive a refund.  I assembled the aforementioned paperwork and presented it to the agent after packing it, of course, in my checked luggage.  This agent refused to stamp my paper work without visually inspecting my purchase.  I explained to him that I had deposited many dollars exchanged into euros into his country and that the government he represented had benefited greatly from my visitations to hotels, bars, restaurants etc. etc.  He displayed a level of indifference that sadly is a common occurrence.  I cannot say this level of indifference is the sole province of people in uniform, but it is a common occurrence.  People in positions of temporary power often take advantage of their ephemeral ownership of power to make things challenging for those of us who do not have that momentary authority.  Needless to say, this negative experience created a somewhat sour note to an otherwise lovely journey.

I have thought about this over the last few days and reflected on how indifference effects the process of building relationships.  Relationship building is a methodology of incorporating big successes with the incremental glue of our humanity.  Solid relationships are built progressively.  We all have the opportunity of improving the interchange between people in the way we handle our phased building efforts. 

Think of the interactions with government and those empowered to help or prevent us from obtaining the necessary documents or permission needed to conduct our lives in a world filled with bureaucratic requirements.  Think about the time you exchanged an item that did not work or you just did not like – think about your interactions with all sorts of people in uniform.  Those that allowed you to abide by the rules as if they were suggestions rather than requirements.  My customs agent forgot that at that moment he and he alone represented his country and how it wanted to be presented to the world.

Building relationships is an iterative process.  One can focus on the bigger issues in that process, but like many things it is the smaller issues that can slow that process down when not done properly.  Like the customs agent, he may not think of me as important nor his actions critical, but in that moment he represented his country and his indifference was a bad representation.  Likewise, one’s indifference to the unimportant part of a relationship is the issue that will be remembered.

Maybe he had a bad morning or received bad news but from my perspective this customs agent rather than strict adherence to code should have paid attention to the….

Pirate Hector Barbossa in Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl: When referring to the Pirate’s Code:

“The code is more what you’d call “guidelines” than actual rules.”

More Than Hallmark

Hallmark Holiday??

I know you were expecting a sweet Valentine’s message last week but I was distracted……

Valentines by the numbers:

Consumer spending: 25.8 Bn USD

Clothing: 3 Bn USD (lots of sexy outfits) Jewelry: 6.4 Bn USD (BLING)

Evening out: (no wonder restaurants LOVE this day) 4.9 Bn

How the rest was spent:

40% on Cards – 37% on Flowers (250 million stems of flowers globally—1/3 roses 1/3 tulips 1/3 the rest.  Most come from Kenya, Columbia and the Netherlands

Who is the recipient:

US consumers expecting a gift—- 52% That percentage could easily win a Presidential election ---

57% of all consumers buy, give, and receive candy

190 million cards and that doesn’t count the hundreds of millions of cards school children exchange

A little history

It is truly global with most countries having some type of event to celebrate – LOVE. 

First Valentine’s was sent in the 15th century

Like many holidays it has its roots in an ancient Pagan festival. This was a fertility festival----You probably figured that out yourself. ---- Love a fertility event

You get the idea —-we spend a lot on Valentine’s Day.  

I follow baseball but not as closely as I once did.  However, I am always struck with this feeling —— when a team wins a game by many runs — a score of 15-2 as an example and then loses the next day 1-0 —- I think, why could they not spread those runs out in a more economical fashion so to help win the close games instead of squandering all those unneeded runs??...  

I get the same feeling when I consider all of these Valentine’s Day numbers.  With this intense interest in love on San Valentino - why can’t we spread all that extra love out over the rest of the year? 

Don’t get me wrong I am enough of a romantic to believe that making the effort to show someone how much you love them is a good idea.  I just believe we are squandering a lot of this effort for only one day. You don’t have to spend millions to show love.  You can just say it.  Showering the one you love with gifts on one day does not give you a pass for all the others.  Can’t we spread all of that money and effort over a longer period and to a broader group. Everyone could use a little love (well maybe not Putin)

The sad news is that it takes a massive marketing effort to get us to recognize the importance of love when it would be better to practice it every day. We cannot use the ONE to assuage our gilt for being such jerks the rest of the year.  

