“The Times They Are A-Changin”….B.Dylan
This year looks a lot like last year. Good things and bad things happen all year long but because some happen around The Holidays we tend to remember them as more impactful. They are just as important if they occurred in August or May but we remember them because they happened during other events of importance. So we set about making resolutions for what we intend to do for the next 12 months or we hope for a better twelve months however you wish to define better. What is on display at the House of Representatives is a pretty good indication that this year will look a lot like what our elected representatives have provided for us ever since Republicans decided that governance was a thing of the past. Perhaps you like to listen to the climate deniers who believe that the recent rains in California are a true indication that global warming is a conspiratorial theory promoted by the liberal media. Maybe you think that Fox News decided to become an actual news organization rather than a propaganda machine for the MAGA right.
I just do not think this year holds any more promise for the future than last January or the one before that or the one…… It seems to me that we set our sights too high or we expect too much from the mere turning of the calendar from 2022 to 2023. I would be happier if we could lower the rhetoric and the expectation. I had coffee the other day with a friend. We sat outside and for every person that walked by he told them what a nice smile they had. If they were not smiling it made them and if they were it made the smile bigger. This simple act of human acknowledgment changed the atmosphere and I believe changed the day ahead for these people who were lucky enough to be walking by that morning. For the days ahead full of the same disappointments I would suggest that we stop thinking that a fantasy would happen to change our cumulative lives. For a better January and February and all the others I suggest you smile more —- share your smile willingly —— most important tell someone they have a beautiful smile and see where that takes you in 2023.
Nice smile!!!!
Fulfillment (first published in March worth another read) Happy New Year
We live in a forward looking culture. I am not referring to our view of the future and how we can best prepare for that future. After all, if we were that forward thinking we would have prepared for global warming. No, I am referring to our “grass is greener” forward thinking. You know, the nicer car, better house, prettier girlfriend, more handsome boyfriend, the better job —- well just about everything better is just around the bend or at the end of the rainbow.
As we watch in horror at the devastation being wreck upon the people of Ukraine, I have been more focused on fulfillment in my life. Embracing what I have accomplished but more importantly what I have right now. We can do the same introspection as a country.
Instead of looking at the things that we do not have a solution for — global warming, political division, world war etc. maybe we could focus on those things that have fulfilled us. It can be as personal and granular as the things that have fulfilled my life - children, grandchildren, career, moments of love and togetherness. These are moments that have filled our cup to overflow. But fulfillment is not just for personal recognition. We as a society should recognize and embrace the fulfillment that is ours as a country. Is it perfect? Of course not, but we as a country and culture have much to be grateful for and much that has fulfilled us. We are looking ahead to a better tomorrow or a change in political environment or the myriad of things we see as greener. Perhaps we should think about how fulfilled we are as a country and culture. Given the recognition of fulfillment just might cause us to think that cooperation and collaboration would be a better way to govern.
With gratitude…
Seriously - Get a Grip
I have spent the better part of three days texting with a non human at United Airlines over my lost luggage. I was on a direct flight from Denver to SFO after having surgery in Vail for a meniscus issue. Suffice it to say United is, in my opinion, one of the worst enterprises masking as a service organization. There is nothing redeemable about the service or the product they offer. Expensive, unhealthy and uncomfortable, except, they did the only thing that is really important— they took off and landed these massive machines safely. I waisted hour after hour talking to a non person, trying to humiliate this non person in order to persuade them to do something they had no intention of ever doing. They were never going to step out of their protocol to do something of service. After four days of this the two bags showed up at my door delivered by a gentleman that is paid minimum wage and was willing to haul these bags up the steps so that I did not have to. Incidentally there was nothing in either of these two bags that could not be replaced other than my inconvenience.
As I felt the anguish and the vitriol release from my being I became aware that I had allowed these non humans, these replaceable items and my indignant behavior to take over the precious days given to me by some higher being. It is hard to step back and actually understand where we are at any given point. It is all too easy to allow that which we have no control over to become the controlling aspect of our lives. I was arguing over six inches of ground with two grumpy old men the other day. As I was arguing over something that had no serious impact on any of our lives I turned and walked away. I separated myself from the stupidity of the discussion. I determined at that moment that I had better things to do than to give either of them the power over my precious time.
