Home

New Year’s — for all the protestations of “Happy” I find it challenging at best. Happy that the past year and its issues are over but anxious about the unforeseen and unresolved that the New Year presents. I find myself particularly despondent this year over the lack of a home. This is not a new phenomenon for me. For this current episode, I have been without a home since 2020. To be fair I am not talking about homeless on the street, I am far more fortunate. I am thinking of the concept of home and what part of that abstraction is causing this deep sadness.

There is the physical home. A building that has an address which we ascribe status and pride. A physical representation of self. A place for ones clothes and framed pictures of past moments. A place where we lay our head to sleep and dream of more homes. A place of warmth and comfort. If home offers all of this, then why are we running away from this place. Living out of a suitcase has little relationship to the warmth of home. Yet running away is what we do. No matter how grand the home, we are constantly dancing to- and-fro. Never sure if I want to dance closely or more comfortable apart.

Perhaps home is not a physical place. Is home a person or persons? Is home a partner which creates the home? A partner you can converse with whether together or apart. . Is home the person you can laugh with while you are having fun and cling to when you need warmth and support. A partner that likes both the slow dance and the fast one. Perhaps we are confused about the role of home and who should play that role. The brick and mortar home with which we give much importance is not all that flexible. It cannot listen to our concerns, share our success, or comfort us. A partner can do all of that and can do that while in the same space or apart. We are more comfortable when things are structured and fixed and thus the physical home looks more welcoming. Surely one knows that nothing is permanent, fixed, or secure. My home can burn or blow away. If home is a person it is available near and far, it can change, it can be exciting, it can agree and disagree, and you don’t have to hire a contractor to make the changes. If home is a partner, it can dance fast and slow.

May I have this dance?