Just Say Yes
The season of yes
It is easy to get comfortable with the routine. Favorite restaurants, vacation spots and all sorts of habits we do every day. Not only is change a challenge as we struggle to remove ourselves from our comfort zone but it is hard to say yes. So much easier to say no. After a couple of years of either lockdown or isolation I have determined that yes would be the optimal word for the next decade. Doesn’t have to be a big yes. No, I am talking about simple yes that moves the needle just a little, but opens you up to more than you expected. Of course, big yes will result in big changes --- moving across the country or out of the country. What I am referring to is your willingness to say yes to little things. The things that it is easy to say no to. I would suggest that doing that will add a level of excitement and discovery that going to the same restaurant will never achieve.
Case in point… The Snail Bar…
I live in Marin County. Now this is not a universal truth but getting someone from Marin to go to the East Bay is generally a hard no. My new friends from the Bell’s reunion dinner that I wrote about last week called to see if I would meet them at The Snail Bar. I had never heard of it and by the sound of the name it was never going to be on my “to do” list. But I am into saying “yes” and so I did exactly that. Now the distance to this establishment is 25 miles or less than 30 minutes. However, on a Friday evening it could take well over an hour. Not to be deterred from my yes program I headed out to this establishment.
Reward:
I found a parking place in front of the restaurant. Must have been good karma for traveling all that way -- : -)
Better reward:
This little hole in the wall is fabulous. Great food, unusual but solid wine selection. My friend Greg said it was a super little place. Greg is always right.
Best reward:
The five of us had a fantastic conversation and became even better friends. A writer for me to bounce my naive questions off of – a film/AI/tech gentleman who knew my good friend who makes IMAX movies--- Francine and Brian — most special. The conversation was varied, exciting and I learned a lot. It was just fun.
Next Case…
I had dinner with a friend that I had not seen in a while. It evolved into a 5-hour conversation solving all of the world’s problems, having a lot of smiles and laughs and closing the restaurant. Such a wonderful evening…
Next case…
I picked up my grandson from tennis and took him to his community project. He tutors a young boy who normally would not have access to additional educational help. Best part --- we had dinner after. Now for all of those who think this generation spends all of their time with their nose buried in an electronic device, I will tell you be careful when you paint things with a broad brush. This generation is thoughtful, open minded, without bias and brilliant. We had a varied conversation and help with my book. I can hardly wait for them to kick-out the narrow-minded, biased individuals who pose as leaders in the US Congress.
None of these events are either earth shattering or unique in the grander scheme of fancy things to do in the world. But they occurred because I said yes. They broadened my world view, made me think and well, they were just super fun.
If you say no ---- it doesn’t happen….
Time Well Spent
I was listening to a radio show today on my local NPR station (KQED). The subject matter presented by Forum host Nina Kim was an interview of Shadi Hamid. He is a Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institute. He wrote an article in The Atlantic titled “You’re Better Off Not Knowing”. The basic precept of this article is that listening to news all of the time can leave us physically ill or mentally exhausted. We could find better uses for our time than listening to news all day all the time. He further puts forth that much of the news is beyond our control and impact. An additional reason for finding better use of those hours. For example, as a news person he has not been following the latest Trump saga over his potential indictment. He doesn’t follow this story because it literally has no impact on his life and he has no control over the process or the outcome. I find we indulge in a lot of similar news stories. I have always been fascinated with the Kardashians. Not that I follow them but because so many people do follow them. The Kardashian activities or lack of activities have no impact on our lives or society’s. Trump’s activities are similar. He is not in power, has no ability to pass laws or pen executive orders that would impact me in any way. His legal troubles are out of my control and have no impact. Although I might smile or even laugh if he were to actually be convicted, following news about him is an absolute waste of time. The point of all of this is one might consider being more selective about the things we commit time to. Our life span is approximately 4700 weeks. When you look at it in that way you might be more careful how much time you commit to Trump or Kardashian.
Speaking of a better use of time….
I attended a reunion of sorts at my favorite restaurant in Los Alamos, CA --- Bell’s. A Michelin Star restaurant owned and presented by Daisy and Greg Ryan. The group assembled had been together in the South of France last fall. The dinner prepared by Daisy and her staff and presented by Greg and his staff was amazing. We all felt it was the meal we had expected during our tour of the not so fabulous restaurants curated by the tour organizer. For me it was an interesting comparison in how we related to each other. I did not know anyone except Daisy and Greg when we met in France. Admittedly I can be stand offish as unknown groups tend to make me a little withdrawn. On this occasion we greeted each other as friends, not just friends, but warm friends who had shared more than a moment in time. As I reflect on the aforementioned discussion, I thought of this evening and how worthwhile it was to have taken the trouble to attend. It reminded me that whether the trip was perfect or challenged we shared this experience together. Thus, it gave us a wonderful basis from which to learn more about each other... Many of these people know more about me as many read this blog. That would not have happened without sharing a common experience. Coming together again turned out to be most positive and fulfilling.
Finally, this evening was made more worthwhile by one of our group who took it upon herself to inform us about the philanthropic effort of Daisy and Greg.
Running a restaurant is no easy task and the margins aren’t so great either. However out of the love of food, people and hospitality our hosts for this evening are an example of people extending their reach to help others. Daisy and Greg started an organization named “Feed The Valley”. This effort is to help support those in this agricultural community who are food challenged. It is a not so obvious problem in this seemingly affluent area. Giving this effort a spotlight was the perfect use of time as we gathered around this table enjoying exactly that which many cannot.
How we spend our time is a true-life challenge. As we chew through the time available, we become more aware of the lack of time. I do not care about news that I have no control or have no impact, but I do care about the people I was fortunate enough to share a meal and those that prepared it. This evening was a valuable use of my time and I hope for theirs’s as well.
