Dedication
I was going to take a week off in recognition of the Global Holiday Halloween but then a few things happened that I should recognize….
DEDICATION
“The quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose….”
If you describe a person as dedicated you mean they are devoted to a particular purpose. Dedicated means a little more than committed. Committed is clearly showing up consistently but dedicated is a whole body experience.
Coaching:
I went to Los Angeles over the weekend to see my son coach his Denver University Hockey Team. They were playing UCLA on their home ice. Spoiler alert : they won 4-0. It was not the winning that struck me as important, it was the dedication that he brings to this activity. He has other things on his plate – wife – home – job -- all of which require attention and commitment. However, what I continue to be amazed by is his dedication to his players, assistant coaches and to the game. For him it is a whole-body experience that brings his laser focus. In many ways it is all consuming. During the game he displays his skills as a caring figure who is teaching, rewarding, disciplining, encouraging and supporting. He is willing his players to bring their best selves to this game and thus the reward is for the whole. As I watched the game, being present before and after the contest; I began to understand just how much of himself he brings to this experience. In large part the team’s success is the result of his dedication to the whole.
Writing, directing, acting, producing:
At the same time, 5,896 miles away and an 8-hour time difference, my daughter was screening her film short at a festival in Geneva, Switzerland. She, too, has brought a dedication to her life’s work. She is dedicated to the craft of visual art through acting, writing and directing. All aspects of this craft are her focus and dedication. It is daunting work. You are judged in every way possible. The words you write, speak and the stage upon which they are performed are under the critical eyes and ears of audience and critics. Her dedication to her craft has brought her short film to the attention of several international film festivals. This cannot be accomplished solely through the physical aspect of writing, acting and directing. It can only be accomplished through every moment dedication to the whole.
Restaurant entertainment:
Finally, I drove to the Santa Ynez Valley to visit my friends Greg and Daisy. I was to have lunch with Greg and then drop by to say hello to Daisy as dinner service was beginning at their Michelin Star Restaurant. As much as they might have liked to sit down with me, it was their dedication to their craft that came first. There is a proper way to run a restaurant and to be “of service” to your patrons. These two entrepreneurs exemplify the proper way to make every person feel that Daisy and Greg opened their restaurant just for them. There were services to perform and things to organize and you cannot shortcut any of them unless you are “ok” with cheating your patrons of the experience they had come to expect. Simply put, they are dedicated to their craft…
After all of that they still had time for me!!
Witnessing these events, worlds apart, I thought what is it in a person that drives one to dedicate one’s whole being to a purpose or a craft? At this writing I am not sure I have a snappy answer. What I do know is that I stand is awe of these people who are experiencing the feeling and rewards of dedicating themselves to “ being dedicated to a task or purpose”
There were no trophies, money or rewards for this effort. There is only the satisfaction of achievement to one’s dedicated purpose…...
THE SEAT OF POWER
I was invited to dinner a few nights ago. The invitation was for Kokkari Estiatorio, a beloved institution in San Francisco since 1998. The food is excellent but it is the front room with its massive fireplace that makes the experience special. In my opinion Michael Mina’s Greek inspired offering on California Street comes in a distant second. I was seated at a terrific table with a perfect view of The Seat of Power! This host is fabulous. She is warm and welcoming but she is in charge. I watched as she performed her duties and dispensed with the people who did not measure up or did not have a reservation. After all of these years this is still a tough reservation to obtain.
THE REGULAR
The patron approaches the “Seat” with confidence but not too confident. Overconfidence may put them in a less desirable table for not being deferential enough to the “Seat”. There are pleasantries of course, after all coming to your regular restaurant is like coming home. It is a confidence builder when the Seat of Power acknowledges you and seats you in the right place.
The Rookie
Now the rookie probably has a reservation which he or she made weeks ago. If it is a business dinner, they are just hoping it all goes well and that the reservation is acknowledged. If it is a romantic evening, the rookie is nervously wishing for a table away from the water station. Now the “Seat” recognizes the reservation but the rookie will have to wait in purgatory for a little while. They cannot be seated right away after all that courtesy is for the regular and you must differentiate. The rookie will have to stand along the wall for ten minute before being seated.
The Dreamer
C’mon man!! This guy walks in with a date and without a reservation. You can see his face immediately — the wide eyed, plaintive look says it all. I am out of place and I have no reservation. The Seat has no sympathy. There are two ways to go. We only take reservations so you have to go away or we can seat you in two hours and, no, you cannot sit at the bar. On this particular evening The Dreamer took the two hour option and when he came back there still was no room at the inn.
The Seat of Power for this particular evening dispatched her duties flawlessly. No one got by her without her approval. Those that come early, late or without reservation were dismissed. Hopefully they will learn their lesson and will always approach the Seat of Power with deference and respect and above all……
A reservation…
Dedicated to Greg —- you know you are The Seat of Power
It’s Not All About You!
I was at a dinner the other night and noticed a behavior which is all too common.. My dinner companion spent the majority of the evening telling me about all the things she had accomplished, who she knew, and how my experiences were just a little less important. As I drove home, I was hard pressed to remember what questions, if any, I was asked. There is nothing wrong about this person perfectly nice and outwardly kind. Maybe it was unconscious behavior, but the desire to prove relevancy was definitely present.
In any new circumstance it is hard to rein in your need to establish yourself as relevant. It appears to be a need to control, mitigate the risk of exposing yourself. You can do this by recanting all of your life accomplishments; indicate your importance by the famous people you have been with or making sure that your conversation companion knows that his or her story is good but doesn’t quite measure up.
