Rome

I love the train. The train system I know best is in Italy. The system is especially good when you are going north-south, That is not exclusively so because trips between Milano and Venezia or Genova or Torino are also frequent and enjoyable. There is an independence in train travel that makes it so different than traveling by air. To be sure I am speaking of public travel. You all in your G-whatever are excluded but then that is why you travel that way - to exclude everyone else. There is a level of independence when you are traveling by train. Once you have your ticket the rest is pretty much up to you. The terminals are grand edifices — cathedrals of travel. Milano Centrale is the perfect example of such a cathedral. Opened in 1931 it is the largest by volume in Europe. The idea of the station began in 1906 but construction did not commence in earnest until 1912. Due to the economic crisis attributed to World War I construction was very slow but in 1925 a renewed effort to complete the station resulted in its opening in 1931. It was inaugurated by then Prime Minister Benito Mussolini who saw it as a demonstration of the success of his Fascist regime. Regardless of who cut the ribbon, this station is still a marvel in elegance and substance.

Train travel is simple in its efficiency. There are no separate terminals for competing airlines, no buses driving around and around taking confused and exhausted passengers to said terminals. None of that —— you arrive at the terminal with your luggage which never leaves your side. Fancy that, you are in charge of your own luggage. Pack as much as you want as it is up to you to lift it. The schedule of all trains are represented by an enormous electronic billboard ( think a Jumbotron stadium scoreboard) which flashes your train number; time of departure; arrival city and the binario (the track from which it will leave). You walk to the numbered track, rolling your bag to the designated coach, get on the train, find your seat and you are done. Except, of course, when the conductor stops by to see your ticket. When you arrive at your destination — repeat. In the interim you sit quietly in your seat and read, sleep, or watch the world go by from a large window. What is missing is the interminable instructions that come over an indistinguishable PA system —— seat belts; tray tables, overhead luggage; under your seat; oxygen masks and on and on. No one selling you credit cards or scolding you because you got out of your seat at the wrong time. You are not crammed into a seat that was made for a ten year old. It is a demonstration of a basic service being provided and the trust that you are capable of finding your seat; taking care of your belongings and entertaining yourself. All the while the service does what it said it would do —- moves you from point A to point B. All at 200 mph.

The other benefits of this modern yet simple form of transportation —- one - It gets you to your destination when it said it would and two - you don’t have to wait for your luggage because your luggage is with you at al times. Finally I didn’t have to put my tray table up, nor my seat back, turn off my computer, wait for the jet bridge operator to wake up or wait for the gate to open up. I just got up pick up my bag and walked off the train…

Milan to Rome — 3 hours!!!! 356 miles —- simple

Taking a Break…

….. from the sad news of the day. There is so much it is hard to find good news, but happily it is found on the sports page (as in a newspaper page when we used to read newspapers). My family members are huge fans of the San Francisco Warriors basketball team. This team has been built in large part through cleaver draft picks and the recognition of players who had not reached their true potential. The Warriors will play in the NBA Finals for the sixth time in eight years. A remarkable achievement accomplished only by the Los Angeles Lakers and San Antonio Spurs. My hockey coach son is also ecstatic that the New York Rangers and the Colorado Avalanche are playing in their respective conference finals. Although there are losses and tragedies, i.e., sad news, in sports, it is the overarching positivity that makes sports news always hopeful. Individuals and teams do not play sports thinking that the outcome will be bad news. Sports are embraced because we are hopeful. We identify with sports because most of us have played sports throughout our lives. No matter the level of play, what is important is we have played the sport and can identify with the challenges and the successes. Regardless of the level we achieved in a particular sport, we can identify with the difficulty of achieving at the highest level. It is that personal identification that brings us close to sports and supporting sports teams. I mean, really, who can or wants to identify with the likes of Mitch McConnell??? But Steph Curry!!now there is a man one can identify with, after all we are the same height….I can identify with that!!!

Location is important for identifying and supporting a sports team. No wonder The World Cup is so popular. Aside from being The Beautiful Game, The World Cup gives you the chance to support something your country does that doesn’t require you to ignore your principles as a human. For my family the 49ers, Giants and Warriors were an integral part in creating positive conversations and opportunities to attend spectacular events. The players were central to the community and could be seen as “regular” people thus furthering their relationship to the community. Always fun to see Joe Montana having dinner with his family at a local San Francisco restaurant.