Con Gratitudine e Amore
Has Anyone Noticed…
….that the titans of wealth, fewer regulations and oversight —- airlines, railroads, auto industry, energy, banks etc. along with the venture capital community benefitting from their favored tax treatment through carried interest are the first ones to spend the “crisis weekend” begging to be bailed out by the US government. Does anyone think that this behavior looks particularly egregious in light of the events of last weekend? Or that Barney Frank sits on the board of one of the failed banks? Short term memory issues are a real institutional problem…
I just didn’t want to write about some horrifying news event or some self-serving senator or any number of negative issues.
What I wanted to say is that two months after my knee surgery I was ripping it up on the ski slopes of Colorado with a bunch of thirty somethings. One third of the famous SKI-AMIGOS was celebrating her birthday with her favorite pals and I was invited!! I was so proud of myself for flying and staying there on my cumulated credit card points. This enabled me to squander my savings at Matsuhisa, La Nonna and Kimo Sabe. I have to thank Dr. Matthew Provencher and the fabulous Steadman Clinic for fixing me up. The ability to ski has allowed me to participate in and create memories with my family and friends. We don’t do first chair anymore but that has not diminished our ability to have fun with a sport we love.
Those brief moments of sliding down the mountain has shielded me from the craziness of the world in which we live. A moment to reflect on how fortunate I am to be able to race down the hill with family and friends. I was honored to be included and loved every moment.
ADDED BENEFIT——-I was so busy having fun I didn’t have time to watch the titans begging. - so unattractive…
I love you SKi-AMIGOS
Standing in Line
It is nothing new to say that we are busy. The electronic gadgets that were supposed to give us time, has in truth taken time away from us. Not only has it helped us develop neck problems and stooped shoulders, it has also moved us away from interacting with each other.
The other day I was waiting in Lane #1 for a flight to Denver. Now Lane #1 used to be a good lane, but Lane # 1 is actually lane number #5. Lane #1 allows one to board after the Global People, the 1K people, Women and children, physically challenged, military in Uniform (don’t see too many of those) and on and on. What I noticed was how willing people were to stand in lanes 1 thru 5. No one is sitting in the chairs; they are all standing in line. Listening to some United employee blather on and on about all of these rules and regulations we must adhere to, in order to get on the plane and sit in the tiny seat that we paid for. I am fascinated by the sea of people with their suitcases of valuable belongings, their children and all of their equipment. I am fascinated they are all willingly standing in line.
A few minutes before I was walking to my gate and passed a Starbucks or was it Peet’s, regardless there was another group of people willing to wait in line for 30 minutes or more to buy a cup of burned coffee or another such coffee drink.
That morning I drove to the airport going east on the San Rafael-Richmond Bridge. I was going in the opposite direction of all the people who were traveling west to work in Marin County or San Francisco. On most mornings the line that these people were willing to wait extends all the way to Harbor which, for those unfamiliar, is between 3 to 4 miles. This is not an unusual occurrence; this happens every morning and these people are willing to stand in this line for hours.
For all of our interest in time – how much of it – what is left of it – better use of it – wasting it -- we put waiting in line in a different category. What is it about we humans that we are willing to stand in lines? What is it about this activity that we are so willing to accept? We're literally standing heads down, looking at our phones, mindlessly for hours. We got up early to stand in the security line. Then stand in the line at Starbucks for a drink that will take us 30 minutes to obtain and 5 minutes to consume. That seems to be the wrong proportion. We're OK with just standing. I am standing in this line and decided that this was a worthwhile subject to write about. I don't have a solution. It's amazing that in a world that is so busy and moves so quickly, standing in line is OK. Maybe that's just the point. Standing in line gives us the excuse to actually take a time out. Last week I wrote about stopping at a red light one evening in my car. While sitting there I became aware at how relaxed I was for the duration of the red light. The red light had given me the permission to stop. Perhaps our obsession with accomplishing has made us starved for moments of relaxation. It is those moments that we are given permission to stop. Perhaps standing in line is like the red light --- a moment to stop and relax. A moment not demanding that something be done, accomplished or problem solved. However, It would be a lot more fun to be stopping on the beach rather than waiting in line.
Group 9 you may board……
Friends and Family
There are different definitions of friendship or perhaps different styles of friendship. I am not going to define it but I will tell you about friendship. I came to Denver to celebrate my son’s birthday. There were many events associated with this singular occasion. My son has, over the years, been able to craft his birthday celebration as a National Holiday.
Friday — Great little Mexican restaurant followed by 3rd ranked Denver University D-1 Hockey team playing Univ. of Minnesota. We sat in the student section, of course, and seemed welcomed by the coeds sitting around us. This was followed by a quick (well not so quick for some) trip to the off campus student bar for a victory cocktail (or two) celebration.
Friendship Observation # 1
My son coaches the D-2 Denver University Men’s Club team. For the first time in 7 years they are on their way to regional championships and hopefully national finals. I watched as his entire team surrounded him…talking hockey, celebrating his birthday, and congratulating him on being named by the league — “Coach of the Year”. It’s hard to balance the role of coach, mentor and friend. However, he has managed to thread the needle in a most elegant way. It was heart warming to see these boys not only pay him respect but embrace him as a friend
Saturday -Pond hockey with some players and more friends. These are hockey enthusiasts playing pick-up games on frozen ponds. Remember this is winter in Colorado so they flood part of a golf course. There are all sorts groups, families and friends playing pick up hockey. Getting there was not without effort as travel time was a 45 minute to one hour drive for all.
Friendship Observation # 2
A broad group of families had managed to arrange for baby sitters and take a pause on all those Saturday duties allowing them to come and play hockey on a pond because he had asked them to do so. No presents just bring yourselves because you are my friends and I want to hang with you around a sport we all love. It is the friendship of common interests. A celebration of togetherness around a shared activity.