Relationships start with motivation. You might be motivated by your desire to establish a business relationship or it could be your seeking a romantic involvement. Regardless of your motivation, the next step is to establish a connection. This could be a phone call , an in-person meeting or sharing a meal. Your best chance for success in establishing a connection will be your level of empathy. Demonstrating that you have accomplished much or know many people will not help you discover what the other person needs. . It will establish you as relevant in your world but it doesn’t connect you to the person across from you. Empathy on the other hand allows you to focus on the person you are motivated to know. It helps you to find out what their values are and what they desire. Your ability to be empathetic allows you to demonstrate that you care to know. You care to know about them rather than impressing them with all of your achievements. Your next step is to listen. You will not learn anything if you are doing all the talking. You already know what you have achieved so you are not learning anything new. However, if you ask question and listen you will learn a lot about the person you are engaging . You may learn that it is not a connection you wish to pursue or you may find that you have much in common and many things from which you can build a successful relationship. We already know how famous and successful you are …let's find out if the other person is equally accomplished or is someone that does not measure up to your standards or is just not interesting. Peeling back the layers of another person is the fun part of relationship discovery. But that can’t happen if you are performing a review of your life. Having the motivation is one thing but you must step back from your need to glow and let the other person shine --- you will be surprised at what you learn.
…….take a back seat for a minute
I’m Scared
I was listening to All things Considered on NPR. They were interviewing the director of Netflix’s “The Midnight Club” adapted from a novel by Christopher Pike. Set at a home for terminally ill teenagers, it is about teenagers having to reconcile with terminal diseases and with death. The discussion that ensued was the director explaining that this movie was about life not death as the death part for the people in the movie had already been determined. He went on to discuss the fascination with horror movies is actually a fascination with death. The idea of being scared to death for this movie was unnecessary as in one sense it had already happened. It was concluded , as these kids had terminal illnesses. The movie from the director’s standpoint was an examination of death and how we deal with it. So simply explained and now I know why I don’t like horror movies
– I am sure I am not the only one but I am definitely in the camp of struggling to deal with what is the inescapable reality of the limited life we have on earth. When the Alfred Hitchcock movie “Psycho” came out in 1960 my sister had been allowed to go. It was a few summers later and it was still a frightening movie I was allowed to see the movie. I would not go, however, until she had told me the story. What fun is that you might say. I have no problem knowing the plot of the movie. I even knew when the famous shower scene was coming and I still was scared.
Halloween is fast approaching. All manner of media is going to talk about scary stuff. New horror movies will be coming out and I will avoid them. I was scared to see Jordon Peel’s “Get Out’. Thank goodness my girlfriend held my hand.
Halloween was never my favorite holiday when the kids were growing up, I volunteered to stay in the house and pass out candy. I didn't really want the job of dressing up as a monster. I can't even remember what I might've been for Halloween when I was trick-or-treating. This year I have made a modest acknowledgment of Halloween. I had a pedicure the other day and as a nod to Halloween I had them paint one big toe black and the other big toe orange... The best thing about that idea? They will stay hidden away from view. Just like my fear of death and scary movies – hidden away.
Trick or Treat!!!!!
What I Saw this Week….
Story I
I turned right onto a two-lane road that is one of two roads that brings people in and out of Mill Valley. I noticed immediately that a young woman had stopped in her lane and was running to assist an older woman who had tripped and fallen off the curbed sidewalk. Without regard for the cars behind her or her safety and inconvenience, she had stopped and jumped out of her car to help this older woman to her feet. I was now looking for a place to park so I could assist. The second thing I noticed was a woman two cars back from the scene of the fallen woman. She was perturbed that something was holding up traffic. She was now delayed for some important thing... Aside from noticing the insensitive reaction of this woman another thought crossed my mind…. What is the character trait that causes an individual to take a risk for the potential benefit of someone else? What makes a person willing to give of themselves to help others? The more common reaction was the woman two cars back --- inconvenienced and uncaring. Caring is often acknowledged but in a way that underscores how unique it is. We expect and are not surprised at the behavior of the woman two cars back – angry and self-important, upset that the world had bothered to delay her from her pedicure.
Story II
I was in a little French restaurant having lunch. I went to the bathroom before ordering. In the stall, I heard a father and child. The father was helping his probably 5- or 6-year-old navigate the intricacies of going number two in a public restroom. I remember this with my children. Some people might find this an unpleasant part of the growing up process. I found those moments to be rather fun even entertaining. Just as I had done, this father was having a really interesting conversation with his little boy. They were talking about their schedule and sports. The father was giving patient instructions on the methodology of going to the bathroom, what was necessary to do, what paper to use, and how best not to fall in. it was quite humorous. I remember those times of the very early stages of a five-year-old becoming an adult. Just the idea of performing this ordinary function providing the platform for a humorous interaction between father and son is so precious. These are not the big moments we celebrate, no, these are the truly special moments that should always be celebrated because they are fleeting and can escape our attention.