There are so many ways that we could demonstrate love on other days.  It would be amazing if we could remember to give just a little of this effort to those that need love but are not known to us.  

The world is replete in crisis, wars and other amazingly horrible human produced challenges.  Yet we are able to muster enough desire to look away from ourselves only on one day??.   Spending the equivalent of the GDP of Jamaica (or you pick any other small country) on gifts and flowers, but cannot seem to translate that desire to show love in a broader and more consistent fashion.   

I am not trying to throw cold water on Valentine’s Day.  To the contrary I would like to see us support a Valentine’s Day every day in the form of giving to others.  The world is a dangerous place but not without solutions.  If we could spend more on love and less on wealth and power this might be a far more loving planet.

Valentine’s day, rather than a Hallmark holiday, could be a demonstration of what solutions are possible with cooperation, compromise and yes – love.  Can we focus on spreading “the runs we scored” on Valentin’s Day over more days? Helping to promote the probable, the possible, the potential and the lovely. 

Maybe we will receive an extra kiss on the cheek or if lucky – much more.

Rituals

Ritual -- (an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set or precise manner) can foster stability and dependability. Ritual can give comfort, security and familiarity.  We most often associate ritual with religious rites and ceremonies.  It would be a mistake to equate rituals with compulsive behavior or other such negative characteristics.  Rather think of ritual as a positive tool builder. The idea of ritual can be helpful in relationship building.

This is especially true with the discipline necessary for effective and consistent follow-up.  The frequency of the lack of follow up in our lives is testament to the lack of consistent or ritualistic behavior.  One wants to demonstrate the ability to be reliable and consistent when building the trust required to form a long lasting and successful relationship. Think of it in terms that ritual can make that learned behavior more familiar. 

Organized religion relies on the consistency of ritual. Growing up my family attended church services on Sunday with regularity.  We were consistent. I am sure I did not know the meaning of what was being said but I understood the timing of the various songs and phrases and when they appeared in the program.  As I grew up this process became engrained—a ritual.  Consistent repetition was the key to my belief that these rituals had value.  I am not suggesting that religion is the way to learn follow up, I am just taking a page out of their business model.

Why follow up is so challenging for people might be a combination of things.  Lack of passion for the avocation you have selected, or perhaps knowledge insecurity---however what is clear is the immense value of following up in your personal or business pursuits.  Follow up demonstrates you are disciplined in your approach and are solution driven for your clients.  People appreciate the effort and the value you bring when you are disciplined to follow up.  Returning calls promptly, answering questions, developing research and solutions to problems discussed.  These are all potential requests that require follow-up. 

The question is why we procrastinate in doing any of these things promptly.  There are distractions everywhere and alternatives that divert our focus.  The success of someone with consistent follow up skills is evidence enough to focus on developing your rituals to help make follow-up part of your business ritual. 

Taking notes, ticklers on your computer or the use of the computer driven applications that can help you keep track of the promises you make.  Whatever are the appropriate rituals for you are the things to focus on and embrace so that they can help you be a consistent messenger of the things you promised to follow up on.

Sultans of the Net

I was listening to an NPR report covering the “Sultans of the Net”.  This is the nickname for the Turkish women’s national volleyball team.  They recently won the European championship and are ranked as the second-best team in the world.  The US women are the number one ranked team. They are both headed to Paris and the summer Olympics.  It will be a difficult ticket as women’s volleyball is growing in popularity.

I was watching my eleven-year-old granddaughter play volleyball with her teammates.  The demand to be on these teams, like those in Turkey, is growing.  She is a member of a group of uniquely gifted young women playing the sport.  Aside from winning what I noticed was the unique comradery of the team.  After every point they met in the middle of the court to touch hands and prepare for the next point.  It was an act of affirmation.  Affirming their support for each other, their ability and their friendship.  With this renewed strength they were prepared for the next point.  They performed this affirmation after every point.