Saturday Night-I love the hospitality industry and when it is done correctly there is nothing like the experience of sharing food with friends. Fortunately the friends extend, at least for me, to the people who run these incredible establishments. Tavernetta is a must go to restaurant in Denver developed by the renowned restauranteur Bobby Stuckey. However it is the sommelier Tre Gerbitz that makes every visit special. His knowledge of wine and attention to detail is superb. In this instance he had taken the time to select wine vintages which matched important anniversaries in my son’s life. Graduation from prep school, college but importantly, his marriage to the most incredible Katherine “The Duchess of Worcestershire.” The dinner matched the wines and it was a party to remember.
Friendship Observation # 3
Our friends at this restaurant and others (Bell’s Los Alamos a prime example - no offense but they are still #1 for me) make every visit, a visit amongst friends. The warmth and meaningful conversation sandwiched into serving others always leaves me thinking they had open the restaurant just for me. Tre wrote an amazing salutation for my son as he described the meaning of the wines chosen for this event.
“ you bring so much joy into all of our lives. I am lucky to have met you, and look forward to celebrating your next birthday together, in Italy, or on the moon if they are allowing BYOB on spaceships by then.” —Tre
This is not service this is friendship!!!
Now the cynics might say this is what restaurant are supposed to do. I beg to differ this is an example of extraordinary people celebrating unconditional friendship
Sunday -Not over yet….. Colorado Avalanche game against Edmonton. It was an exciting overtime victory by the Aves and by all accounts an extraordinary game. Again I am not sitting in these seats if it were not for friends of my son who had graciously given him these seats plus 4 more for his friends.
Friendship Observation # 4
He does have a business relationship but he is the provider not the client. Yet through his attentiveness and care they have become friends. They are a young family and they share in the love of this game and the love building careers and families. A friendship of experience you might say. As you slog through the challenges of life, it is so much fun to have friends to share these experiences and challenges in real time.
Monday -Almost the end…. I had a doctor’s appointment about an hour and one half away from Denver. My son and friend was able to drag himself out of bed to take me to and from in the middle of holiday ski traffic. We ended our extravaganza with the “Three Ski Amigos” dinner at Matsuhisa Yes, I get to be part of this tight knit group of three. We reviewed all of the events.
Friendship Observation # 5
Friendships are developed over time but at the core the participants are interesting and interested. All sacrifices are worthwhile. Take Eli and Zach - piled hi with student debt, attending medical school and business school in Philadelphia, they managed to pause classes and fly out to be with their friend to celebrate his birthday. My son is someone you want to have as your friend and I am blessed to be one of them. It is the breadth of his friendship group that always amazes me. They are not just his class mates, nor his team, nor his work colleagues, they are a broad group of people that he has engaged with on multiple occasions. Friends are not acquaintances, they are people who believe in you and would help when needed. Fill in when asked; watch the dog, listen to your problems, give advice when needed.. Mostly they are people that you care about without condition just like the love we all strive to find and to give.
Happy Birthday
Love Your Friends and Family
The Red Light
A regular reader of this blog commented that I start many thoughts —— …… “driving home from a restaurant….” One might think that is a principal activity for me. They would be correct. I love to cook and believe that I am accomplished in the kitchen. However, I love a good restaurant experience. I am not skilled enough to be a cook in a restaurant. A knowledgeable enough chief to have a restaurant has a skill set way above my pay grade. I can make a good meal, but real chiefs can create recipes not follow them. I am on, my best day, a follower, not a creator.
I am off track of this stream-of-consciousness-blog I was setting out to write.
So, I begin again
I was driving home after an early dinner experience at one of my favorite Marin county restaurants. I was gliding along at the speed limit and noticed how oddly relaxing it is to drive the speed limit. You are not furtively checking the mirror for the red light. You are not worried about a DUI. You are just driving along in your lane as if you owned the road and had no particular place to be. I find driving fast takes a lot out of me, as I am looking for the aforementioned black and white while at the same time competing for position amongst the other cars driving too fast.
The light turned yellow, and I comfortably came to a stop at the red light. I was the first car in the intersection, thus, the red sphere was directly in front of me. It was at that moment a red super moon. I was mesmerized by the light and saw nothing else around it. I suddenly came to feel incredibly relaxed. It was as if the red light had signaled to me I could take a time out. A time out from my life – whatever that meant. The disappointments, the things I had to do, the lack of achievement on that particular day; the light allowed me to sit there without worry. I was not concerned about my destination. A red light lasts about 60 - 90 seconds and for that brief period I was relieved of all that surrounded my life and I was conscious of this amazing relief. Then just as suddenly as this feeling had come over me the light turned green and it was time to get in the race again.
Now maybe you think I had more than one cocktail but that would not have been true on this evening. We only have this one life, or perhaps we have more. Many believe we live more than one and perhaps that is true and we have more to live. I would like to think that but the problem is even if I have another to live, I will not know because I can’t remember the last one. Whichever is true it was this red light that overtook my consciousness and gave me a brief moment to reflect. I am racing ahead hoping they miss me. If they do, they might make me take stock of where I am and what I am. Sometimes it feels like we are in a race that has no end. But we know that is not true because it does ---- end… I know there is not a winner but there I was sitting at the signal with the red light telling me that I could stop for a moment. I did not have to reflect or judge myself or anyone else. I could just sit in my car quietly reflecting on how relaxed I was because the red light permitted me to stop.
Red light Green light……
Listen Up!