Story III
I took myself to dinner at Valette, a recommendation by my good friend Greg Ryan. He and Daisy own the fabulous restaurant Bell’s of which I have written. At my table, an older man approaches, he is somewhat unsteady with a glass of red wine held at an angle between his midsection and waistline as if it is supporting both. I am unsure who he is as my table is outside seating along a sidewalk. I thought he could be just wandering by. But he is not just any guy, he is the owner, Bob proceeds to tell me that his grandfather started the restaurant and now his four children run it along with another restaurant nearby. As I was alone, he spent a good deal of time telling me his story. What made this so pleasurable was the knowledge that he was still working., moving from table to table making sure all of his guests were taken care of. He was not sitting at home; he was out in the field doing what he likes best. He was proud of his restaurant, proud of his children and I was proud of him for keeping the candle lite and burning bright
Story IV
I Live in a small apartment on Main St. When I walk out to get my morning coffee, I am on the street immediately. 7:30 am the garbage is being picked up from the two restaurants next door to this entrance from living quarters to the world. Garbage collection is a hard job and the people that do this job are often treated at arm’s length for whatever judgmental reason one might have. However, for me, this is a special moment of the day because the gentleman performing this job is an amazing breath of fresh air. He is the perfect guy to welcome you to the day. He and I fist bump and chat it up. Our conversation is loud and friendly. We are genuinely glad to see each other and welcome the fact that the bridge that might divide us does not exist. Today, was special as he had his son with him. Introduction all around and more lively, fun chatter. His son walks into the coffee shop with me to buy two sandwiches for him and his father. May I ?, I asked. No no, I have this he said. It would be my honor – your money is no good here I said with a smile. He laughed and let me buy the sandwich. It’s nice to have friends with that you can do little things….
One week…... I was paying attention……
Missing
I woke up missing this morning.…. Missing the experience I had a month ago. Missing the experience I had a year ago and two years ago. I miss your voice. I miss my father’s voice and his advice. I miss living in another place. I miss seeing you…...
Maybe it is just me or it is just being human. We are constantly reflecting in reverse. How often have you heard that we miss the ‘90’s. Will Ferrell did an SNL skit with his impression of George W. Bush. The opening line was how we must miss him in comparison to the liar-in-chief – the Trumpeter. He goes on to remind us that he was really bad.
This post is less about missing any one thing or person and more an attempt to re-define missing. As less of an emotional crisis and more of an opportunity to learn from our past rather than miss it. Examining what we might have done better rather than assuming it was perfect. The common approach is to feel sorry for oneself that you missed an opportunity or a person. I believe the emotion of missing is calling on you to assess what you could do to improve your present experience.
Missing is another form of regret and an appeal to be given the impossible opportunity of another chance – a “do over” . Missing something is another form of not accomplishing what we desire now. The “Monday morning quarterback” as it were.
My hope is that the exercise of missing is metaphorically like reviewing lecture notes in preparation for an exam. I would like to think that my experience of missing is paying attention to both my mistakes and my accomplishments. Combined they might help me make my present and future better. I am attempting to view my past not as a missed opportunity but as something I can learn from.
I miss your voice. Voices are very important. I feel a sensitivity to your inflection and your tone. I love the sound of your voice but am I listening to the words you say? Was I listening carefully enough? Rather than focusing on missing, a better exercise would be to focus on what can be learned. Thus, providing a platform for listening and being present.
Emotionally I am confused between missing and learning. Perhaps you have the same conflict. For me I am trying to pay attention to the learning that can be offered. I am paying attention to the why I am missing. I am acknowledging the benefit of those experiences and applying them to enhance the experience of the present.
Still….….I miss you!
The Wedding
A tropical setting, beautiful beaches, vegetation everywhere with warm humid air---the perfect place if you are wearing loose, flowing garments or no clothing – warmth and humidity are your welcome friend…but if you are dressed as if you just walked off the pages of Vogue and your escort is in a dark blue Brioni suit and a $300.00 Kiton tie, heat and humidity are not welcome. This is especially true if the event is in an ancient building that feels more like a sauna than a church. Most in attendance were seemingly oblivious to the weather even though his shirt looked like someone had douse him with water.
The bride was beautiful , the venue was a beautiful 12th century church. It was a fortress like structure with elaborate Byzantine mosaics in the small city Cefalù, Sicily. It was a fairytale event with the bride and groom fitting the part of prince and princess. The attendees brought their “A” game with beautiful dresses accompanied by dark clad gentlemen playing the backdrop role. As much as they might ignore the weather, the combination of being fully dressed in a sauna, like this 12th century edifice; well, it did take just a little bit of the excitement away. We feverishly waved our gifted fans waiting for the bride to make her entrance. She and the dress were stunning and the groom looked appropriately dashing. There is that added bit of something special when the event is a seriously religious ceremony. It puts the marriage in a different category, and under scores that we have no control over the weather or the circumstances, that belongs to a higher power whatever that might be for you. Releasing our need to have control, all of us were present for this couple. As if it was an award for being patient, we exited the cathedral to be greeted by a splendid late afternoon with a slight breeze and a balmy evening to enjoy. We celebrated this couple until the wee hours as they begin their journey as a married couple. I was honored to be invited and to be present.
I might have been the only American in attendance. Like a wedding I attended in Sardinia several years ago this was a truly international event with everyone able to speak multiple languages. I was modestly proud of myself for taking the time to study Italian. Although hardly fluent, I knew enough to understand what was being said and could respond. It was a reward for my studies that it allowed me to feel part of the event on a deeper level
My other observation on this day was to notice the people in the Cathedral who were not part of the invited guests.
