It’s Not All About You!
I was at a dinner the other night and noticed a behavior which is all too common.. My dinner companion spent the majority of the evening telling me about all the things she had accomplished, who she knew, and how my experiences were just a little less important. As I drove home, I was hard pressed to remember what questions, if any, I was asked. There is nothing wrong about this person perfectly nice and outwardly kind. Maybe it was unconscious behavior, but the desire to prove relevancy was definitely present.
In any new circumstance it is hard to rein in your need to establish yourself as relevant. It appears to be a need to control, mitigate the risk of exposing yourself. You can do this by recanting all of your life accomplishments; indicate your importance by the famous people you have been with or making sure that your conversation companion knows that his or her story is good but doesn’t quite measure up.
Relationships start with motivation. You might be motivated by your desire to establish a business relationship or it could be your seeking a romantic involvement. Regardless of your motivation, the next step is to establish a connection. This could be a phone call , an in-person meeting or sharing a meal. Your best chance for success in establishing a connection will be your level of empathy. Demonstrating that you have accomplished much or know many people will not help you discover what the other person needs. . It will establish you as relevant in your world but it doesn’t connect you to the person across from you. Empathy on the other hand allows you to focus on the person you are motivated to know. It helps you to find out what their values are and what they desire. Your ability to be empathetic allows you to demonstrate that you care to know. You care to know about them rather than impressing them with all of your achievements. Your next step is to listen. You will not learn anything if you are doing all the talking. You already know what you have achieved so you are not learning anything new. However, if you ask question and listen you will learn a lot about the person you are engaging . You may learn that it is not a connection you wish to pursue or you may find that you have much in common and many things from which you can build a successful relationship. We already know how famous and successful you are …let's find out if the other person is equally accomplished or is someone that does not measure up to your standards or is just not interesting. Peeling back the layers of another person is the fun part of relationship discovery. But that can’t happen if you are performing a review of your life. Having the motivation is one thing but you must step back from your need to glow and let the other person shine --- you will be surprised at what you learn.
…….take a back seat for a minute