So here is a shoutout to the sports we love to play and love to watch. They offer a pleasant respite from the sad news of everyday. They offer something to cheer for but most important the keep hope alive and a smile on our collective faces. Regardless of the outcome there is always next year and a better chance of winning.

GO WARRIORS!!!!!!

Déjà Vu All Over Again…

It did not take a rocket scientist to see where the gun debate would go after another 21 people were slaughtered at a school. Pres. Biden comments that Mitch McConnell is coming around to supporting gun legislation.???? Are you kidding! McConnell will do nothing to support anything the smells of Democratic legislation. This is a man who has zero interest in governance for the country and only is interested in his personal power. This is a man who represents a state with a population of under 4.5 million. Yet he has driven appointments and legislation that has curtailed the rights and the ability of choice for millions. The thought of he or any other Republican willing to “do the right thing” is completely out on context with the world we live. Mark my words there will be NO significant legislation on guns until we vote out of office people like Mitch McConnell. Voting for representatives is not like voting for a couple on Dancing With the Stars”. Votes, like actions, have consequences. If you don’t “like” Hillary or Joe, then you receive the consequences of no reasonable gun legislation; a supreme court willing to ignore your right of choice and state legislatures ability to limit your access to the ballot box. When you vote, vote as if it has consequence because it does. The longer we elect the Mitch McConnells of the world, the longer we will have choices limited and our children at risk.

….I think it’s time we stop

Children, What’s that sound? Everybody look, what’s going down?

… There’s battle lines being drawn

Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong. Young people speaking their minds. Getting so much resistance from behind

Buffalo Springfield —- 1967

Written 55 years ago and here we are!!

Sad, indeed

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

WHAT ARE WE DOING!!!

 Those words were uttered by Sen. Chris Murphy this afternoon after 19 children were shot at a Texas elementary school, ten days after another shooter killed 10 African Americans at a grocery store in Buffalo.   He delivered his remarks on the Senate floor and can be viewed on CSpan (May 24, 2022, at 2:40 pm PDT)

His speech was passionate and riveting.  We have more mass shootings in this country than days in the year.  He reminded us of the continuing emotional trauma that the victims have years after the event.  He pleaded with his fellow Senators to “do something” to stem the rising tide of these events in the United States.  It was a rallying cry for help and action.  You might even feel a wave of positive emotion that finally our elected representative might try to do something to cure this disease of hate and violence that is fueled by selfish arrogant media personalities and fomented by thoughtless politicians.   Check yourself,  all you have to do to understand that nothing will be done is to read Sen Murphy’s identifier at the bottom of the screen

D-Conn

That is all you need to know when assessing the possibility of action. Not one R-State will ever support him.   He is a Democrat and thus anything he says will be objected. We will quickly retreat to our tribal tents and bemoan the loss of lives while we tune into Fox News.

We are the only country in the world that has this problem except for Russia which chooses to bomb the shit out of schools and hospitals and thus their numbers are much larger.  Thus, in comparison, the US looks great.  The strange company we choose to align ourselves.  It is a sad day when in reality we are no better than the country we so routinely criticize for killing its citizens.

It is a sad day indeed…

Mothers to the Rescue

Last week I wrote about the incredible event held the day before Mother’s Day.

We are all still basking in the glow of this beautiful wedding.  With all the beauty – flowers, people, venue, and testimonials — beautiful vignettes often get lost in the frenzy of the moment.  As a tribute to Mothers who are always there – resourceful, loving, and solvers of problems, I write of a small but important example why we celebrate our Mothers.

Orchestrating hair and make-up are a critical part of any wedding especially one with a full complement of people in the wedding party.  No one wants to go first, everyone wants to go last but that is not a possibility because we all know who goes last---The Bride — after all it is her day. 

The orchestration of this necessary project was amazing.  The youngest member of the wedding party was my 9-year-old granddaughter.  Her mother with three other children had a full house and a full job.  By the time my granddaughter arrived at the bridal suite things were rapidly concluding.  Inexplicably the hairstylist exited stage left and was nowhere to be found.  My granddaughter would have survived without her hair being done but the mothers of the bridal party would have none of that ---- Mothers to the rescue!!! Immediately Ms. Arizona and Ms. Michigan announced – “we have you covered girl”. These wonderful women who could have been more focused on themselves went to work to make my granddaughter feel special and part of the group.  A little thing you say --- You would be wrong.