It is difficult in the moment to take control or “get a grip” at the time of disappointment with an outcome that we never had control over, yet our ego seems to believe that it has control over everything —- the epitome of arrogance. As we approach Christmas Day or what ever winter solstice celebration you enjoy it might be a good time to realize that the thing that matters is others and the many people in our lives that we are grateful for. It is, indeed, a time for thanks for all the big and little things we are blessed with everyday. To be thankful for all of those people that come in and out of our lives. Giving away our precious time to rail against the injustices of things we have no control over is wasting the time we could give to those we care about including ourselves.
I am grateful for all of you who continue to read my writing every week. I am grateful for your comments. I am honored that you would deem my musing of value and worth your time. I am going to take a couple of weeks off from writing to reflect on what I have just experienced and what I have just written. I will recharge my mind and embrace all of those people and things that have been given to me over the last year.
With gratitude,
Fredric E.
I love my job….It Takes a Village
Anne-Liz-Melissa - Diane -Dianah - Dana - Joanne -Corrine aka Corri —
I had a procedure early this morning. By most accounts, this was a common procedure, nevertheless, whenever you go under there is always risk and for the patient (that would be me) a certain amount of anxiety, even with all of the assurances. What made this experience, as it is with many experiences, a positive one was the front line professionals who set you up for the main event. It also started me thinking about jobs and how we approach our jobs. I have written about the qualities of empathy and passion and their importance. Bringing these to your job experience makes all the difference to you and to the person you are interacting with. The message you are delivering is a positive affirmation of your job choice and for the person receiving the results of your hard work and dedication. All of the text messages and internet messages cannot achieve the quality of sincere direct(analog) human contact.
This is my THANK YOU to the incredible people who assisted me during my surgery. I may not have remembered all of their names but I know that the cumulative effort of all of these team members resulted in the most positive outcome for this patient. It does, indeed, take a village. I was, of course, under the influence and thus could not remember all of the many people who participated in this extravaganza.
The names above are representative of the amazing group of people who held my hand and gave me confidence that all would be well….…And it was.
These individuals did not just perform their duties. They all brought an extraordinary level of competence to their specific roles. What made the difference was their kindness, humor, and positive energy. This was not just a job, this was a passion and it showed in every aspect of what they did throughout my experience. My hope is that the management of of the Vail Health Organization recognizes how fortunate they are to have these professionals carrying out their mission. I am so thankful that they all regard their jobs with empathy and passion. It is not just a job it is a dedication to adding value to the human experience.
With love and gratitude…
Hey, I just want to hang with all of you….maybe a few turns this spring!!!!
LOST
I flew from Denver to San Francisco on Monday evening. I was limping along through the airport due to a knee issue. My usual pace through an airport is warp speed as I have been in many. Given my slower pace I was paying more attention to my surroundings and the people moving through the airport. I was focused on those that were clearly unaccustomed to the shit show that is known as Denver international. Most notably the world of United Airlines. You know “the friendly skies”??? Wow!!! Talk about false advertising. I was particularly struck by the “deer in the headlights” look people have on their faces when confronted with the unfamiliar. The whirlwind of signs; warnings, voice announcements; lights; retail shops; noise and well just a shit show of sounds and distractions. I felt a degree of empathy as I had just been in an unfamiliar hospital full of hallways, elevators, left and right turns and directions that had been rattled off at the speed of the indemnification voice for menthol e-cigarettes. The world of the unknown is just not made for the slow consumption of information. Fortunately, I had my hospital advocate. My advice!! never go to the hospital alone. I have two sons and both times I was in a hospital they have been with me. That kind of support makes you appear to be knowledgeable. If I had ferreted through this morass alone, I would have had that very same look as the lost people of the airport. Totally confused as to whether they were departing or arriving. This lost wave does not end when you are in the plane. You are literally sardines crammed in the smallest can possible. The airlines have rewarded the tax payer bailout with fewer flights on smaller planes so they can move as many people as uncomfortably as possible. I am 6’2” and sitting rigidly in my seat there was zero clearance between my damaged knee and the seat back in front of me. I sat that way for 2.5 hours enjoying this super spreader event. No wonder the gentleman boarding in front of me could not find his seat. Poorly marked, impossible to move and being aware of people behind you— now try to find your seat. Anxiety and claustrophobia take over and your disoriented self has no sense of direction let alone enough focus to find that seat. The best example of lost was after we landed. I love this particular solution to baggage storage. The flight attendant took an older couple’s bags and put them above seat 20A and then escorted them to their seats in 16A. Now that is all well and good but what happens when the masses of cooped up, cramped people want OFF this plane. The flight attendants were nowhere to be seen but a woman took over the problem. The elderly couple could not recognize their bags in the overhead compartments with lines of identical looking bags. She asked me to hold the line while these lost souls took their time to locate their bags. It was a successful conclusion.