I had lunch the other day with my dear friend and real estate agent.  There were two tables in the restaurant that caught my attention.  These two groups of women were celebrating the birthday of one of their friends.  I find that women are especially good at celebrating important events with their friends.  Giving support through crisis and celebratory events is a common female activity.   I witnessed the generosity of these two groups as they stopped to celebrate a friend and reaffirm their friendship and support.  A simple yet powerful act.  As demonstrated in the physical presents of the coming together of the young women on the volleyball court, generosity comes in various forms.

The common theme is the constant affirmation of friendship that is being expressed.  Volleyball seems to me to be uniquely suited to the female mind set of reaffirming friendship and support.  It is taught and mirrored at a very early age.  My granddaughter is being taught at every point in her game that she is part of a whole.  She is not the star yet she is the star as are all of her teammates.  At every point in the game the model of “I am part of a whole and that whole is the team” is being replayed as her colleagues meet in the center of the court and reaffirm their support for each other.

Affirmation is another way in which we can generously extend and give of ourselves.  Generosity of spirit is more effective than the generosity of the checkbook.    As we build relationships with our business colleagues, our clients and our friends, it is important to remind ourselves to think about the ways in which we can show generosity.    It does not have to have a numerical value as the richness of one’s presence is powerful and long lasting.  When building a relationship your generosity is a clear signal that you are sincere in your efforts and are bringing your present self to that effort.  Find a way to come to the center of the court to indicate that you are part of the whole and that the whole is better with your generosity

Children’s Sports

There was a scandal on the woman’s volleyball court which required immediate attention and a halt in the game --- too many substitutions!!!

Having flown at their expense, another scandal erupted in the men’s hockey tournament. The team was  threatened with all wins forfeited because of a player eligibility crisis.

More Ice Hockey news – for the D-1 men’s club hockey program games are being scheduled at 10pm during finals week.

More volleyball news-- families are asked to give up their entire weekend to travel 5 hours to watch their daughters play for 5 minutes of a two hour 3 out of 5 set match

A sunny afternoon soccer game is disrupted by the hi decibel discussions of parents unhappy with the officiating.

Puppies are brought in to calm the players nerves before the big game allowing plenty of time to cuddle and play.

One of these things is not like the others

One of these things just doesn’t belong

Can you tell which thing is not like the others

By the time I finish this song.

…. Sesame Street

Let me help you – The first 5 story lines are all stories from the annals of our children’s sports programs.  The soccer scene could be any soccer game ages 5 and up.  Volleyball players are 10 —- hockey players are 18 year university students. 

The outlier is ,of course, the puppy story. That scene —— The SF Forty-Niner’s locker room before their NFL Conference Final.  No children and no amateurs.

The eligibility story came about because a player was called home to care for his single mother. The volleyball girls are 10 years old. The soccer scene is repeated on almost every field with children.  The late-night games were to make way for an adult pick-up game

I am a big fan of sports of all kinds but what we are teaching our children has little to do with sport proficiency and everything to do with conflict and our inability to teach conflict resolution.  The governing bodies are having trouble understanding this is not the Conference Finals and they are not running a professional sports franchise.  Perhaps we should be stepping back and teaching our children good sportsmanship and kindness along with sports skills instead of transactional behavior.  There does not have to be a winner and a looser for everything.  Sometimes holding a puppy is the best way to teach cooperation and understanding.

…..What happened to that Golden Retriever puppy?

Here Comes the Judge

A judge is a person who renders honest decisions, not decisions based on bias or prejudgment.  Keeping an open mind may be the most important and most difficult of judicial tasks.

Patience, dignity, fairness, impartiality, honest

What judges are NOT supposed to do is impose in their decision making.

The judges that sit on this current US Supreme Court are imposing.  In their writings and speeches, they are making it clear where their prejudgment is on various issues and they bring those prejudgments to the cases brought before them.   They are imposing not judging. They are not open minded.   The conservative wing of this Supreme Court bring their preconceived beliefs and renders their judgement based on those preconceptions.  They impose through the vail of legal jargon.  The conservative wing hides behind the use of legalese and obscure references to previous case law and perceived technicalities of the US Constitution.  What is disturbing about this is they are able to pick and choose language which serves their purpose.  The US Constitution, although relevant, was also written in 1787.  A lot has changed in the ensuing 237 years.  The interpretation of the Constitution serves a similar purpose as strict adherence to the Bible.  A document that was written in many parts almost a century after the death of its principal character.  These documents can be manipulated to support many sides to the same question.