I am not sure what genetic alteration occurs when women become mothers but their resilience, protectiveness, and just plain – we are here and we will solve this.  Across the spectrum of problems and crises, it is the women in our world that are the consistent steady hand that gets things done seamlessly.

It might seem to you that my granddaughter’s hair was not a problem worth writing about. I beg to disagree.  This simple act of kindness made her a part of the larger group.  It said to her – you are important and we care about you.  That is a powerful message for a nine-year-old and one that she will carry with her as she develops her skills as problem solver and care giver..

My sincere thanks to the “Mothers of the Bridal Party “ for making this little girl feel special.

Happy Mother’s Day

The Party’s Over…..

The party’s over…...

Turn out the lights, the party’s over – they say all good things must come to an end

But why??? It was all so amazing and beautiful.

My son and his incredible, beautiful partner were married last weekend.

It was an event that due to fires; a pandemic and a variety of broken promises took two years to achieve. Yet, after all of the issues, the result was amazing.

Flowers, food, and venues were all presented to perfection. Even the weather held out for three days. The original date was set for July two years ago and on that date, the temperature was 106!!! that is when the talk of winter weddings was in full gear. The band, oh the band, they were stupendous. They were so good the dance floor was full even at 1:30 am!!!! Yes, indeed, I was still on the dance floor at 1:30. Of course, I did have some extra incentive – it is still early stages so we will write about that later in the year. But then Sunday arrived and the reality that the party was indeed over set many of us in a downward spiral of depression as we wanted the party to never end.

As I thought about the last few days and the actual wedding, I was wondering why it affected us so deeply. It wasn’t the flowers or the spectacular vineyard setting, the band, or even the eloquent speeches or our too funny Mistress of Ceremonies. No, it was the people and the love that was in every corner, at every table, and every event. There is something about making the effort to travel a long distance and put your best clothes on for a loving event. You bring -- “YOUR “A” GAME”

It started at the first casual function followed by the rehearsal dinner and concluded with the actual wedding. People were present and available. The guests talked with each other not just with the people they knew. Everyone was available to meet new people and to explore where they were from, their relationship with the couple getting married, and more – much more.

There was an atmosphere of loving curiosity and availability for conversations that could be continued after the event had concluded. It was just the right atmospheric mix that allowed people to be comfortable, let their guard down, and experience the joy of being with people merely for the happiness that we can bring when we are genuine and interested. Tribalism and social barriers can separate us but that was not present for three days. This was a human event that fostered a loving curiosity about our differences and our commonality. This wedding was all about love and human kindness and that is why we never wanted the party to end.

It was an honor to be present

With love

Your friend and father…

Expectation vs. Presumption

I wrote last week about the challenges of expectation and how setting expectations is not without peril for the person setting those expectations for a client or personal relationship. The counterpoint to expectation is the presumption. I presume that I will be able to create a lovely living space out of the small home I purchased. I also presume that my interior decorator will create a beautiful living space that will not only fit my needs but will create the requisite beauty that will be admired by friends and family. The problem with presumption is that you are assuming that the outcome will fit your parameters and your thought process. But not all people think like you!! Hard to imagine but that is the truth. I imagined that my family would visit my ranch every month —- the issue with that presumption is that I failed to take into account that my daughter’s family had many agendas that might not fit mine. After all I did not have children competing in tennis tournaments or had homework that needed to be finished for the next week’s school. The issue with presumption is that it is all about you. The presumption fails to take into account the other person. Presumption is an exercise without empathy. I am presuming that what I want is what everyone else would want . After all it is my good idea. Obviously people have their own agenda and their own expectations and ultimately their presumption as to the outcome.. So if my decorator and I have the same presumption , the outcome will be beautiful and harmonious. But if we fail to converse and discuss, then my presumption will not match up and her expectations will be challenged and. As disappointed as we may be over unmet expectations, it is unexamined presumptions that can direct us down a path of failure and disappointment.

Relationships require careful consideration of both expectations and presumptions.

Tread lightly my friend…

Managing Expectations

I was listening to an NPR segment on the difference between name-brand gas like Chevron and no-name gas. Essentially there is none except the price. There is a no-name gas station in Mill Valley. When gas was over six dollars a few weeks ago I bought gas there at 5.75. Today I went back to that station and bought gas for 5.00. With all the talk about high gas prices, my expectation was a per-gallon cost of 5.75-6.00. I was, of course, delighted that gas was ONLY costing me 5.00 per gallon. Never mind that less than a year ago that same gallon would have cost 3.00. But the power of expectation gave me the false sense of buying gas at a bargain price.