What does it say about us and the companies that serve us under the guise of service and the friendly skies? Planes and airports are not built for people, they are built for companies trying to squeeze every bit of efficiency out of an inefficient model. All of this leaves the unfamiliar wandering through the throngs of people looking dazed and lost. Those of us not otherwise hobbled by injury, race by the unsuspecting in a dazed cloud of confusion hoping for an advocate to point them in the right direction.
Now was that down the hall – left right left or right right left????
Homage to Daisy
Homage to Daisy
William and I enjoy cooking – It is one of the sincerest forms of love and caring for those that we are cooking for. It is an immediate show of skill with a dash of showmanship. And so, we decided to cook Thanksgiving dinner together for our family members living in the San Francisco area. Wednesday was the fun day. We shopped for the necessary ingredients and talk menu as well as procedure. Wednesday was butternut squash soup day as resting a soup for a day always makes the resultant next day serving just a little better. He and I have made this soup many times and have explored slight spice variations. It is always a crowd pleaser. Therefore, a good way to start a meal. Picked up the 20 lbs. turkey, a truly big bird and squandered a few more dollars on superfluous items to make the table more festive. We came home and made our soup and then off to cocktails and dinner. Thursday was an all-day affair but with a hard afternoon stop as guest were arriving at 4:30. French cut green beans; perfect mashed potatoes pealed, food mill, butter, heavy cream (not whole milk god forbid); herb butter for the turkey, yams, more peeling and slicing, baked stuffing and on and on the day went. Our lovely assistant (Kat) was setting tables, doing flowers and basically running around assisting us. Afterall we were the cooks and all cooks need assistants. Game time in 15 minutes and now we had to prepare ourselves for dinner – shower, shave etc., etc., Then the pressure really amps up as we have to finish all the dishes and serve. We received the appropriate accolades for our efforts. But wait!!!! Who is cleaning up this mess? The party’s over but we are still on our feet. Afterall who wants to come down the next morning to this mess.
Friday Morning
We are hammered!!! I don’t mean drinking hammered I mean physically exhausted from preparing one meal for 14 people. HAMMERED!
Homage to Daisy
Daisy why can’t you come out and play? Have lunch? Play tennis? What do you mean you are tired? You walk into her Michelin Star restaurant, Bell’s, and Greg greets you, it all looks like fun and games. I mean why can’t you come out and play the next day. Because her job in the kitchen standing over a hot stove preparing dish after perfect dish is fucking hard work. You can’t be a full-time amazing chief without keeping yourself in shape. You are on your feet 24/7, creating multiple perfect dishes for multiple imperfect people looking for something to complain about. Then, guess what, you have to do it all over again for the next five nights. It’s not like a Broadway play where you are allowed to say the same thing night after night. No no you have to be creative every night. I know I was aware of all this, but for some reason as I crawled out of bed the day after Thanksgiving, I had a whole new appreciation for what it must be like to do this night after night.
In acknowledgement and recognition to you, Daisy, for your incredible stamina and resolve to show up in your amazingly creative way every night for those of us fortunate enough to enjoy your creations. Just a little shout out of appreciation for the work you do and the physical strength it takes to do your creative best for us your humble guests.