 Alito – Thomas – Gorsuch – Barret – Kavanaugh - Roberts use the obscure and complicated to convince us of their brilliant legal minds.  It took Alito 213 pages trying to convince us that Roe was an imposed doctrine when in fact he and his colleagues were doing the imposing. They were legislating through a morass tangled language and case reference.  The Roe decision was specifically based on a woman’s right to govern her own body.

The sad result—— the highest court has developed as a legislative body with preconceived decisions on major principles of this country. 

 Most importantly these justices are not rendering decisions based on impartial thinking.  They bring their belief system to the court and rule based on that belief system.  They are neither open minded nor impartial – a basic tenant of judging.  There is no mystery about their decisions.

The judicial branch is not a legislative branch.  This court is legislating and legislating in a way that is not in accordance to the believe system of the country as numerous polls and studies have shown. 

No wonder they are an untrustworthy organization.

Destiny

I was a little stuck this week on a subject for this week’s blog.   During the week. I had experienced many positive things as I was returning from Europe.

There was the amazingly positive impact of the Global Entry system as I breezed through the customs hall.  I did feel slightly guilty as I observed the massive amount of people packed cheek by jowl waiting to reenter the United States.   I could have written about several experiences on my trip but then…. a familiar problem swept into my life.   Admittedly it is a problem I face frequently.   I needed to solve a software problem. I don't mean designing software I mean figuring out what the software designer meant when he/she thought I would know intuitively to press the key in the bottom left of the screen, when I was convinced it was the button in the upper right.  After a few feeble tries on my own and multiple “m…fers”…I called the help line.  In a frustratingly sarcastic tone and a few more muffled “m…fers” the gentleman on the phone happily transferred me to……. “Hello, my name is Destiny, how can I help you?”  She was, indeed, destiny for me.

I don't know what part of the country Destiny is in but she sounds like she might have been from the Southern US.  Regardless she was the software solution to my software problem. Let me stipulate that all things digital are not necessarily my forte, so it could have been an easy fix for many, but not for me.   Destiny, literally, spent an hour on the phone with me. She walked me through the solution that required multiple clicks and multiple redirections, passwords and email addresses, all of which were done in an order which was unfathomable to me.  It doesn't really matter what the problem was as all such problems having to do with passcodes and button pushing are challenging for many not just me.  These programs are all designed by humans and the big assumption is that that human will have the same intuitive logic that I do and that is a stretch. 

What was so impressive about this experience is the dedication to arriving at a solution by this woman.  I am sure that all day everyday she deals with one faceless voice after another.  I am sure many are not as kind or understanding as this frustrated prompt pushing internet user.  With amazing perseverance and patience, she walked me through the myriad of prompts and button selections to achieve the stated goal. I am sure she has done this many times before.   What was further impressive to me, was her desire to seek a positive outcome and an appropriate solution. I was a faceless client to her as she picks up phone call after phone call. I don't know if her employer has any appreciation of her patience or her ability to achieve an outcome that is positive for both client and company.

How does one replicate an employee like Destiny? Is she rewarded for this kind of effort or is it just part of the human condition at her workplace that people are seeking an outcome that is achievable?  Achievable by their unique expertise, that expertise may not be incredible and it may not lead to a revolutionary solution but for this moment she was achieving all of what software had to offer.

We live in a world that is becoming more faceless and more impersonal as technology replaces human connectivity.  Where is the training that would allow a woman like Destiny to achieve excellence in a job where she can never know her clients and will never see their faces?  I can only attribute Destiny’s excellence and resolve to the character that only she brings to the job.  Here is to the Destinys’ of the world.  Regardless of what phone center she walks into she and the few others like her distinguish themselves in their humanity to help the faceless frustrated software users of the world.