Everyone seems to have a neighbor story, a city, or governmental agency story. A story of wasted time and energy. These arguments are generally meaningless in the overall scheme of things. Why do we insist on standing our meaningless ground? “Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong” …For What It’s Worth…
I had dinner the other night with a couple of pals. We had a great chat covering a number of subjects but one that was all to common. We all gave advice on fixing the disagreements with building authorities or neighbors. It reminded me of the male need “to fix” things. I have been criticized often by my female companions that they did not want me to “fix” anything. They just wanted me to listen. If you just listen the argument goes away. We just want to be heard. The male DNA is to fix it even if we cannot. I am listening, I am listening but I cannot help myself. I have to try to fix it. So here we were the three of us trying to fix things.
I had a recent disagreement with two my old neighbors. The disagreement was so incredibly meaningless I will not spend the time to describe what these two old men were bitching about to me. Instead of participating or trying to “fix it” --- I just walked away. Like magic two days later, the problem went away. I listened to their nonsensical, meaningless complaint, turned and walked away ----
I think women may be on to something….
A Visit to The Bakery
I took the phone call in the parking lot of a little French bakery. We had been playing phone tag for a week after the passing of our dear friend. At one point in our friendship, we talked every day and shared most things happening in our lives. Then something happened and we stopped communicating. Our mutual friend’s passing has reversed that trend. We both felt that our dear friend had reminded us of the good fortune we both had in living part of our lives in the same beautiful place. We talked about our mutual friends and the joyous times we experienced. I miss my friends and I miss that part of my life. I don’t think I truly understood that until now. From “the other side”, our friend brought our memories to the forefront. Those memories were not to be denied or forgotten. I have one more thing I can thank him for.
Not to be cliché but life is a circle. Those experiences that come to us seem to be unique. For sure they are unique to us and how we receive them is treasured by us alone. Yet life has a certain repetitive nature and familiarity.
As I sat in the car talking to my rediscovered friend, I watched a small SUV pull into a parking space directly in front of me. I watched as the process of moving a family from one space to the next unfolded. The dad was in the passenger seat and popped out of the car to retrieve his daughter who I think is about 5/6. A great age, especially for little girls as they are more independent than their male counterparts. A foreshadowing for a lifetime of being more mature and level headed. Honestly, we need more women in leadership roles. Men have had it long enough. I mean look at the shit show they have created.
I digress…
Dad gets the little girl out of the care and opens the trunk. Now the real work begins. Mom who was driving gets out and begins to unbuckle the baby. This is not a one clip process as there is a lot of adjusting and preparing to lift the baby out of the car seat. In the meantime, dad is removing the $1000 stroller from the trunk while hanging on to the 5-year-old who is ready to go to the café. Once the stroller is assembled there is more adjusting, attaching and loading up the stroller with all sorts of paraphernalia. The mom is still struggling to get the baby from car to the stroller. Once he unfolds the stroller (mission accomplished) the father leaves the scene with the 5-year-old to “get in line”. In other words, he is free of any further assemblage necessary for the baby. For the next 10 minutes mom is loading up the stroller; just in order to join the line. She accomplishes this with one hand as the other is holding the baby. I forget just how difficult it is to get from the car to the store with infants and small children. There is no real purpose for this description other than to point out that parenting is difficult. It is rewarding for sure. However, even the simplest of tasks are challenging. It took two people 20 minutes to get from their car to the bakery to order a coffee. After that brief moment they have to get up and load it all back again. Think about that the next time you cruise by to pick up your cappuccino.
But wait, don’t forget. There is the sheer beauty of welcoming a new born into the world. My eldest son and his partner welcomed a beautiful baby boy over the weekend. It was not without complication but the end result was perfect. It is truly a miracle that we flawed humans can and do produce these flawless creatures that are so beautiful. It is the incredible continuum of life. In the same week as I said good bye to my good friend, I was celebrating and welcoming a new life. The entire process is a miracle in so many ways. It is these moments that we must strive to focus on and embrace because there are so many little problems that will become outsized in their importance. Guaranteed my son will be having a drink with his buddies and they will be talking about their lives as pack mules. Loaded up with the amazing array of “stuff” that these 8 lbs. humans require on a minute-to-minute basis. However, he will soon forget the drink and the complaints because he will never forget the journey he and his wife are embarking upon. A blessed event full of love.
The emotional adjustment we go through from sad to melancholy to the joy of welcoming a beautiful infant into the world is an amazing ride. Creating the opportunity to experience the marvelous world of parenting and the unimaginable rewards that we as parents will receive. The opportunity to smile, laugh, cry and love beyond our imagination and then…...
…then we load them into the SUV and repeat….
Accumulation
The urge to accumulate…
I was sitting in a chair that I had purchased for my home 15 years ago. I was looking at a sofa that I had purchased for an apartment in New York 20 years ago. Above the sofa was a painting my parents had purchased from a painter friend probably 50 years ago. On the sofa was a blanket my great grandmother crocheted 100 years ago and next to it is a cashmere blanket my very close friend gave to me 5 years ago. Those and so many other things I have accumulated over my lifetime.
I had a friend of mine pass on to the other side this week and another three weeks before. . I only knew David Crosby in the later years of his incredible life. The impact for me was just as powerful. The loss of our friends and relatives is mitigated by the memories we share. Yet we are not in control as to when we are required to reach for those memories to keep them close to us. David and I did not share music although I was always appreciative of his artistry. We shared a love of human interaction and good wine. Dinners at my home were always special with deep conversation fueled by good food, wine and respect. We came from such different backgrounds but our mutual empathy was the foundation of friendship. I was fortunate to know him in a different context than his very famous life. I will miss him.and our intellectual engagement.
I'm wondering if the urge to accumulate things is our subconscious way of demonstrating that we have some control over things that we love. The need to believe we have the control of when we let go. The people we love pass on in their time not ours. We have no control although we keep them in our hearts through the memories we share. Their physicality has gone but they remain in our hearts and minds. Our urge to collect, to hold onto things that we have been given or purchased is our way of exerting control over what we allow to leave our lives. We dispose of “things” at a time of our choosing. It fills that belief that we have control over such things. Our things we wish to keep and that which we wish to relinquish control over is the illusion of control over a life that in reality we have no control over.