“Excuse me but can you make this gluten free?”
PS: Don’t be sad Greg I know you work your fingers to the bone but Daisy does all of that while looking great!! Like Ginger Rogers and Fred Astaire (before your time —- mine too)
PAIN
October 31st, I played tennis in a fashion that suggested I was doing my best Raffa imitation, as if that was remotely possible. I showered and put on my best cowboy wear, including proper western riding boots and spurs for authenticity, so that I could walk the mean streets collecting Halloween candy in Marin County. The result was either a meniscus tear or a tendon strain.
Whatever it was I could not put weight on my right leg and proceeded to hobble around while I attempted to move into a home with multiple flights of stairs. As the pain persisted my general mood and personality deteriorated. This caused me to think about pain. We are not talking about the pain of heart ache as that is a completely different subject which we can address at a later time.
The media world has set us up for failure when it comes to dealing with pain. Watch a James Bond movie. James gets the shit kick out of him and in the next scene he is in a tux with some spectacular companion by his side. Any video game will show you images of great pain being inflicted without the obvious resulting pain. I found myself debilitated and functionally insufficient with just this small inconvenience. Think of an ear ache or an eye infection and the resultant deterioration of your normal function. Now think of people that are really hurt from war wounds, car crashes, mass shooting or illness. We hear the words and are sad to hear about someone experiencing pain. But pain, even on a small scale is overwhelming. I cannot fully understand or appreciate what it must be like to experience severe pain day in and day out. Yet there are many people in the world who experience this every day. This experience must take over their lifes in such a way that they have no life.
What about the people that inflict pain? Does someone, like Putin, live in a pretend world where he neither experiences pain nor has the intellectual or emotional ability to understand pain. Where does one put their humanity when ignoring the obvious pain they inflict either directly or by fiat?
My hope for Thanksgiving is that we all become a little more empathetic. We must put aside the fantasy and ignorance and try to appreciate the all-consuming pain that so many people experience every hour. Think of that ear ache or that tooth ache and multiply that enough times that you become addicted to what ever drug relieves that pain. It is the contradiction of how we represent pain and the reality of pain. I am thankful for a little inconvenience but hopeful that as humans we could become more understanding of pain.
Now where is my oxy???
Friendship in Motion
Friendship in Motion
The steady movement belies its ever-changing story. The ocean shows up in a different way every day and often ever hour. Good friendships can be like that, they are there in a consistent manner and yet they too are changing as they move through time. We were roommates in college. He was a gifted photographer exploring ways to better his craft and do the expected – get a degree.. We had a little too much fun filming surfers and comedy sequences for his movies. In our spare time we stapled posters of our upcoming screenings on telephone poles in Santa Barbara. Amazingly we sold out high school auditoriums. He left the university in his second year to pursue his passion. I considered it and took the idea to my father -- I received a hard no. I always thought I had missed my calling as a comedic actor but I remained in school and Greg departed to create an incredible career. After a string of successful but not recognized surfing genre movies, he produced his last surfing movie Five Summer Stories. Considered a cult classic, it featured an original music score by Honk and music contributed by The Beach Boys. Since then, Greg MacGillivray has filmed and produced over 50 films, 35 of which are in the IMAX format which has been acknowledged by many rewards.
I received an email from Greg a few weeks back inviting me to come to Laguna to experience a presentation of a remastered classic along with a live concert by the band who scored the soundtrack. The soundtrack was the first of its kind for the surf movie genre. I decided to go. Booked my fights. Greg had generously offered to have me stay in one of his apartments overlooking the ocean. By the way when I say overlooking, I mean on the ocean as in the water is washing up on your feet. Laguna has become very expensive, yet there is an unmistakable “vibe” that has remained. As an example, I bought coffee at The Laguna Coffee Company on the PCH. The woman behind the counter, although perhaps a few years older, was still the perfect blond beach girl that we all treasured and wish they would pick us. The coffee was great too!