Thank you destiny I have no other way to thank her other than write about you

Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: DESTINY!! DESTINY!! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING THAT FOR ME!

Young Frankenstein (1974) Gene Wilder as Dr. Frankenstein

Fly with Me-(do I have to🙏🏻)

Safety First…..
This subject is not necessarily unique, and they are an easy target. But a recent event just set me off on this industry —- again!! It's an industry that hides behind safety. No one wants to get in an airplane and not takeoff and land!! Therefore, as an industry, safety is their first concern. If they don't take off and land, the economic impact on the airline company is fatal. Let's  stipulate that as an industry we expect, no, we demand that they do these two critical things.  These two things are at the core of the business. Everything else is truly ancillary. Having said that, as companies they are also building relationships with their customers. At that they are a failure.

First,  they are not listening nor are  they empathetic. I think if they were to embrace either one of these two  foundational relationship building  blocks, they would be constructing their business in a different way. I don't know anybody who enjoys sitting in a straight back  chair for a six hour flight with their knees underneath their chin.  Nor do I know anyone who enjoys being “nickeled and dimed” at every possible juncture —- headphone, upgrade food, drinks , etc. etc. This industry has managed to make the rules of engagement so complicated and costly that no normal person could possibly understand. This has nothing to do with safety. They have done their best to distance themselves from customers. There's no real human that we can talk to, or at least a human that has some semblance of empathy and understanding. Of course, when the airlines get themselves in trouble they run to the taxpayer, obtain  a bunch of money to keep operating. They are protecting their employees, keeping the airlines safe. Are they really keeping us safe?

If I were in that business and somebody was controlling when I took off and landed. I would want them to be educated, heathy and happy. I would not wait for somebody else even the government to take care of this problem.  Do I want the control tower employee to come to work grumpy and disgruntled? No I want him or her to be super happy, so happy that they want to make sure that my plane is going to land safely.
I come to Italy frequently. Sometimes my plans change. We live in a dynamic world. Circumstances are such that this dynamism requires change.  I don't think it's fair to be punished for a change in circumstances.  My dentist doesn't punish me beyond the pain of drilling my teeth if I have to change my appointment.

I had a return date to come back from Italy. I had to change my return date by two days. Suffice it to say it became inconvenient for me to return on my original date. I was flying in business class which, by the way, is not where you think first class was. It's basically an economy seat with three more inches.  Meaning that my knees and my chin do not actually have to make contact for 12 hours. When  I asked United Airlines, they told me that to make this change would cost me. And they were not kidding Let’s talk numbers — my original round-trip was $4600. The change was going to cost me 4500 that's correct $4500 to change my my departure date by two days with no other change. I'm not sure about you, but that doesn't necessarily create a warm feeling or make my relationship with this company better.   I'm not an occasional flyer on this airline. I fly a lot and I generally pay the full freight. In reality the only reason I fly them is because I have no other option. That’s why competition is a good thing. The model for this company is takeoff and land for the safety of the company and the ancillary benefit would be the safety of the client. Other than that, United does little of material benefit for their clients. They are not listening, nor are they empathetic, nor are they trying to create a product that might increase the enjoyment of their client's experience. What other company would create a product, and then to demonstrate how the CEO feels about the product he chooses to fly privately. We all would like that option. If you are thinking about building a relationship based on the skills of empathy and listening, United would not be the best example. Unless of course you're able to secure dominance, regulatory protection and fear.

Motto : fly the friendly skies because you're scared and we are all you have 😎😎

New Year 2024

Argh! the conclusion of another year…. Some will lament its passing others will be happy it has come to an end.  Either way I think the majority of us would be willing to agree that it all went too fast as Tempus Fugit is alive and well —- unless you are a 5-year-old.  For them everything moves too slowly.  Listening to and reading the lists of “Best Of “seems an exercise in futility as we are looking in the rear-view mirror as all of these lists grow in irrelevancy as soon as they are exposed to the public light.  In addition to the “Best Of” we are exposed to the predictions for 2024. 