I am doing a “minor remodel” of a small home in Sausalito. My contractor indicated that it would take about 6 months to complete. It has now been 9 months and the project is nowhere near complete. I am disappointed with my contractor for his inability to complete the project in 6 months. If he had told me the project would take 10 months I would be thrilled that he was going to finish a month early. The power of expectation has set us on a negative relationship path because I am disappointed with his performance given the expectational path he had set at the beginning of the project.

Setting expectations is challenging. Whether we want to “make the sale”, provide comfort to a concerned population, or manage a personal relationship; what comes out of our mouths sets the tone for everything that comes next. It happens every minute in our fractured political environment. Politicians trying to keep their job by promising you things they have no control over. The previous President Liar did this every minute of his presidency feeling that his expectation setting had no consequence. We do this in our relationships because we hate to disappoint those we love. We want to present the best possible outcome when convincing someone to buy our product or become our client. Eventually, our framing of the issue in the most positive of outcomes will create a worse negative situation if we cannot produce. Hence the expression “under-promise and over-deliver”.

In its most basic form, managing expectations is about being truthful. If you cannot defend your truth then don’t say what you cannot defend. We cannot guarantee all outcomes even if we believe they will occur. Hence the value of the verbal caveat. When asked, give a truthful answer to setting expectations with a heavy salting of caveats that can protect your credibility and keep your client, friend, or loved one from expecting too much and then becoming disappointed. It is not an easy path but helps to keep the anxiety to a manageable level.

I expect it will rain tomorrow but then again I am not sure….

Bachelor Party

Dear readers, forgive me for missing in action last week. I took a week off to try to wrap my head around the craziness that is our daily life in 2022. Remember when we were so happy to see 2021 go away and now look where we are.

On a lighter note, I was also distracted by the events of this last week and weekend. My youngest son had his bachelor party in celebration of his upcoming wedding in May. It was a 5 day affair!!! Now I know what you are thinking - strip clubs and other forms of debauchery. You would be wrong. The “weekend” events started with a very sophisticated intimate cocktail party hosted by one of my very best friends at an iconic San Francisco establishment. This was followed by a golf day, followed by a tennis day with dinners and many cocktails during the evening. What was different from the predictable bachelor party bad behavior was the celebration of friendship. This group of young men were there to enjoy each others company. They exchanged stories, talked about successes, talked trash on the golf course, imagined the future and exchanged world views. This was a celebration of their friendship and an opportunity to wish their friend and my son the very best as he embarked on this next most loving chapter. I was honored to be a part of it and felt welcomed at every event. What ever you might think of when you think Bachelor Party this was a truly fantastic event and one that will be remembered by all who were fortunate enough to attend.

Thank you gentlemen for including me.

With love….

Unimaginable

It seems unimaginable that I have written this blog every week for almost two years. What is also unimaginable is that I have loyal readers who read this blog every week and many send me comments which I greatly appreciate. Speaking of unimaginable….

It is unimaginable what is happening in Europe in the 21st century of what we falsely call civilization. What Russia and the scumbag are doing to Ukraine is unimaginable. The loss of life, property and civilization is unimaginable.

Listening to NPR and the Senate hearings on the nomination of Ketanji Brown Jackson to the Supreme Court I discovered further evidence of the fall of civilization. It is unimaginable that the likes of Cruz, Cotton, Hawley, Sasse, Graham, Cornyn, would demonstrate just how big a jackass one can be while questioning this highly qualified and intelligent woman. An unimaginable display of just how far we have fallen as a Democracy.

It is 85 degrees here in San Francisco on March 22nd. Again it is unimaginable that we as a society refuse to accept that global warming is a reality and further unimaginable we are doing so little to correct the problem.

I imagine the world to be a better place, but today it all seems unimaginable.

Fulfillment

We live in a forward looking culture. I am not referring to our view of the future and how we can best prepare for that future. After all, if we were that forward thinking we would have prepared for global warming. No, I am referring to our “grass is greener” forward thinking. You know, the nicer car, better house, prettier girlfriend, more handsome boyfriend, the better job —- well just about everything better is just around the bend or at the end of the rainbow.