I digress…
I settled into the apartment on that afternoon. In a few moments Greg arrived and we sat in the living room and had a terrific catch up. I immediately recognized what I liked about Greg—He is empathetic. He is one of those people who is genuinely interested in you and your life. It is during this wonderful afternoon of defining our history that I came to appreciate the steadiness of good friends. It does not really matter which path you took or what chapter you wrote, friendships are like the ocean. They are in constant motion, steadily moving in and out of our lives. Sometimes they are unpredictable and sometimes they are perfectly formed, allowing you to ride along in perfect harmony. But the overarching theme is movement. They retreat and then come forward forming the perfect wave of experience. And so, it was that on this weekend I experienced a rediscovery of California I once called home and the realization that my friendship was still there – it was just in motion….
Surf’s up ….
Finger-Pointing
Finger Pointing…...
Why is it that people cannot take responsibility for their actions? Why is it necessary to point the finger at someone else? Is culpability a foreign substance like the plague. It appears that is the case. I have written about my experience remodeling a small home in Northern California. As reported, there have been a boatload of issues with this project. As a general rule, if there is an issue the immediate explanation is not a solution but a string of reasons why it is “not my fault”…… Supply chain, weather delay, the other guy’s faulty performance or some other excuse. Whatever it is, it is not my fault. A common problem is the third party. The service provider asks a third party do part of their service or job. Then when things go wrong, they can blame the third party. I have a different view of this arrangement. If you ask someone to do part of your job, it is still your responsibility to follow up and make sure it is done correctly. Just because you asked someone else to do your dirty work does not absolve you from responsibility to the end user. General finger pointing, not only endemic in the construction business, but it is with our political leaders. There are few (none) who accept responsibility, it is always the other guy.
Here we are on election night and in all likely hood congress will be spit as a best-case scenario. We will be destined to live through two years of accusations and finger-pointing. No one will take responsibility for anything and will always, always be pointing to problems as the responsibility of the other guy regardless of the facts. I have had conversations with both sides of the argument and the first sentence out of their mouths is an accusation that the other person was the cause of it all. In the end all of this finger-pointing will end up like my construction project, no one will accept responsibility and it will be left to me to find the solution. As in our political world we will hear about how the other person is at fault. It is far safer to accuse the other side. Thus we can avoid the truly hard work of finding a solution to the problem.
Why seek solution when you can just point fingers…
Dedication
I was going to take a week off in recognition of the Global Holiday Halloween but then a few things happened that I should recognize….
DEDICATION
“The quality of being dedicated or committed to a task or purpose….”
If you describe a person as dedicated you mean they are devoted to a particular purpose. Dedicated means a little more than committed. Committed is clearly showing up consistently but dedicated is a whole body experience.
Coaching:
I went to Los Angeles over the weekend to see my son coach his Denver University Hockey Team. They were playing UCLA on their home ice. Spoiler alert : they won 4-0. It was not the winning that struck me as important, it was the dedication that he brings to this activity. He has other things on his plate – wife – home – job -- all of which require attention and commitment. However, what I continue to be amazed by is his dedication to his players, assistant coaches and to the game. For him it is a whole-body experience that brings his laser focus. In many ways it is all consuming. During the game he displays his skills as a caring figure who is teaching, rewarding, disciplining, encouraging and supporting. He is willing his players to bring their best selves to this game and thus the reward is for the whole. As I watched the game, being present before and after the contest; I began to understand just how much of himself he brings to this experience. In large part the team’s success is the result of his dedication to the whole.
Writing, directing, acting, producing:
At the same time, 5,896 miles away and an 8-hour time difference, my daughter was screening her film short at a festival in Geneva, Switzerland. She, too, has brought a dedication to her life’s work. She is dedicated to the craft of visual art through acting, writing and directing. All aspects of this craft are her focus and dedication. It is daunting work. You are judged in every way possible. The words you write, speak and the stage upon which they are performed are under the critical eyes and ears of audience and critics. Her dedication to her craft has brought her short film to the attention of several international film festivals. This cannot be accomplished solely through the physical aspect of writing, acting and directing. It can only be accomplished through every moment dedication to the whole.