This cathedral had been transformed with flowers on every pew. All the attendees, as mentioned, had come dressed in their finest wedding attire. But on the outskirts of the ceremony and around the fringe of this giant building were people in T-shirts and shorts. On vacation or locals of Cefalú, they felt comfortable enough to ring the outside of the assembled group and to observe. I don't know what brings people to want to participate in this voyeuristic process. They might catch a glimpse of celebrity but in reality, this group of t-shirt glad observers were the celebrity. Perhaps they were wishing they could be part or maybe it was just curiosity to observe the group that had assembled dressed so elegantly to celebrate this matrimonial. I was curious if they felt less important. Was their touring not measuring up to this other group which they were observing? Perhaps hopes of attending such an event in the future or just fantasizing about being involved. Did they feel intrusive as they clearly weren't invited? They had to feel as an outsider and yet they chose to take it upon themselves to stand and watch. I don't have a judgment but I am just curious as to what drives people to observe others. Do they think they do not deserve to be watched or their life is unimportant? .
I enjoyed my time, I was honored to be invited. I was happy to be amongst this well-turned-out group celebrating their friends. The next day I left for Palermo. I spent that day on my own yet I was in travel preparation mode. I was full of anxiety, having missed 12 days of home. Convinced that it was not done property or in a timely fashion. As much as we travel, we are anxious about what happened while we were gone
Within a minute of our return, it was like we never left
Buon viaggio
The Tour
I am sad this morning, perhaps melancholy is more accurate. It is transition that brings about this feeling of loss. I am reviewing the last few days of events and perhaps missed opportunity as one might review life's missed opportunities.
I have just concluded a travel tour with a group of people I did not know, save two **(more on that later). It was a group of 10 couples all of whom had been together as partners for somewhere between 30-40 years!! Being in a relationship with a partner that long is an achievement I could not approach even on a cumulative basis. As my dear friend said i don't think Fred has ever spent this much time with people within a decade of his age . Now we know that's not true after all I did go to grammar school . I digress.
This tour was my first such travel experience. There were many things about the tour of the Provence region of France which were not perfect but I think we would sell the trip and us short if that is what one were to focus on. It is just too easy to find the negative in our circumstance. The positive argument is somehow always the most difficult position in the debate. At its highest value this tour was the opportunity to meet people whose life experience was different than yours. Thus it challenged us all to be open to relate our personal journey with others. Relationships take time to develop and in this moment one could see relationships go from polite introduction to sincere curiosity. After all we shared this moment together and thus we were not only observers but creators of a mutual experience. Now it is complete, bringing into stark reality that there is in all things a beginning and an end and thus this wave of melancholy.
However we will be rescued from the abyss as we reflect, in the days ahead, of the risk we took to travel with others -- to put ourselves into an unfamiliar place and we will smile at the positive experience we shared together.
**(More on that later)
Daisy and Greg invited me to go on this trip. I had another vision but my travel companion lost her way and thus I lost mine. I have had some decision making challenges recently but my decision to be their "plus 1 " was not one of them. Traveling together is not for the faint of heart, but I looked forward to everyday with my friends. Together, we were good travellers. No hard rules, flexible, humor and a willingness to take risk. Willing to expose our weaknesses and our hopes. Those conversations can be risky but as trust develops it all becomes seamless. We were friends but now we are really friends. My hope is that we won't let our lives get in the way of more adventures. For me this trip will mark the beginning of a beautifully deepen friendship.
As I reflect on all that has transpired over the last week, I am grateful that I have been given this opportunity. Yet as I transition to another destination, I am feeling that tinge of melancholy.
Un abbraccio fortissimo i miei amichi..
"Don't cry because it's over, be happy because it happened." .... Dr Seuss
Frankly, I'm more comfortable with----
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to"...Lesley Gore
The Man Servant (on Hulu)
The Man Servant….
When the not so Supreme Court overturned a woman’s right to make decisions over her health, her body, and the health of her baby; it set me to think about all the ways man has tried to control or subvert “the weaker sex”. It seems to me that women are far more suited to survive in the world without men than the other way around. I am perplexed as to why the show “The Man Servant Tale” or the “Stepford Husbands” has not been produced. Maybe it has been produced or at least thought of, but not to my knowledge. Patriarchy rules the process that creates what we watch and what we read. There is overwhelming evidence that males control females in most domains of social life. Is this perpetuated because men overwhelmingly occupy positions of power and therefore, make the rules? If I am making the rules in a tribal society, which seems the evident definition of our current society, then women will be kept down to protect the patriarchy.
Yet the conflict, as I see it, is further evident in day-to-day life. Women generally run the domestic agenda and more recently also work outside the home. Women are far more functional alone than men are when left on their own. They gain further support from a well curated system with other female friends. Men, on the other hand, cannot seem to survive without help. Certainly not a universal truth, but seriously, think about all of your male friends who are challenged if they need to cook, clean, or otherwise survive on their own. .
I am thinking back to the beginning of time when women ran the societal structure and sent the men out to hunt. A single-minded task that the men were proficient at and if not, then the dinosaur eats them eliminating the woman’s need to waste a good meal on someone who was not contributing to society...
In her 1993 confirmation hearing to join the Supreme Court, Ruth Bader Ginsburg explained to the Senate Judiciary Committee: “The decision whether or not to bear a child is central to a woman’s life, to her well-being and dignity. It is a decision she must make for herself. When Government controls that decision for her, she is being treated as less than a fully adult human responsible for her own choices.”
In short, she is being treated differently—and less than—a man.
Damn, I need my shirt ironed and I’m hungry…..”Honey!!!!??”
Get Over Yourself
Honestly – Get Over Yourself…
My city is not getting destroyed by artillery fire ---- I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from ----- I am not saddled with student debt ---- the women in my life have appropriate health care and can make their own decisions as to what will be done with their bodies ---- I can live anywhere I want... which is an appropriate segue for this week’s topic.