As we watch in horror at the devastation being wreck upon the people of Ukraine, I have been more focused on fulfillment in my life. Embracing what I have accomplished but more importantly what I have right now. We can do the same introspection as a country.

Instead of looking at the things that we do not have a solution for — global warming, political division, world war etc. maybe we could focus on those things that have fulfilled us. It can be as personal and granular as the things that have fulfilled my life - children, grandchildren, career, moments of love and togetherness. These are moments that have filled our cup to overflow. But fulfillment is not just for personal recognition. We as a society should recognize and embrace the fulfillment that is ours as a country. Is it perfect? Of course not, but we as a country and culture have much to be grateful for and much that has fulfilled us. We are looking ahead to a better tomorrow or a change in political environment or the myriad of things we see as greener. Perhaps we should think about how fulfilled we are as a country and culture. Given the recognition of fulfillment just might cause us to think that cooperation and collaboration would be a better way to govern.

With gratitude…

I Just Don’t Know…..

You would think that I would have so many things to write about this week, but the overwhelming number of issues render me speechless. What stood out more than the insane war in 21st century Europe, Covid, supply chain, inflation, US politics, and the Supreme Court’s denial of judicial precedent was the common thread of all of these is the continuing lack of resolution. Think about your own life, the personal and business issues that lack resolution. It is enough to drive one to drink — We are so doubtful of our ability to arrive at an acceptable resolution or outcome to problems little and big — simple and complication. We have been accustomed to doubting our every move. Questioning all rational thought which seemed so solid decades ago. Now everything is fraught with doubt and question marks. Even my friends that live their lives with the glass half full have begin to think that maybe the glass is not quite as full as it used to be. The continual slide towards doubt started slowly and now is careening downhill. There was a point that information was generally reliable and news organizations stayed with the facts as had been research and validated. As we are all aware there are multiple “news” organizations who report news according unproven beliefs and confusion between truth and fiction. Our truth seems to be of our own making.

My worry is that we will continue to live in a world of no resolution. The lack of resolved stability leaves us untethered and floundering while we seek safe harbor.

The seas are churning with doubt and insecurity.

I just don’t know ?!

Bartender!!!!

I am pretty global…

A cute phrase to use if you would like to let people know that you are interested in the world and are aware that things happening elsewhere have a growing effect on life in your community. Russia’s invasion of the nation of Ukrainian is an example of the result of the isolationist’s doctrine of the previous US administration. If you are not talking you are not solving. Whether business, personal or global, if you are not speaking on a regular basis those relationships wither. If you are only talking when there is a problem there is no goodwill to support the challenge of the crisis. The world took its eye off the ball while assuming a problem of this magnitude would ever develop. Yet, here we are in the middle of the unthinkable. We should know better, when there is communication in our daily life those conversations smooth the way when the road gets rough. The road always gets rough. We all need to be more global. The more we communicate the more we can fend off the approaching storm of misunderstanding.

Positive Affirmation

The world is a challenging place with problems that seem insurmountable, too costly and generally unattainable. The antonyms for hope are desperation and despair which best describe much of what we face on a daily basis.

Hope: A feeing of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen. The definition implies that I have no power or plan to influence the outcome.

A wish: to feel or express a strong desire for something, to request by expressing desire . A wish seems more powerful and implies that you might be able to conduct your life in a way that could make your wish come true. An Olympic athlete might hope to win but if she wishes to win she can achieve her desire through hard work which could result in a wish come true.

An affirmation is the action of affirming something. A positive assertion. Affirmations seem to be a powerful step up in the creation of a positive outcome. I affirm that I will accomplish a certain action implies that I will be making every effort to accomplish that action by affirmative steps and positive action.

Hoping for something sounds like a politician hoping that global warming goes away. Hoping is a weakly held belief or maybe a lazy way of indicating that you would like something to happen but you really are not willing to put in the effort —- Athletes don’t hope for success.

They might wish for their success as a way of approaching their goal with a positive attitude. Wishing is voicing a positive conclusion and does not preclude or ignore the hard work that must be done to make that wish come true.

A positive affirmation is a powerful statement of what you will achieve and forms a foundation that you can build from as you study, train and otherwise work to achieve that which you have affirmed.

I affirm that I will succeed. Affirmation feels like you mean it and you will work hard to achieve. Hoping feels like you think it will just fall in your lap —- like winning the lottery

I affirm that I will reach my goal through positive change and hard work.