I don't really know ——- just a thought as I reflect on my friend.
Ubuntu
You don’t learn much or expand your horizons if you don’t extend yourself. Living in your echo chamber, the only reward will be the one you received when you first entered the chamber. You will learn nothing beyond that point. Take yourself out of the box and expose yourself to learning something new.
Ubuntu
I had never heard of this word until I had coffee with a woman whom I had never met. She had reached out to me as we share a similar philosophy on the value of human communication. In other words, communication not through digital means but through analogue means. Communication in person and through voice. When she first reached out, I had a choice of ignoring the message or stepping out of my comfort zone or friendship zone and making myself available. Having made the right choice, I chose to have coffee and meet a unique woman who is a coach and lecturer on the value of human communication.
Ubuntu is an African philosophy that places the emphasis on “being self through others”. It is a form of humanism which can be expressed in the phrase : “I am because of who we all are”.
It is this philososphy which allows one to understand that we are only part of a whole and that I am because of the contributions of others. The more others I allow to enter my conscienouness the broader and more empathetic self I can become.
The next day I went for a walk with an extraordinary friend of mine. We were taking an initial hike after my knee surgery and after the torrential rains of 2023 in Marin County. The streams and water falls were spectacular as the mountains had become temporary rain forests. We tend to cover most important subjects on these walks. Most important on this one was the discussion of the silos that we have managed to put ourselves in. Either socially or politically we are all now identified with one group or another. It is hard to get out of any of these boxes and we are generally identified as being a member of a certain “tribe” or belief system. If you are socially conscious you are a “liberal” and assigned the moniker of “woke”. If you are conservative, you are a MAGA, with all attributes. One comment he made has stuck with me and appropriate to this writing. “If I cannot understand your belief system how can I possibly expect to teach you about mine. Much less convince you of my relevance.
Being vulnerable, stepping out of your norm to hear another view is the door to learning and understanding. The longer we continue to only associate with those that think like us the more entrenched our beliefs are whether they are right or wrong.
I think restaurants are hard to get into because we are all yearning for the chance to interact with people in a human way. Now if we could just open ourselves with having dinner with someone from a different “club” think what we could learn.
UBUNTU – the philosophy of being all part of humanity and if that is true then we could become more open to hearing another opinion. I don’t have to agree with you but I will be so much better if I understand you. The world will be better if we could understand that we are all part of the whole and that understanding doesn’t mean agreement but it does mean empathy and that is the key to compromise
Moving the ball down the field…
A Laugh and a Smile
Developing and exploring relationships is all about extending yourself. To be a little bit vulnerable and taking yourself out of your comfort zone, Let's set the stage.
I live in a small town just north of San Francisco. Within this town is everything you need to live day to day. There's a small hardware store that has everything you would possibly need out of a hardware store. The additional benefit, unlike the big box store, is that people work there and are willing and able to help. You just have to tell them what you need. I had a very simple job to perform. I was gluing two pieces of leather together. This small job turned out to be the high point of my day. I walked into the hardware store and there was a woman standing at the counter. “Can I help you?” she said. My name is Lorraine. I learned later that Lorraine grew up with four brothers and she was taking no prisoners. She was insistent on knowing exactly what I needed help with. I explained that I had a gluing project. She escorted me over to a section of the wall that held many different types of glue. What type of glue would you want? I said I was not sure. I just wanted to glue two pieces of leather. She Googled the question and gave me her opinion on the best product. At this point the owner of the store came over and added his two cents. She looked at me and rolled her eyes. You know this is only my second day she said. Every time I get involved in a discussion of helping a client, he comes over and wants to bully me. Well, I won't be bullied. She went on to tell me about her brothers and that she was having an argument with her landlord about a heater system that was not working. She was not about to be bullied by either man. Silly interaction you might think, but I learned a lot about this woman in five minutes of just being willing to say what I needed, ask her questions and listen. Her four brothers, the apartment heating problem, debating with the landlord about how much to lower her rent and that she was client oriented and was always willing and able to help. None of her problems could I solve but it gave me a window into this person’s life that I might have never known had I not been willing to listen and to be empathetic. I like Lorraine., she was funny and entertaining, Lorraine was willing to be honest and a little vulnerable. She was interested, but more than that she was interesting. That's how one develops a relationship have any kind. I told Lorraine I'm going to figure out something else to do it at my house so I can come back and have her solve the problem. In addition to a fun interlude, I learned a little about another human and I found a possible source for solutions to future issues because I learned that Lorraine is a problem solver. You can never have too many of those. She also gave me a laugh and a smile and you can certainly never have too many of those.
High value.
“The Times They Are A-Changin”….B.Dylan
This year looks a lot like last year. Good things and bad things happen all year long but because some happen around The Holidays we tend to remember them as more impactful. They are just as important if they occurred in August or May but we remember them because they happened during other events of importance. So we set about making resolutions for what we intend to do for the next 12 months or we hope for a better twelve months however you wish to define better. What is on display at the House of Representatives is a pretty good indication that this year will look a lot like what our elected representatives have provided for us ever since Republicans decided that governance was a thing of the past. Perhaps you like to listen to the climate deniers who believe that the recent rains in California are a true indication that global warming is a conspiratorial theory promoted by the liberal media. Maybe you think that Fox News decided to become an actual news organization rather than a propaganda machine for the MAGA right.