Restaurant entertainment:
Finally, I drove to the Santa Ynez Valley to visit my friends Greg and Daisy. I was to have lunch with Greg and then drop by to say hello to Daisy as dinner service was beginning at their Michelin Star Restaurant. As much as they might have liked to sit down with me, it was their dedication to their craft that came first. There is a proper way to run a restaurant and to be “of service” to your patrons. These two entrepreneurs exemplify the proper way to make every person feel that Daisy and Greg opened their restaurant just for them. There were services to perform and things to organize and you cannot shortcut any of them unless you are “ok” with cheating your patrons of the experience they had come to expect. Simply put, they are dedicated to their craft…
After all of that they still had time for me!!
Witnessing these events, worlds apart, I thought what is it in a person that drives one to dedicate one’s whole being to a purpose or a craft? At this writing I am not sure I have a snappy answer. What I do know is that I stand is awe of these people who are experiencing the feeling and rewards of dedicating themselves to “ being dedicated to a task or purpose”
There were no trophies, money or rewards for this effort. There is only the satisfaction of achievement to one’s dedicated purpose…...
THE SEAT OF POWER
I was invited to dinner a few nights ago. The invitation was for Kokkari Estiatorio, a beloved institution in San Francisco since 1998. The food is excellent but it is the front room with its massive fireplace that makes the experience special. In my opinion Michael Mina’s Greek inspired offering on California Street comes in a distant second. I was seated at a terrific table with a perfect view of The Seat of Power! This host is fabulous. She is warm and welcoming but she is in charge. I watched as she performed her duties and dispensed with the people who did not measure up or did not have a reservation. After all of these years this is still a tough reservation to obtain.
THE REGULAR
The patron approaches the “Seat” with confidence but not too confident. Overconfidence may put them in a less desirable table for not being deferential enough to the “Seat”. There are pleasantries of course, after all coming to your regular restaurant is like coming home. It is a confidence builder when the Seat of Power acknowledges you and seats you in the right place.
The Rookie
Now the rookie probably has a reservation which he or she made weeks ago. If it is a business dinner, they are just hoping it all goes well and that the reservation is acknowledged. If it is a romantic evening, the rookie is nervously wishing for a table away from the water station. Now the “Seat” recognizes the reservation but the rookie will have to wait in purgatory for a little while. They cannot be seated right away after all that courtesy is for the regular and you must differentiate. The rookie will have to stand along the wall for ten minute before being seated.
The Dreamer
C’mon man!! This guy walks in with a date and without a reservation. You can see his face immediately — the wide eyed, plaintive look says it all. I am out of place and I have no reservation. The Seat has no sympathy. There are two ways to go. We only take reservations so you have to go away or we can seat you in two hours and, no, you cannot sit at the bar. On this particular evening The Dreamer took the two hour option and when he came back there still was no room at the inn.
The Seat of Power for this particular evening dispatched her duties flawlessly. No one got by her without her approval. Those that come early, late or without reservation were dismissed. Hopefully they will learn their lesson and will always approach the Seat of Power with deference and respect and above all……
A reservation…
Dedicated to Greg —- you know you are The Seat of Power
It’s Not All About You!
I was at a dinner the other night and noticed a behavior which is all too common.. My dinner companion spent the majority of the evening telling me about all the things she had accomplished, who she knew, and how my experiences were just a little less important. As I drove home, I was hard pressed to remember what questions, if any, I was asked. There is nothing wrong about this person perfectly nice and outwardly kind. Maybe it was unconscious behavior, but the desire to prove relevancy was definitely present.
In any new circumstance it is hard to rein in your need to establish yourself as relevant. It appears to be a need to control, mitigate the risk of exposing yourself. You can do this by recanting all of your life accomplishments; indicate your importance by the famous people you have been with or making sure that your conversation companion knows that his or her story is good but doesn’t quite measure up.
