Clarity

The routine (or is it a ritual)  of getting coffee in the morning has become the activity I most look forward to in my new living environment on the water’s edge in Tiburon.  It is the interaction with the people in the café when they are at their most gentile as the day has not had a chance to wreak havoc on their personalities.  When I speak of it with others it is the coffee that always gets center stage.  But the coffee is not the main act it is the supporting act. Interacting with people at the beginning of their day when their defenses are down is the most intriguing.  Take the barista – he is Italian but it has taken me a month to get him to speak Italian with me.  Granted this activity received a little nudge when the owner walked in the other day.  I knew him from a previous life.  He and I exchanged greetings in Italian giving the barista permission to open the door if only a little.

Masking one’s feelings is a fine art that we humans insist on perfecting.  I sat next to an “older” couple.  I am not necessarily referring to their age as I might be “older” too.  No, it is more a description of two people who had been together for a long time.  The man was observing another couple sitting across the room.  He commented that the man adored his wife, observing how he and she were riveted as if they had just met. I want to believe they were wrapped in the glow of an intimate relationship that they were still enjoying.  The wife of the man who was doing the observing commented that she wished he looked at her in that same manner.  Perhaps being defensive or maybe just stating the fact he said I look at you that way all the time, I think you just don’t see me...

How can we be clearer about how we feel about each other?  How can we move away from the walls we build?  The walls to defend against the hurtful thing you did or said.  Maybe we are setting up our defenses for the hurt that is yet to come or the rejection that is sure to follow which exposes our vulnerability.  Our true feelings are like the wind flowing past us.  It feels good when it is warm but just as quickly locks us out when it is cold.  I think the man was commenting on the other man’s adoration as a way of telling his wife how he felt about her.  He was permitting himself to revile his emotions.  She, not recognizing what he was doing criticized him because she just wanted to hear it directly. She wanted the wind in her face, flowing thru her hair to hear and to feel what had not been said clearly or maybe for a while.

Remember to say it and say it often.  We all need reassurance that our feelings are valid.  Emotions are human, clarity not so much...

I love you