Love versus Winning
Traveling by train from Venezia to Milano after having lunch with a colleague, I received a call from a long time friend. As he does frequently, he was checking up on me to see how I was doing. We chatted for awhile reviewing the events of our lives over the last few weeks. He is one of this blog’s biggest fans. He reads every week and often has a commentary on what has been written. We talked about the issue that I am writing for this week’s edition. Thus I dedicate this article to him and hope that I have met his expectations.
I spent the better part of my life in the securities business. I was fortunate enough to achieve a high level of success in a field of endeavor that I happened upon rather than sought. When I began my career, this business was broadly defined as investment banking, which distinguished it from commercial banking. With the repeal of the Glass Steagall Act in 1999, the lines were no longer drawn between commercial and investment banking.. It is a competitive world that is defined by winning. Winning a mandate; winning a deal; beating and therefore winning against the competition; winning a promotion and so it goes day in and day out —- an atmosphere of competition and therefore winning and losing.
While this is a successful structure for a business it is not as ideal for the other parts of our lives. For many the lines between winning a piece of business and managing the intricacies of personal relationships are often blurred. For many there is no distinction between winning a piece of business and winning the argument. “Battle lines being drawn no body’s right if everybody is wrong.” These words were written by Stephen Stills “For What its Worth” - 1966), when he was with the Buffalo Springfield are as prophetic today as they were then. I used these words on another piece I wrote with regard to the shootings in Texas. We are challenged when it comes to distinguishing between winning the argument and just choosing love. Family members lining up on different sides of the question are often looking for a win not love. Think if those conservative justices could embrace love rather than winning. They might have decided differently if they had loved the incest or rape victim who is now pregnant.
I was walking to a coffee shop in my neighborhood. As it happened I found myself walking next to a workman from a construction project on the street. We started chatting about the restaurant project he was building and the cost of food in this hi-priced neighborhood. I had the choice of engaging with him or keeping my answers clipped and distant. I chose to engage and develop a pleasant conversation about costs in my area versus where he lives. You might not see this as love per se but it was the choice between expressing real interest rather than winning or being right. We were just open to hearing opposing views without a score card.
I find our personal relationships get caught up in the vortex of winning. I want to win the argument by convincing you that I am right and you are wrong. Understand the history of our relationship the way I remember it and thus I win by making you accept my view. In the end, all I want you to know is that I love you. So why can’t we just say it. I don’t want to win I just want us to be together so we can argue another day. We get confused when we look for finality. You did something I didn’t like and I want retribution, I want to win. This drives us further apart. If we could just take the winning out of the equation and substitute the love we share as family, friends and lovers. Its more than the famous “can we, can we all get along?” Its the attitude or need to be right - to win. But if we had just chosen love as the immediate course of action we would still be together; we could still be talking, we could still be able to visit, we could still be together at the holiday dinner table, celebrating…..we could, we could just choose love…..the love we share
I love you…