Relationships start with motivation. You might be motivated by your desire to establish a business relationship or it could be your seeking a romantic involvement. Regardless of your motivation, the next step is to establish a connection. This could be a phone call , an in-person meeting or sharing a meal. Your best chance for success in establishing a connection will be your level of empathy. Demonstrating that you have accomplished much or know many people will not help you discover what the other person needs. . It will establish you as relevant in your world but it doesn’t connect you to the person across from you. Empathy on the other hand allows you to focus on the person you are motivated to know. It helps you to find out what their values are and what they desire. Your ability to be empathetic allows you to demonstrate that you care to know. You care to know about them rather than impressing them with all of your achievements. Your next step is to listen. You will not learn anything if you are doing all the talking. You already know what you have achieved so you are not learning anything new. However, if you ask question and listen you will learn a lot about the person you are engaging . You may learn that it is not a connection you wish to pursue or you may find that you have much in common and many things from which you can build a successful relationship. We already know how famous and successful you are …let's find out if the other person is equally accomplished or is someone that does not measure up to your standards or is just not interesting. Peeling back the layers of another person is the fun part of relationship discovery. But that can’t happen if you are performing a review of your life. Having the motivation is one thing but you must step back from your need to glow and let the other person shine --- you will be surprised at what you learn.
…….take a back seat for a minute
I’m Scared
I was listening to All things Considered on NPR. They were interviewing the director of Netflix’s “The Midnight Club” adapted from a novel by Christopher Pike. Set at a home for terminally ill teenagers, it is about teenagers having to reconcile with terminal diseases and with death. The discussion that ensued was the director explaining that this movie was about life not death as the death part for the people in the movie had already been determined. He went on to discuss the fascination with horror movies is actually a fascination with death. The idea of being scared to death for this movie was unnecessary as in one sense it had already happened. It was concluded , as these kids had terminal illnesses. The movie from the director’s standpoint was an examination of death and how we deal with it. So simply explained and now I know why I don’t like horror movies
– I am sure I am not the only one but I am definitely in the camp of struggling to deal with what is the inescapable reality of the limited life we have on earth. When the Alfred Hitchcock movie “Psycho” came out in 1960 my sister had been allowed to go. It was a few summers later and it was still a frightening movie I was allowed to see the movie. I would not go, however, until she had told me the story. What fun is that you might say. I have no problem knowing the plot of the movie. I even knew when the famous shower scene was coming and I still was scared.
Halloween is fast approaching. All manner of media is going to talk about scary stuff. New horror movies will be coming out and I will avoid them. I was scared to see Jordon Peel’s “Get Out’. Thank goodness my girlfriend held my hand.
Halloween was never my favorite holiday when the kids were growing up, I volunteered to stay in the house and pass out candy. I didn't really want the job of dressing up as a monster. I can't even remember what I might've been for Halloween when I was trick-or-treating. This year I have made a modest acknowledgment of Halloween. I had a pedicure the other day and as a nod to Halloween I had them paint one big toe black and the other big toe orange... The best thing about that idea? They will stay hidden away from view. Just like my fear of death and scary movies – hidden away.
Trick or Treat!!!!!
What I Saw this Week….
Story I
I turned right onto a two-lane road that is one of two roads that brings people in and out of Mill Valley. I noticed immediately that a young woman had stopped in her lane and was running to assist an older woman who had tripped and fallen off the curbed sidewalk. Without regard for the cars behind her or her safety and inconvenience, she had stopped and jumped out of her car to help this older woman to her feet. I was now looking for a place to park so I could assist. The second thing I noticed was a woman two cars back from the scene of the fallen woman. She was perturbed that something was holding up traffic. She was now delayed for some important thing... Aside from noticing the insensitive reaction of this woman another thought crossed my mind…. What is the character trait that causes an individual to take a risk for the potential benefit of someone else? What makes a person willing to give of themselves to help others? The more common reaction was the woman two cars back --- inconvenienced and uncaring. Caring is often acknowledged but in a way that underscores how unique it is. We expect and are not surprised at the behavior of the woman two cars back – angry and self-important, upset that the world had bothered to delay her from her pedicure.