I have a house on which I am working. It is taking what I have come to believe is an extraordinary amount of time. There are many reasons for the delays. The fact that people are working hard and making their best efforts on my behalf is NOT the problem. They are doing everything possible to help me live more comfortably than the majority of humans on this planet. However, yesterday I received news that the project had another delay and would be another three months to completion. My reaction was out of scale to the issue. Yes, it is inconvenient but no, it is not life threatening . Honestly, I need to get over myself. Maybe those of us who are fortunate need to take stock of how how good fortune arrived at our doorstep. The largess that has come our way is not because we are better people it is only that we are more fortunate.
I am told by my many spiritual and religious advisors that “self – forgiveness” is a positive step to moving beyond the wrongs that we have committed. I guess this blog is a little self-forgiveness but more importantly it is an acknowledgment that we all should take stock of where we are in life and the good fortune that has been bestowed upon us. Maybe “getting over ourselves” is a little reminder that many of the believed egregious problems we become angry over are the result of our good fortune. Taking our inconveniences out on others is a cowardly approach to dealing with problems. Much of life offers us great pleasure which we might choose to ignore over the anger we so easily display at the unimportant. We would be better off giving that energy to help others solve real problems.
So, as I write as an apology and as a little self-forgiveness, I am making a sincere effort to …
Get Over Myself…
August 18th
This blog is essentially observations of life through my lens. By definition, it is personal but not so personal as to expose things that occurred in one’s lifetime that were embarrassing or hurtful; as if writing about them would heal the wounds. The genesis for this blog occurred while I was packing up 15 years after selling my treasured ranch. I was looking for a letter my father had written while I was in college. I was reminded of this letter as my thoughts turned to the memory of my father on the occasion of his birthday – August 18th. He was by every measure a brilliant and accomplished individual. One of the things he did particularly well was writting letters. He didn't write using electronics or a computer. He wrote letters with a fountain pen and paper. The letter in question was sent to me during my first year at UC Santa Barbara. Unlike my brilliant sisters, both of whom attended Stanford University, I attend UC Santa Barbara which was at the time more noted as a party school versus the well-respected academic institution of today. After my first semester, shockingly, I found myself on academic probation. My father wrote one of the best letters I have ever received, explaining to me that higher education was an opportunity and privilege not afforded to everyone. Furthermore, he and my mother were making this opportunity available to me at no cost. He went on to explained that he was disappointed I had not respected the largess bestowed upon me through their generosity. Put in simple terms, if I didn't get my act together immediately, that financial support was going to conclude forthwith. This very troubling message was so well written I wanted to share it to my children. As hard as I might look and as many boxes as I rifled through I could not find this letter. There are many reasons why it could not be found. The principle reason —— over time paper like memories tends to disintegrate as it was moved from box to box sandwiched in between less important documents like old bank statements and utility bills being saved for posterity. The realization that if I wanted my children and their children to have a sense of their father, now of the legacy age, I would have to find a better way of preserving my pearls of wisdom. Thus, I decided that writing a blog would create a permanent record (as we know nothing leaves the internet) of my thoughts; beliefs, and observations of life. They might be curious about how I felt about life and understood life through my eyes. Thus “E Solo Un Trucco” was born – a life lived of importance to those closest to me.
I called my sister on the eve of our father's birthday to say hello and speak of our father. I don't talk to my sister every day our communication would be described as sporadic. It’s not something I'm necessarily proud. As my children know, I am always hopeful that they will communicate more frequently with each other as life does not give you a second chance. My sister had called earlier to wish me a happy birthday. She was well aware that our father's birthday was today, the 18th. During our conversation. she said she read my blog every Wednesday. Upon hearing this an enormous sense of pride came over me. I deeply respect both of my sisters who have achieved multiple degrees and succeeded in many avenues. I was super proud that my oldest sister would think that this blog was worth reading and reading every week. As I remembered my father on his birthday, he would have smiled at the idea that his offspring would be in communication with each other.
I know my other sister also reads my blog. These two respected women reading my writing consistently gives me such a feeling of pride and joy. This sense of accomplishment and validation from two people who I care about would, on the day of his birth, make my father extraordinarily proud. Proud that his offspring were still part of each other’s lives and part of an extended family which started with this accomplished gentleman who amongst many things wrote a beautiful letter.
With love,
Happy Birthday Dad
Follow-UP
Let’s do lunch – I’ll introduce you ---- I’ll get back to you --- Give me a minute ---I’ll get right on that --- These expressions of intention from people who are committing, but not promising, are desires to follow- up on a request or a need. The ability to follow up requires real intention and an honest desire to help and commit. We have all experienced these resolutions but they are not always been fulfilled and are often ignored. What made me think of the value of following up were the events of the last couple of days. I was experiencing a follow-up extravaganza. Things people had, with all good intention, indicated they would follow up with me. I had doubted those intentions would ever see the light of day. I was wrong --- today was the culmination of many different follow-up items. The car salesman followed up with a visit to teach me how the car worked; I was introduced to a book editor; I was introduced to the Dean of a major Business School program; my tile person, landscaper and painter all showed up. I was reminded of the value of follow-up. The unspoken promise that something would be done to benefit and then the promisor followed up and did what he or she had promised... . After months of unfulfilled promises while remodeling my house, suddenly I have a group of gentlemen that are following up on what they said they would accomplish.