Given the state of world affairs –

War everywhere – Ukraine, Israel – Gaza – Yemen – Haiti – Iran – Democratic Republic of the Congo – Ethiopia – Libya – Myanmar – Turkey – Syria – Somali, etc.                              The state of the most powerful nation on earth – that would be us.  A dysfunctional non governing House of Representatives that forgot they were elected to actually find compromise and move the country in a positive way

The climate is punishing large groups of people with rain, heat, drought, rising seas and all matter of weather-related crisis

Massive migration as people try to escape the terrible circumstances that have been forced upon them through the selfishness and cruelty of others

So it is that most of the prognostications for the events of 2024 are not particularly good.  My hope is that being a positive contrarian these predictions will fall flat and proven wrong.  So given this somewhat “Polly-Anna” view of the predictions of others, I offer the following:

Suggestions for 2024:

1.     Try a little kindness

2.     Remember there was a time when once you did love him – her – them - it

3.     Rather than blocking someone – reach out and talk to them

4.     Talk more text less

5.     The people you follow are more than their Instagram account – find out what they have to offer

6.     Spandex, Latex, and Lycra are not natural fibers and neither are the people inside

7.   Discover your empathetic side – you will be surprised where that leads you

8.     Remember you are fortunate to be where you are ---- you don’t deserve to be there any more that those less fortunate deserve to be where they are. Maybe you can help

9.     Try something new --- Isn’t your comfort zone getting too comfortable.

10.   Forge ahead with your goal. It is worth a little extra effort.

Happy New Year

Why Now?

It started with Christmas Cards.  My parents were masters at this, with a long and updated list of addresses.  Most importantly was the careful selection of the Christmas Card which appropriately underscored their sentiment for the Christmas season. Then came the photo card with a lengthy description of the achievements of the family.  It mostly centered on the children with a detailed description of the Nobel prizes won, degrees bestowed and endangered animals rescued.  This was followed by the postcard photo op od the extended family, sometime two sided depending on how large the family had grown over the preceding 12 months either through natural causes or successful merger. Now it is a simple text message wishing for a happy holiday unless you risk making mention of Christmas.  This year I was wondering the following:

Why is this sudden outpouring of caring and wishing at the end of the year? We have the urge to make sure we touch base with people that have been untouched for the other eleven months of the year.   I found myself going through the mental gymnastics of reviewing the names of people I know that were anxiously waiting to hear from me.   Why don't we do this exercise at other times of the year?  What makes it so critical do let them know I am thinking of them NOW.  They don’t have time to buy and send a gift so that motivation is cancelled. Maybe they owe me money – a possibility but may be better left unsaid until January.  March might be a good idea to stay in touch with people.

I know I forgot to wish someone a Merry Christmas.    It is always a little easier when they write first – then all you have to do is respond in kind.  I think it is nice to hear from people wishing me a Merry Christmas.  There is nothing more supportive and warmer than being acknowledged.  I suppose you could wonder why? Do they want something? Did they miss me? Whatever the reason it is a thoughtful gesture and one worth acknowledging and encouraging.

I bring this up because aside from the kindness of the message my question is why now? Why the end of the year? Christmas cards were all the rage a few years back. It still remains --- why the end of the year?  Will I not hear from you until next December?

The end of the year -- Does this mean a conclusion? The reality is January 2nd will reveal the exact same issues that frustrated us in December. We say all our best wishes and then go back to doing the exact same thing.  The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different outcome.

Don’t get me wrong I think it is a great idea to stay in touch and in tough in multiple ways. I am only questioning the necessity to do it NOW.  Are we really too busy to reach out at other times of the years - say May?  

I found a hand written note from a colleague.  I had saved it all these years, not because of the note itself but of the effort to write the note.  I have saved this hand written two-line note while most of my Christmas greetings have long since been recycled.  I would suggest that if you wanted to receive full credit for your remembrances next year -----Try sending your remembrances in February or July for that matter …… May

Happy New Year --- Thinking of you!!!