I just do not think this year holds any more promise for the future than last January or the one before that or the one…… It seems to me that we set our sights too high or we expect too much from the mere turning of the calendar from 2022 to 2023. I would be happier if we could lower the rhetoric and the expectation. I had coffee the other day with a friend. We sat outside and for every person that walked by he told them what a nice smile they had. If they were not smiling it made them and if they were it made the smile bigger. This simple act of human acknowledgment changed the atmosphere and I believe changed the day ahead for these people who were lucky enough to be walking by that morning. For the days ahead full of the same disappointments I would suggest that we stop thinking that a fantasy would happen to change our cumulative lives. For a better January and February and all the others I suggest you smile more —- share your smile willingly —— most important tell someone they have a beautiful smile and see where that takes you in 2023.
Nice smile!!!!
Fulfillment (first published in March worth another read) Happy New Year
We live in a forward looking culture. I am not referring to our view of the future and how we can best prepare for that future. After all, if we were that forward thinking we would have prepared for global warming. No, I am referring to our “grass is greener” forward thinking. You know, the nicer car, better house, prettier girlfriend, more handsome boyfriend, the better job —- well just about everything better is just around the bend or at the end of the rainbow.
As we watch in horror at the devastation being wreck upon the people of Ukraine, I have been more focused on fulfillment in my life. Embracing what I have accomplished but more importantly what I have right now. We can do the same introspection as a country.
Instead of looking at the things that we do not have a solution for — global warming, political division, world war etc. maybe we could focus on those things that have fulfilled us. It can be as personal and granular as the things that have fulfilled my life - children, grandchildren, career, moments of love and togetherness. These are moments that have filled our cup to overflow. But fulfillment is not just for personal recognition. We as a society should recognize and embrace the fulfillment that is ours as a country. Is it perfect? Of course not, but we as a country and culture have much to be grateful for and much that has fulfilled us. We are looking ahead to a better tomorrow or a change in political environment or the myriad of things we see as greener. Perhaps we should think about how fulfilled we are as a country and culture. Given the recognition of fulfillment just might cause us to think that cooperation and collaboration would be a better way to govern.
With gratitude…
Seriously - Get a Grip
I have spent the better part of three days texting with a non human at United Airlines over my lost luggage. I was on a direct flight from Denver to SFO after having surgery in Vail for a meniscus issue. Suffice it to say United is, in my opinion, one of the worst enterprises masking as a service organization. There is nothing redeemable about the service or the product they offer. Expensive, unhealthy and uncomfortable, except, they did the only thing that is really important— they took off and landed these massive machines safely. I waisted hour after hour talking to a non person, trying to humiliate this non person in order to persuade them to do something they had no intention of ever doing. They were never going to step out of their protocol to do something of service. After four days of this the two bags showed up at my door delivered by a gentleman that is paid minimum wage and was willing to haul these bags up the steps so that I did not have to. Incidentally there was nothing in either of these two bags that could not be replaced other than my inconvenience.
As I felt the anguish and the vitriol release from my being I became aware that I had allowed these non humans, these replaceable items and my indignant behavior to take over the precious days given to me by some higher being. It is hard to step back and actually understand where we are at any given point. It is all too easy to allow that which we have no control over to become the controlling aspect of our lives. I was arguing over six inches of ground with two grumpy old men the other day. As I was arguing over something that had no serious impact on any of our lives I turned and walked away. I separated myself from the stupidity of the discussion. I determined at that moment that I had better things to do than to give either of them the power over my precious time.
It is difficult in the moment to take control or “get a grip” at the time of disappointment with an outcome that we never had control over, yet our ego seems to believe that it has control over everything —- the epitome of arrogance. As we approach Christmas Day or what ever winter solstice celebration you enjoy it might be a good time to realize that the thing that matters is others and the many people in our lives that we are grateful for. It is, indeed, a time for thanks for all the big and little things we are blessed with everyday. To be thankful for all of those people that come in and out of our lives. Giving away our precious time to rail against the injustices of things we have no control over is wasting the time we could give to those we care about including ourselves.
I am grateful for all of you who continue to read my writing every week. I am grateful for your comments. I am honored that you would deem my musing of value and worth your time. I am going to take a couple of weeks off from writing to reflect on what I have just experienced and what I have just written. I will recharge my mind and embrace all of those people and things that have been given to me over the last year.
With gratitude,
Fredric E.
I love my job….It Takes a Village
Anne-Liz-Melissa - Diane -Dianah - Dana - Joanne -Corrine aka Corri —
I had a procedure early this morning. By most accounts, this was a common procedure, nevertheless, whenever you go under there is always risk and for the patient (that would be me) a certain amount of anxiety, even with all of the assurances. What made this experience, as it is with many experiences, a positive one was the front line professionals who set you up for the main event. It also started me thinking about jobs and how we approach our jobs. I have written about the qualities of empathy and passion and their importance. Bringing these to your job experience makes all the difference to you and to the person you are interacting with. The message you are delivering is a positive affirmation of your job choice and for the person receiving the results of your hard work and dedication. All of the text messages and internet messages cannot achieve the quality of sincere direct(analog) human contact.
This is my THANK YOU to the incredible people who assisted me during my surgery. I may not have remembered all of their names but I know that the cumulative effort of all of these team members resulted in the most positive outcome for this patient. It does, indeed, take a village. I was, of course, under the influence and thus could not remember all of the many people who participated in this extravaganza.
The names above are representative of the amazing group of people who held my hand and gave me confidence that all would be well….…And it was.
These individuals did not just perform their duties. They all brought an extraordinary level of competence to their specific roles. What made the difference was their kindness, humor, and positive energy. This was not just a job, this was a passion and it showed in every aspect of what they did throughout my experience. My hope is that the management of of the Vail Health Organization recognizes how fortunate they are to have these professionals carrying out their mission. I am so thankful that they all regard their jobs with empathy and passion. It is not just a job it is a dedication to adding value to the human experience.
With love and gratitude…
Hey, I just want to hang with all of you….maybe a few turns this spring!!!!
