Are you listening?
Many years ago my desk mate and I went skiing in Alta Utah with Steve Johnson, He was a ski instructor who I had not met but over the years would teach me and all of my children how to ski. He also became a very close friend and teacher. On this particular trip I was the worst skier of the group and spent much of the day flailing at the snow and self-flagellating over my inability to ski as good as the others. Towards the end of the day my friends had to leave early for flights to NYC. Steve and I were on opposite sides of a transition trail - he motioned me over to his side and said in a calm voice —- “If you have time and would like to, I will ski with you this afternoon and will make you a better skier, but if you behave like you have for the last three hours I will leave you on the mountain.” This was a slap in the face and I never behaved like that again. I listened and became a better skier which has been a foundational activity for my family.
Listening is a problem for many as the white noise of regularity gets in the way of what your partner, workmate, family or friend are saying to you. . What I like about good teachers is they are able to teach the same principles in 100 different ways. Good teachers never know exactly what you will hear so they say it often. They never know what voice or what words will connect with you or what ears you are wearing on any particular day. Another example of listening or the lack of it. It has been proven that when you are at the doctors office you hear everything the doctor says but you only retain 20%. Pretty sure that is an “F” in listening.
We all have problems listening and hearing people that are close to us. Whether it is the outside world, family or romantic partners, we just take for granted so much and don’t always bring our best listening skills. Regularity lulls us into a false sense of security that all is well and I don’t have to listening so closely. Good morning, I love you; good bye I love you, good night I love you. We all say it and we say it now and will say it multiple times over. This beautiful little phrase is a little remembrance that we are together and everything is well. BUT that was yesterday and today is different. If you are not truly listening, the hum of the usual masks the message of the day. If we don’t check in and we don’t ask, we miss what is amiss whether a love relationship or a work relationship. The vigilance of listening takes focus and work. Sometimes a slap in the face is what is needed. At work we had year-end reviews and that provided a platform to hear what my boss was saying. Not a bad idea for our romantic interests. Aren’t we often unaware of what we do until we are told and then, can amend it? Especially if the person gives feedback by the way of how they feel and are affected. The special relationships are with people who hear and then amend.
Like Steve Johnson and the other great teachers in our lives if you are not being heard and you want your needs heard then keep saying it in different ways and if they still don’t hear you then slap them up aside of the head to get their attention and then say it again. Good things come with practice and an occasional reminder — do you hear me?
I love you….