Follow up has little to do with accomplishment and everything to do with intention. It says I care and what I say means something. It says I intend to execute and will complete the task before promising the next one. People will remember that you were the one that made good on your promise. What was amazing for me is that all of this follow up came when I was least expecting it. I am full of gratitude that these promises would be and will be helpful. Never underestimate the value of follow-up on what you promised. It will set you apart from all those many professionals who make the lack of follow up their hallmark.
LOST
I am stumped this week to come up with something clever, maybe funny. I wanted to find a simple, obvious in its need, topic that we could all come together and agree that it is a problem worth doing something about ----- together. It is a challenging task as there is nothing, I could say that you could not find an objection if you looked deep enough. The Inflation Reduction Act has 755 pages. I am confident that there is something for everyone to hate in this piece of legislation. However, there is probably a number of things you good like. The problems we face as a community of people are so complicated. There is nothing simple about any of the issues that we as a country or the world face. It will take massive amounts of money, willpower, courage, and compromise to even approach a solution for anything that impacts a community on a planet of 8 billion people wandering around looking for answers. I haven’t read the 755 pages in this legislation and I am sure most of our elected representatives have not read it either. I am confident, however, that some of this legislation will be a positive step to correcting the incredibly complicated issues it tried to find an answer to. Given that it is flawed as all legislation is; given it does not fix completely the issues it tries to address; given we as a country have never even tried to solve these issues; and finally given that it is a first step, flawed as it might be ------- Is there no Republican (or the Republicans they represent) that could summon the courage to vote for a first step? Really?
Are we that lost as a community…?
REELS…..
I have given talks to groups extolling the virtues of real human connection and excoriating the weakness of electronic communication as it overtakes our lives. We negotiate; we argue; we fight; we break up; we disseminate all sorts of deeply emotional interactions over the internet ignoring the remarkable value of facial recognition and the wonder of the human voice. The internet is awash in all varieties of time-wasting apps allowing one to squander the precious little time we have to shorten the communication gap between humans. But now, I too have been ensnared by the electronic elixir known as “Instagram”. Recently my new daughter-in-law suggested that Instagram would be a wonderful way to connect with family and friends. It seemed so innocent--- follow the exciting lives of your family and perhaps some new friends. Who knows maybe even developing a “your story” following and becoming an influencer?
BUT NO
None of that would come to pass. Why do you ask? Because what she forgot to tell me was after playing around with the message app you soon learn that with the flip of your index finger you can “scroll down!!!”. Suddenly you have lost the cute picture of a friend’s nephew or the picture of your son playing golf or pictures of food you will never eat; no, no you are now in the addictive realm of REELS!!! You are now hooked to an endless stream of athletic achievements you will never achieve; pictures of attractive people you will never meet, funny jokes., advertisements, women telling slightly off-color jokes, and on and on it goes. An endless stream of nonsense that eats away at what little time you have while in return offering absolutely nothing of consequence and meaning…….
I don’t have time to write more thoughtfully I have to check my Instagram posts…….maybe a reel or two : I can’t help myself…..
Clarity
The routine (or is it a ritual) of getting coffee in the morning has become the activity I most look forward to in my new living environment on the water’s edge in Tiburon. It is the interaction with the people in the café when they are at their most gentile as the day has not had a chance to wreak havoc on their personalities. When I speak of it with others it is the coffee that always gets center stage. But the coffee is not the main act it is the supporting act. Interacting with people at the beginning of their day when their defenses are down is the most intriguing. Take the barista – he is Italian but it has taken me a month to get him to speak Italian with me. Granted this activity received a little nudge when the owner walked in the other day. I knew him from a previous life. He and I exchanged greetings in Italian giving the barista permission to open the door if only a little.
Masking one’s feelings is a fine art that we humans insist on perfecting. I sat next to an “older” couple. I am not necessarily referring to their age as I might be “older” too. No, it is more a description of two people who had been together for a long time. The man was observing another couple sitting across the room. He commented that the man adored his wife, observing how he and she were riveted as if they had just met. I want to believe they were wrapped in the glow of an intimate relationship that they were still enjoying. The wife of the man who was doing the observing commented that she wished he looked at her in that same manner. Perhaps being defensive or maybe just stating the fact he said I look at you that way all the time, I think you just don’t see me...
How can we be clearer about how we feel about each other? How can we move away from the walls we build? The walls to defend against the hurtful thing you did or said. Maybe we are setting up our defenses for the hurt that is yet to come or the rejection that is sure to follow which exposes our vulnerability. Our true feelings are like the wind flowing past us. It feels good when it is warm but just as quickly locks us out when it is cold. I think the man was commenting on the other man’s adoration as a way of telling his wife how he felt about her. He was permitting himself to revile his emotions. She, not recognizing what he was doing criticized him because she just wanted to hear it directly. She wanted the wind in her face, flowing thru her hair to hear and to feel what had not been said clearly or maybe for a while.
Remember to say it and say it often. We all need reassurance that our feelings are valid. Emotions are human, clarity not so much...
I love you
Epicurus
We need to eat…...