LOST
I flew from Denver to San Francisco on Monday evening. I was limping along through the airport due to a knee issue. My usual pace through an airport is warp speed as I have been in many. Given my slower pace I was paying more attention to my surroundings and the people moving through the airport. I was focused on those that were clearly unaccustomed to the shit show that is known as Denver international. Most notably the world of United Airlines. You know “the friendly skies”??? Wow!!! Talk about false advertising. I was particularly struck by the “deer in the headlights” look people have on their faces when confronted with the unfamiliar. The whirlwind of signs; warnings, voice announcements; lights; retail shops; noise and well just a shit show of sounds and distractions. I felt a degree of empathy as I had just been in an unfamiliar hospital full of hallways, elevators, left and right turns and directions that had been rattled off at the speed of the indemnification voice for menthol e-cigarettes. The world of the unknown is just not made for the slow consumption of information. Fortunately, I had my hospital advocate. My advice!! never go to the hospital alone. I have two sons and both times I was in a hospital they have been with me. That kind of support makes you appear to be knowledgeable. If I had ferreted through this morass alone, I would have had that very same look as the lost people of the airport. Totally confused as to whether they were departing or arriving. This lost wave does not end when you are in the plane. You are literally sardines crammed in the smallest can possible. The airlines have rewarded the tax payer bailout with fewer flights on smaller planes so they can move as many people as uncomfortably as possible. I am 6’2” and sitting rigidly in my seat there was zero clearance between my damaged knee and the seat back in front of me. I sat that way for 2.5 hours enjoying this super spreader event. No wonder the gentleman boarding in front of me could not find his seat. Poorly marked, impossible to move and being aware of people behind you— now try to find your seat. Anxiety and claustrophobia take over and your disoriented self has no sense of direction let alone enough focus to find that seat. The best example of lost was after we landed. I love this particular solution to baggage storage. The flight attendant took an older couple’s bags and put them above seat 20A and then escorted them to their seats in 16A. Now that is all well and good but what happens when the masses of cooped up, cramped people want OFF this plane. The flight attendants were nowhere to be seen but a woman took over the problem. The elderly couple could not recognize their bags in the overhead compartments with lines of identical looking bags. She asked me to hold the line while these lost souls took their time to locate their bags. It was a successful conclusion.
What does it say about us and the companies that serve us under the guise of service and the friendly skies? Planes and airports are not built for people, they are built for companies trying to squeeze every bit of efficiency out of an inefficient model. All of this leaves the unfamiliar wandering through the throngs of people looking dazed and lost. Those of us not otherwise hobbled by injury, race by the unsuspecting in a dazed cloud of confusion hoping for an advocate to point them in the right direction.
Now was that down the hall – left right left or right right left????
Homage to Daisy
Homage to Daisy
William and I enjoy cooking – It is one of the sincerest forms of love and caring for those that we are cooking for. It is an immediate show of skill with a dash of showmanship. And so, we decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner together for our family members living in the San Francisco area. Wednesday was the fun day. We shopped for the necessary ingredients and talk menu as well as procedure. Wednesday was butternut squash soup day as resting a soup for a day always makes the resultant next day serving just a little better. He and I have made this soup many times and have explored slight spice variations. It is always a crowd pleaser. Therefore, a good way to start a meal. Picked up the 20 lbs. turkey, a truly big bird and squandered a few more dollars on superfluous items to make the table more festive. We came home and made our soup and then off to cocktails and dinner. Thursday was an all-day affair but with a hard afternoon stop as guest were arriving at 4:30. French cut green beans; perfect mashed potatoes pealed, food mill, butter, heavy cream (not whole milk god forbid); herb butter for the turkey, yams, more peeling and slicing, baked stuffing and on and on the day went. Our lovely assistant (Kat) was setting tables, doing flowers and basically running around assisting us. Afterall we were the cooks and all cooks need assistants. Game time in 15 minutes and now we had to prepare ourselves for dinner – shower, shave etc., etc., Then the pressure really amps up as we have to finish all the dishes and serve. We received the appropriate accolades for our efforts. But wait!!!! Who is cleaning up this mess? The party’s over but we are still on our feet. Afterall who wants to come down the next morning to this mess.
Friday Morning
We are hammered!!! I don’t mean drinking hammered I mean physically exhausted from preparing one meal for 14 people. HAMMERED!
Homage to Daisy
Daisy why can’t you come out and play? Have lunch? Play tennis? What do you mean you are tired? You walk into her Michelin Star restaurant, Bell’s, and Greg greets you, it all looks like fun and games. I mean why can’t you come out and play the next day. Because her job in the kitchen standing over a hot stove preparing dish after perfect dish is fucking hard work. You can’t be a full-time amazing chief without keeping yourself in shape. You are on your feet 24/7, creating multiple perfect dishes for multiple imperfect people looking for something to complain about. Then, guess what, you have to do it all over again for the next five nights. It’s not like a Broadway play where you are allowed to say the same thing night after night. No no you have to be creative every night. I know I was aware of all this, but for some reason as I crawled out of bed the day after Thanksgiving, I had a whole new appreciation for what it must be like to do this night after night.
In acknowledgement and recognition to you, Daisy, for your incredible stamina and resolve to show up in your amazingly creative way every night for those of us fortunate enough to enjoy your creations. Just a little shout out of appreciation for the work you do and the physical strength it takes to do your creative best for us your humble guests.
“Excuse me but can you make this gluten free?”
PS: Don’t be sad Greg I know you work your fingers to the bone but Daisy does all of that while looking great!! Like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire (before your time —- mine too)
PAIN
October 31st, I played tennis in a fashion that suggested I was doing my best Raffa imitation, as if that was remotely possible. I showered and put on my best cowboy wear, including proper western riding boots and spurs for authenticity, so that I could walk the mean streets collecting Halloween candy in Marin County. The result was either a meniscus tear or a tendon strain.