Dear Santa

Dear Santa:

I hope this letter finds you well and happy. Further, I hope you had a good rest prior to this busy time of year. It must be confusing to be a pagan symbol in a highly religious period of the year, but, heck we are all somewhat confused this time of year. I mean who would not be confused when companies choose this religious/pagan holiday to be the opportune time to lay people off of their jobs. Somehow that doesn’t seem to be in the spirit of giving and sharing. However, that is the least of the contradictory messages we are receiving at this time of giving. I hope you will not think this list is selfish or greedy but here is my list of wants for this Christmas.

1. Peace on Earth. I know I ask for that every year, but seriously this is really getting out of hand. I mean powerful weapons appear to be as easy to buy as toilet paper and everyone uses them frequently, thus, causing those of us who are scared shitless to need more toilet paper.

2. Could you get rid of these sanctimonious right to life folks who have no problem arming everyone with assault rifles. I am sure you see the contradiction.

3. I would like someone to help me set up my old train set before I think it would be fun to have it circling the Christmas tree rather than after Christmas which is when I think of it.

4. I would like more Italian in my life, if you know what I mean.

5. I would like it if you could give us all a little more compromise in our lives. I mean all of us.

6. I know this is a big one but you cannot allow any of these Republicans anywhere near the White House.

7. I am stumped as to how to ask for this but somehow I would like the world to take climate change seriously. I might not be around but my children and grandchildren will be and I would like them to be as blessed with the beauty of nature that we have been blessed with over the last 100 years.

8. Finally, I am grateful for the gifts I have received. Gifts of love and caring that I receive everyday from my family and friends. I am one of those fortunate ones and my only real hope and request is that more people in the world can feel as fortunate as I.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays

Turn Correct

It was an amazingly beautiful cool winter day in sunny Sausalito.  A brilliant day with a vast blue sky.   We are just a few weeks away from the official beginning of “freak out” over the lack of rain so far this winter.  However, this morning was the sort of morning that makes one secretly happy the rain has not started yet.

As I was enjoying my cappuccino, with a background of gentle Christmas music; a fire truck followed by an ambulance raced by with sirens and lights ablaze with sound and fury.   Immediately after the firetruck had cleared the intersection a car made its right-hand turn from the cross street and headed in oblivion in the opposite direction of the fire truck.  These vehicles moving in opposite directions were a visual metaphor for how we deal with crisis.   The fire truck speeding toward a crisis in one’s life and the car moving away from that crisis without concern or consideration.

We cannot worry about everybody.  Afterall there are 8 billion or so people moving in and out of crisis.  However, this seems like a good time of year to consider thinking of others.  By definition the firetruck was going to a problem.  Someone was not experiencing the kind of day I was savoring.   At the end of this firetruck’s journey was a problem.  Someone’s life had been interrupted and changed.  The beauty of the day was now shattered and someone was going to have to find an answer for the unfortunate circumstances that were suddenly thrust upon them.

The car moving in the opposite direction had no such thoughts.  They were just moving on through a crisis-less day. The kind of day that exists in the quiet corner of a sunlit day.

Where was the ambulance going, who was in crisis, and what caused them to call first responders?  I'll never know, and nor will the people that live in this little town.  I could not help but think about how undisturbed my life was and how profoundly disturb was the life at the end of the firetruck’s journey.    For the people who are waiting for that truck there's nothing more important.  Their crisis needs to be dealt with but more importantly the community around them needs to understand.  The energy surrounding this little hamlet is being altered and we are not aware nor are we doing anyting about it..

I don’t believe that humanity will ever be able to be empathetic enough to make decisions that are positive for everyone.   Will the decisions made by the firetruck be the best for the people in crisis or will the decisions made be at the convenience of those in the truck? We are making decisions that are self-serving, without a thought to those people who called the ambulance who are living in their personal crisis. The other people who came into the intersection have long since gone.  They will not know the power of empathy as they drove the opposite way. We cannot ever get out of this until we start thinking about the people who called the ambulance.  The world is in crisis and we are still turning the opposite direction.  We must practice empathy and turn to the problem to solve with humanity.

Is someone you know in crisis? Good time to turn correctly and call…….