I am fascinated with the hospitality industry, but more specifically the epicurean side of hospitality, i.e., eating and drinking. In simple terms Epicurus believed in the enjoyment of life in moderation. What I find amazing about the hospitality business is that it provides enjoyable venues bringing people from different walks of life together in an atmosphere of openness and kindness. I attended such an event recently. I was invited by one of my favorite restaurant owners (ok they are my favorites) They were the guest chefs at The Hacienda of the Scribe Winery in Sonoma. Scribe was founded by brothers Adam and Andrew Mariani. Amongst other beautifully crafted wines is their most recent release of the 2021 Estate Mission. The Mission grape was the first European grapevine cultivated in California and this wine is the first to be produced on the Scribe property in over 100 years. (I didn’t know that) The spectacular evening meal was crafted by Daisy and Greg Ryan. I have written before about their fabulous restaurants in the Santa Ynez valley – Bell’s, the Michelin Star Restaurant in Los Alamos and their newest offering, Bar Le Côté in Los Olivos.
This commentary is not specifically about these businesses, rather it is about the warmth and human interaction that food and wine offer in a world in crisis. Sitting down for a meal is the basis of an interaction that is uniquely human. The act of preparing food, whether created by a Michelin Star chef or the simple preparation of a fresh plate of pasta, is the acknowledgment that you are loved and cared for enough to make this effort to sustain you for whatever comes next. Sitting down to enjoy a meal is the perfect moment for reflection and discussion. A moment to tell you about myself and for me to hear about you. I can demonstrate empathy as I listen to your story. It is the appreciation that you are purposeful and we can share that purpose over a meal that was prepared by someone who cares.
I knew no one except for Daisy and Greg. By the end of the evening, I had enjoyed conversations with many people. Most importantly I engaged in real conversations with my hosts. This dinner provided the foundation for what will become a friendship. It might not have happened if it were not for the foundational relevance of the evening meal. At its core the hospitality business allows its owners to replay this scene over and over. The scene changes and the foods are different. As difficult as this business can be, the true reward for the creators of these events must be that the music they create is different each night. Unlike other artistic endeavors, the lines of this play and the musical score are forever changing. The demonstration of love and caring as the meal is prepared; the opportunity to demonstrate your hard work as a chef or winemaker; finally, the melding of the individual human experience is the essence of creativity.
Epicurus advocated living in such a way as to derive the greatest amount of pleasure possible during one's lifetime, yet doing so moderately to avoid the suffering incurred by overindulgence. The philosopher would have been pleased with this evening and the results of friendships deepened and found.
“Yes, I think I will have another glass ….”
Nice Talking To You
My name was given as a reference by my daughter’s best friend. She had applied for an executive coaching job. I liked the interviewer as she was well prepared and asked good questions. One question, in particular, required more than the stock answer. We had been talking about empathy and the importance of establishing real connection with another person in the age of electronic communication. She asked me how does that personal interaction make you feel? I said I could best answer by telling her about this recent experience.
It was a sunny day in Marin County as most summer days are. I was grabbing a little lunch at a bakery/café. I was sitting at a picnic table with my lunch companion --- my iPhone. At the table adjacent to me was a group of three. A mother with her 5-year-old son and her mother. The two mothers were engaged in one of those serious mother/daughter conversations. The little boy was not part of this discourse. He was focused on a small book and otherwise looking around as five-year-old boys do. He and I caught each other’s glances exchanging warm smiles. I made a funny face and the little boy’s smile broadened; the mother noticed, perhaps momentarily concerned, as we live in the age of constant vigilance. Seeing that concern was not warranted, she returned to the in-depth conversation with her mother. Recognizing that tacit permission had been granted, the boy became more willing to engage with the man who was expressing interest in him. He was holding a very tiny book in his hands and appeared to be reading it. I asked him about his book. What is the book about I inquired? Everything he said. Can you read that book? Yes, I can, he said with authority. I asked if I could see the book. He got up and came over to my table. It was written in the tiniest print and seemed to cover a myriad of subjects as the pictures were easier to see but no less difficult to discern. The little boy assured me that it was his favorite and that he read it all the time. Regardless of whether he could or could not, the book was only a prop for our conversation which I can only describe as “adult’. I asked him some of the usual questions about school, what he liked about school; what sports did he play. I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he told me he did not think he was quite ready for a girlfriend. It was the way he said it, so thoughtful and circumspect. Our conversation was a mix of serious answers, jokes, and sarcasm but all in all delightful. When he had tired of my inquires, he went back and sat at his table. I finished my lunch and got up and cleared my dishes which I put in the proper receptacle. The most touching moment was about to happen and it caught me by surprise. I had to walk by his table to exit and as I did this little boy stuck out his arm with a clenched fist to give me a fist bump. I immediately responded and bumped his fist with mine. “Nice talking to you, see you around,” he said —- Nice talking to you, indeed.
You can’t receive that sort of connection or kindness through the internet, it is only available when you present yourself with authenticity.
Nice talking to you, indeed, my young friend.
Love versus Winning
Traveling by train from Venezia to Milano after having lunch with a colleague, I received a call from a long time friend. As he does frequently, he was checking up on me to see how I was doing. We chatted for awhile reviewing the events of our lives over the last few weeks. He is one of this blog’s biggest fans. He reads every week and often has a commentary on what has been written. We talked about the issue that I am writing for this week’s edition. Thus I dedicate this article to him and hope that I have met his expectations.
I spent the better part of my life in the securities business. I was fortunate enough to achieve a high level of success in a field of endeavor that I happened upon rather than sought. When I began my career, this business was broadly defined as investment banking, which distinguished it from commercial banking. With the repeal of the Glass Steagall Act in 1999, the lines were no longer drawn between commercial and investment banking.. It is a competitive world that is defined by winning. Winning a mandate; winning a deal; beating and therefore winning against the competition; winning a promotion and so it goes day in and day out —- an atmosphere of competition and therefore winning and losing.