Whatever it was I could not put weight on my right leg and proceeded to hobble around while I attempted to move into a home with multiple flights of stairs. As the pain persisted my general mood and personality deteriorated. This caused me to think about pain. We are not talking about the pain of heart ache as that is a completely different subject which we can address at a later time.
The media world has set us up for failure when it comes to dealing with pain. Watch a James Bond movie. James gets the shit kick out of him and in the next scene he is in a tux with some spectacular companion by his side. Any video game will show you images of great pain being inflicted without the obvious resulting pain. I found myself debilitated and functionally insufficient with just this small inconvenience. Think of an ear ache or an eye infection and the resultant deterioration of your normal function. Now think of people that are really hurt from war wounds, car crashes, mass shooting or illness. We hear the words and are sad to hear about someone experiencing pain. But pain, even on a small scale is overwhelming. I cannot fully understand or appreciate what it must be like to experience severe pain day in and day out. Yet there are many people in the world who experience this every day. This experience must take over their lifes in such a way that they have no life.
What about the people that inflict pain? Does someone, like Putin, live in a pretend world where he neither experiences pain nor has the intellectual or emotional ability to understand pain. Where does one put their humanity when ignoring the obvious pain they inflict either directly or by fiat?
My hope for Thanksgiving is that we all become a little more empathetic. We must put aside the fantasy and ignorance and try to appreciate the all-consuming pain that so many people experience every hour. Think of that ear ache or that tooth ache and multiply that enough times that you become addicted to what ever drug relieves that pain. It is the contradiction of how we represent pain and the reality of pain. I am thankful for a little inconvenience but hopeful that as humans we could become more understanding of pain.
Now where is my oxy???
Friendship in Motion
Friendship in Motion
The steady movement belies its ever-changing story. The ocean shows up in a different way every day and often ever hour. Good friendships can be like that, they are there in a consistent manner and yet they too are changing as they move through time. We were roommates in college. He was a gifted photographer exploring ways to better his craft and do the expected – get a degree.. We had a little too much fun filming surfers and comedy sequences for his movies. In our spare time we stapled posters of our upcoming screenings on telephone poles in Santa Barbara. Amazingly we sold out high school auditoriums. He left the university in his second year to pursue his passion. I considered it and took the idea to my father -- I received a hard no. I always thought I had missed my calling as a comedic actor but I remained in school and Greg departed to create an incredible career. After a string of successful but not recognized surfing genre movies, he produced his last surfing movie Five Summer Stories. Considered a cult classic, it featured an original music score by Honk and music contributed by The Beach Boys. Since then, Greg MacGillivray has filmed and produced over 50 films, 35 of which are in the IMAX format which has been acknowledged by many rewards.
I received an email from Greg a few weeks back inviting me to come to Laguna to experience a presentation of a remastered classic along with a live concert by the band who scored the soundtrack. The soundtrack was the first of its kind for the surf movie genre. I decided to go. Booked my fights. Greg had generously offered to have me stay in one of his apartments overlooking the ocean. By the way when I say overlooking, I mean on the ocean as in the water is washing up on your feet. Laguna has become very expensive, yet there is an unmistakable “vibe” that has remained. As an example, I bought coffee at The Laguna Coffee Company on the PCH. The woman behind the counter, although perhaps a few years older, was still the perfect blond beach girl that we all treasured and wish they would pick us. The coffee was great too!
I digress…
I settled into the apartment on that afternoon. In a few moments Greg arrived and we sat in the living room and had a terrific catch up. I immediately recognized what I liked about Greg—He is empathetic. He is one of those people who is genuinely interested in you and your life. It is during this wonderful afternoon of defining our history that I came to appreciate the steadiness of good friends. It does not really matter which path you took or what chapter you wrote, friendships are like the ocean. They are in constant motion, steadily moving in and out of our lives. Sometimes they are unpredictable and sometimes they are perfectly formed, allowing you to ride along in perfect harmony. But the overarching theme is movement. They retreat and then come forward forming the perfect wave of experience. And so, it was that on this weekend I experienced a rediscovery of California I once called home and the realization that my friendship was still there – it was just in motion….
Surf’s up ….
Finger-Pointing
Finger Pointing…...
Why is it that people cannot take responsibility for their actions? Why is it necessary to point the finger at someone else? Is culpability a foreign substance like the plague. It appears that is the case. I have written about my experience remodeling a small home in Northern California. As reported, there have been a boatload of issues with this project. As a general rule, if there is an issue the immediate explanation is not a solution but a string of reasons why it is “not my fault”…… Supply chain, weather delay, the other guy’s faulty performance or some other excuse. Whatever it is, it is not my fault. A common problem is the third party. The service provider asks a third party do part of their service or job. Then when things go wrong, they can blame the third party. I have a different view of this arrangement. If you ask someone to do part of your job, it is still your responsibility to follow up and make sure it is done correctly. Just because you asked someone else to do your dirty work does not absolve you from responsibility to the end user. General finger pointing, not only endemic in the construction business, but it is with our political leaders. There are few (none) who accept responsibility, it is always the other guy.
Here we are on election night and in all likely hood congress will be spit as a best-case scenario. We will be destined to live through two years of accusations and finger-pointing. No one will take responsibility for anything and will always, always be pointing to problems as the responsibility of the other guy regardless of the facts. I have had conversations with both sides of the argument and the first sentence out of their mouths is an accusation that the other person was the cause of it all. In the end all of this finger-pointing will end up like my construction project, no one will accept responsibility and it will be left to me to find the solution. As in our political world we will hear about how the other person is at fault. It is far safer to accuse the other side. Thus we can avoid the truly hard work of finding a solution to the problem.
Why seek solution when you can just point fingers…