That feels solid.

A Little Boy Alone

It was the last day of grammar school. Typically sunny and warm with the din of noise from the children playing in the school yard as they pass the time waiting for summer. A little boy was standing away from the larger group. He was not playing with the group he was just standing alone watching the activity. There was a sand box adjacent to the swings and play courts - It was empty with the exception of several bean bags which were used for an adjacent game. The little boy walked into the sand box and sat down. In a somewhat meditative state he began running his fingers thru the warm fine sand. Picking up a hand full and watching the sand run through his fingers as it would in an hour glass. Time past slowly but he was neither distracted by the noise of the children or the passage of time. In a few moments a little girl walked into the sand box and sat down beside him. Without speaking to each other they were bound by their mutual interest in the sand and the comfort of the quiet and the common energy between them. They shared an unspoken interest in the beauty of the moment and the comfort of proximity. Suddenly without explanation the little boy stood up while grabbing one of the bean bags and subsequently threw the beanbag up and onto the school roof. He was no longer alone as the entire school yard and teacher were suddenly drawn to this boy who had been alone. The teacher blew her whistle and instructed the children to return to the class room. The school had a citizenship score on their report card. A one in citizenship was excellent and a three was failure. Whether it was jealousy of the little boy and girl of their quiet happiness, perhaps judgement or just the opportunity to seize upon the mistake the little boy had made, the teacher asked the class to vote on the little boy’s citizenship grade. It was unanimous, the class voted to give him a failing grade. Forgiveness is often denied by the overwhelming nature of the crowd and their need for judgement. Forgiveness only takes one,

It is hard to find someone that is happy sitting beside you in the sandbox. You don’t need the approval of the other kids because they will have judgement on the way you play and jealousy of your happiness just watching the grains of sand paint a picture of the future.

Moral:

When a beautiful little girl is happy sitting with you in the sandbox and asks for nothing but your company and the exploration of mutual interests - don’t throw a bean bag on the roof and fuck it all up.

Controlling Covid

The numbers are read with a distant voice —- the number of sick and dead as Covid’s claim on our lives continues into the third year. We have lost more than lives during this pandemic. We have lost a sense of direction, patience, relationships, and control of our truth.. We can’t blame all loss on Covid but it has affected us in more nuanced ways than one can fully understand or acknowledge. We have taken our eye off the ball, especially in dealing with those closest to us. It appeared they were always there but we became lazy and assumed it always would be. Looking back I became more self-centered than my usual modest ego would allow. Was I really the only one struggling to make this work —- I don’t think so. We all have struggled. That struggle has made it harder to be patient or to improve. Focusing on outcomes and solutions then falsely rewarding myself for my suffering while forgetting those that had made it all possible.

Instead of bitching about wearing masks, getting vaccinated, waiting for what ever product the supply chain had failed to deliver, it would have been more productive to focus on those around us. Relating and focusing on them before they walked out the door like Covid will eventually.

Trying desperately to keep control we became lost. Emulating the asshole that views all of life as a negotiation and control. You don’t have to be an asshole to be controlling. Controlling can be read while you are focused solely on your issues. One might think that those acts of generosity and kindness were enough to mask control, but the simple question, “what do you need?” would have assured those closest that you truly cared. Control can be invasive and chips away at intimacy and caring. Our minds are grasping for control and Covid made it all that more difficult to gain the validation and security we were actually wanting. The world was out of control and thus we grasped for anything we could control while missing the opportunity to validate and connect with those that are most willing to give.

Stay focused my friends on those that care.

Something to Consider…

I am in the process of remodeling a home in Sausalito to make it more comfortable after a dramatic change from my previous domicile.

On my daily visit to the now destruction zone, it dawned on me…….Growth and Change are good things to bring into ones life as no life is stagnate and requires a refresh. However, that does not mean you have to tear the whole house down to achieve your goal. It would be better to work more constructively as there are bound to be somethings worth saving.

Protect that which cannot be replaced…

Are you listening?