While this is a successful structure for a business it is not as ideal for the other parts of our lives. For many the lines between winning a piece of business and managing the intricacies of personal relationships are often blurred. For many there is no distinction between winning a piece of business and winning the argument. “Battle lines being drawn no body’s right if everybody is wrong.” These words were written by Stephen Stills “For What its Worth” - 1966), when he was with the Buffalo Springfield are as prophetic today as they were then. I used these words on another piece I wrote with regard to the shootings in Texas. We are challenged when it comes to distinguishing between winning the argument and just choosing love. Family members lining up on different sides of the question are often looking for a win not love. Think if those conservative justices could embrace love rather than winning. They might have decided differently if they had loved the incest or rape victim who is now pregnant.
I was walking to a coffee shop in my neighborhood. As it happened I found myself walking next to a workman from a construction project on the street. We started chatting about the restaurant project he was building and the cost of food in this hi-priced neighborhood. I had the choice of engaging with him or keeping my answers clipped and distant. I chose to engage and develop a pleasant conversation about costs in my area versus where he lives. You might not see this as love per se but it was the choice between expressing real interest rather than winning or being right. We were just open to hearing opposing views without a score card.
I find our personal relationships get caught up in the vortex of winning. I want to win the argument by convincing you that I am right and you are wrong. Understand the history of our relationship the way I remember it and thus I win by making you accept my view. In the end, all I want you to know is that I love you. So why can’t we just say it. I don’t want to win I just want us to be together so we can argue another day. We get confused when we look for finality. You did something I didn’t like and I want retribution, I want to win. This drives us further apart. If we could just take the winning out of the equation and substitute the love we share as family, friends and lovers. Its more than the famous “can we, can we all get along?” Its the attitude or need to be right - to win. But if we had just chosen love as the immediate course of action we would still be together; we could still be talking, we could still be able to visit, we could still be together at the holiday dinner table, celebrating…..we could, we could just choose love…..the love we share
I love you…
Who’s Lying Now?
I find the Webster dictionary to be of great value when trying to understand the world. Words have very specific meaning and very specific consequences. We hear a lot of lies these days and a lot of explanations as to why they are or are not lies. Washington is full of people whose job it is to make you think that what you heard was not actually a lie but was an honest depiction of the truth or the truth as they see it.
To help you identify a liar I have taken six random names from the newspaper. They have been written about lately and they have said things in the past that are not explicitly untrue but like the lie itself can be up to interpretation. The names will be lettered and your fun activity is to match the numbered Webster definitions with the individuals listed. There are different numbered groups. Group I is a list of characteristics of people who are telling a lie. Group II is a list of types of lies, Group III is a list of rational and a special category. (Extra credit) See if any of these individuals can be identified with one or more of these definitional characteristic of people who have trouble expressing themselves truthfully..
A. Neil Gorsuch
B. Brett Kavanaugh
C. Samuel Alito
D. Amy Barrett
E. John Roberts
F. Clarence Thomas
Group I
Being vague; offering few details.
Repeating questions before answering them.
Speaking in sentence fragments.
Failing to provide specific details when a story is challenged.
Group II
1. Lies of Denial. This type of lie will involve an untruthful person (or a truthful person) simply saying that they were not involved.
2. Lies of Omission. ...
3. Lies of Fabrication. ...
4. Lies of Minimization. ...
5. Lies of Exaggeration.
Group III
1. Deceitful
2. Duplicitous
3. Delusional
4. Demoralized
5. People can lie to two kinds of audiences: other people or themselves, and they can lie about two different kinds of things: Facts (or what they believe to be facts) and their values
Special Category:
Definition of Uncle Tom: (Entry 1 of 3)
1. disparaging : A Black person who is overeager to win the approval of whites (as by obsequious behavior or uncritical acceptance of white values and goals)
2. disparaging : a person who is overly subservient to or cooperative with authority
3. Uncle Tom, pious and faithful Black slave in Uncle Tom's Cabin (1851–52) by Harriet Beecher Stowe
It has been a rough year if you are a woman or a child in school
Lyle Lovett & The Warriors
I was in the process of writing a more serious post but that will have to wait for next week. Instead I am taking a moment to talk about the exciting week I am experiencing. In a world that seems so dire, conflicted and just down right miserable it is important to acknowledge the things that bring a smile to your face. Of course there is love and family which are paramount but this week for me is filled with events that will not actually make the world a better place but they definitely are making my week a better experience.
First, my beloved Warriors won the NBA Championship for the fourth time in eight years. The story lines are incredible from a “small” guard that literally has changed the way other teams play the game —- a former number one draft pick that people had forgotten about —- a coach that isn’t afraid to use his celebrity to call out in justice and the cowardice of our elected officials —- this is a wonderful story.
I have seen him perform in NYC, Chicago, San Francisco, Santa Barbara, Aspen and now Napa. Lyle Lovett is one of the most gifted musicians of our day. I have taken myself to Napa to enjoy his amazing music.
Finally, I have five beautiful children. This is about my two boys. My eldest took me to a fabulous dinner at Spruce in San Francisco for Father’s Day. This Friday my youngest is taking me to the 5th game of the NHL Stanley Cup Finals in Denver where we hope to watch the Colorado Avalanche win The Cup!!
There is a lot of bad shit going down in the world but for this fortunate man it is a very good week. There are a few empty spots I would like to fill but c’mon man this week is a blessing.
Love to all.
With gratitude.!!!