Many years ago my desk mate and I went skiing in Alta Utah with Steve Johnson, He was a ski instructor who I had not met but over the years would teach me and all of my children how to ski. He also became a very close friend and teacher. On this particular trip I was the worst skier of the group and spent much of the day flailing at the snow and self-flagellating over my inability to ski as good as the others. Towards the end of the day my friends had to leave early for flights to NYC. Steve and I were on opposite sides of a transition trail - he motioned me over to his side and said in a calm voice —- “If you have time and would like to, I will ski with you this afternoon and will make you a better skier, but if you behave like you have for the last three hours I will leave you on the mountain.” This was a slap in the face and I never behaved like that again. I listened and became a better skier which has been a foundational activity for my family.

Listening is a problem for many as the white noise of regularity gets in the way of what your partner, workmate, family or friend are saying to you. . What I like about good teachers is they are able to teach the same principles in 100 different ways. Good teachers never know exactly what you will hear so they say it often. They never know what voice or what words will connect with you or what ears you are wearing on any particular day. Another example of listening or the lack of it. It has been proven that when you are at the doctors office you hear everything the doctor says but you only retain 20%. Pretty sure that is an “F” in listening.

We all have problems listening and hearing people that are close to us. Whether it is the outside world, family or romantic partners, we just take for granted so much and don’t always bring our best listening skills. Regularity lulls us into a false sense of security that all is well and I don’t have to listening so closely. Good morning, I love you; good bye I love you, good night I love you. We all say it and we say it now and will say it multiple times over. This beautiful little phrase is a little remembrance that we are together and everything is well. BUT that was yesterday and today is different. If you are not truly listening, the hum of the usual masks the message of the day. If we don’t check in and we don’t ask, we miss what is amiss whether a love relationship or a work relationship. The vigilance of listening takes focus and work. Sometimes a slap in the face is what is needed. At work we had year-end reviews and that provided a platform to hear what my boss was saying. Not a bad idea for our romantic interests. Aren’t we often unaware of what we do until we are told and then, can amend it? Especially if the person gives feedback by the way of how they feel and are affected. The special relationships are with people who hear and then amend.

Like Steve Johnson and the other great teachers in our lives if you are not being heard and you want your needs heard then keep saying it in different ways and if they still don’t hear you then slap them up aside of the head to get their attention and then say it again. Good things come with practice and an occasional reminder — do you hear me?

I love you….

Growth

Life is a continuum of growth opportunities. Rarely are these individual events. We all seek to experience and learn from the opportunities that are presented to us. Growth may be just another word for change or perhaps trying something out of ones comfort zone. To repeat an old axiom “no man is an island” —- written by English poet John Donne in the 17th century. We can attempt to grow alone when things seem difficult and there is no immediate answer. I believe that growth is achieve more deeply when done in concert with others or even one other. Just that little bit of encouragement, support and love for your achievements can be the thing that helps one move to the next growth stage. Growing is a richer and deeper way to make your way to the next growth opportunity.

Together is better….

Home

New Year’s — for all the protestations of “Happy” I find it challenging at best. Happy that the past year and its issues are over but anxious about the unforeseen and unresolved that the New Year presents. I find myself particularly despondent this year over the lack of a home. This is not a new phenomenon for me. For this current episode, I have been without a home since 2020. To be fair I am not talking about homeless on the street, I am far more fortunate. I am thinking of the concept of home and what part of that abstraction is causing this deep sadness.

There is the physical home. A building that has an address which we ascribe status and pride. A physical representation of self. A place for ones clothes and framed pictures of past moments. A place where we lay our head to sleep and dream of more homes. A place of warmth and comfort. If home offers all of this, then why are we running away from this place. Living out of a suitcase has little relationship to the warmth of home. Yet running away is what we do. No matter how grand the home, we are constantly dancing to- and-fro. Never sure if I want to dance closely or more comfortable apart.

Perhaps home is not a physical place. Is home a person or persons? Is home a partner which creates the home? A partner you can converse with whether together or apart. . Is home the person you can laugh with while you are having fun and cling to when you need warmth and support. A partner that likes both the slow dance and the fast one. Perhaps we are confused about the role of home and who should play that role. The brick and mortar home with which we give much importance is not all that flexible. It cannot listen to our concerns, share our success, or comfort us. A partner can do all of that and can do that while in the same space or apart. We are more comfortable when things are structured and fixed and thus the physical home looks more welcoming. Surely one knows that nothing is permanent, fixed, or secure. My home can burn or blow away. If home is a person it is available near and far, it can change, it can be exciting, it can agree and disagree, and you don’t have to hire a contractor to make the changes. If home is a partner, it can dance fast and slow.

May I have this dance?