Story II
I was in a little French restaurant having lunch. I went to the bathroom before ordering. In the stall, I heard a father and child. The father was helping his probably 5- or 6-year-old navigate the intricacies of going number two in a public restroom. I remember this with my children. Some people might find this an unpleasant part of the growing up process. I found those moments to be rather fun even entertaining. Just as I had done, this father was having a really interesting conversation with his little boy. They were talking about their schedule and sports. The father was giving patient instructions on the methodology of going to the bathroom, what was necessary to do, what paper to use, and how best not to fall in. it was quite humorous. I remember those times of the very early stages of a five-year-old becoming an adult. Just the idea of performing this ordinary function providing the platform for a humorous interaction between father and son is so precious. These are not the big moments we celebrate, no, these are the truly special moments that should always be celebrated because they are fleeting and can escape our attention.
Story III
I took myself to dinner at Valette, a recommendation by my good friend Greg Ryan. He and Daisy own the fabulous restaurant Bell’s of which I have written. At my table, an older man approaches, he is somewhat unsteady with a glass of red wine held at an angle between his midsection and waistline as if it is supporting both. I am unsure who he is as my table is outside seating along a sidewalk. I thought he could be just wandering by. But he is not just any guy, he is the owner, Bob proceeds to tell me that his grandfather started the restaurant and now his four children run it along with another restaurant nearby. As I was alone, he spent a good deal of time telling me his story. What made this so pleasurable was the knowledge that he was still working., moving from table to table making sure all of his guests were taken care of. He was not sitting at home; he was out in the field doing what he likes best. He was proud of his restaurant, proud of his children and I was proud of him for keeping the candle lite and burning bright
Story IV
I Live in a small apartment on Main St. When I walk out to get my morning coffee, I am on the street immediately. 7:30 am the garbage is being picked up from the two restaurants next door to this entrance from living quarters to the world. Garbage collection is a hard job and the people that do this job are often treated at arm’s length for whatever judgmental reason one might have. However, for me, this is a special moment of the day because the gentleman performing this job is an amazing breath of fresh air. He is the perfect guy to welcome you to the day. He and I fist bump and chat it up. Our conversation is loud and friendly. We are genuinely glad to see each other and welcome the fact that the bridge that might divide us does not exist. Today, was special as he had his son with him. Introduction all around and more lively, fun chatter. His son walks into the coffee shop with me to buy two sandwiches for him and his father. May I ?, I asked. No no, I have this he said. It would be my honor – your money is no good here I said with a smile. He laughed and let me buy the sandwich. It’s nice to have friends with that you can do little things….
One week…... I was paying attention……
Missing
I woke up missing this morning.…. Missing the experience I had a month ago. Missing the experience I had a year ago and two years ago. I miss your voice. I miss my father’s voice and his advice. I miss living in another place. I miss seeing you…...
Maybe it is just me or it is just being human. We are constantly reflecting in reverse. How often have you heard that we miss the ‘90’s. Will Ferrell did an SNL skit with his impression of George W. Bush. The opening line was how we must miss him in comparison to the liar-in-chief – the Trumpeter. He goes on to remind us that he was really bad.
This post is less about missing any one thing or person and more an attempt to re-define missing. As less of an emotional crisis and more of an opportunity to learn from our past rather than miss it. Examining what we might have done better rather than assuming it was perfect. The common approach is to feel sorry for oneself that you missed an opportunity or a person. I believe the emotion of missing is calling on you to assess what you could do to improve your present experience.
Missing is another form of regret and an appeal to be given the impossible opportunity of another chance – a “do over” . Missing something is another form of not accomplishing what we desire now. The “Monday morning quarterback” as it were.
My hope is that the exercise of missing is metaphorically like reviewing lecture notes in preparation for an exam. I would like to think that my experience of missing is paying attention to both my mistakes and my accomplishments. Combined they might help me make my present and future better. I am attempting to view my past not as a missed opportunity but as something I can learn from.
I miss your voice. Voices are very important. I feel a sensitivity to your inflection and your tone. I love the sound of your voice but am I listening to the words you say? Was I listening carefully enough? Rather than focusing on missing, a better exercise would be to focus on what can be learned. Thus, providing a platform for listening and being present.
Emotionally I am confused between missing and learning. Perhaps you have the same conflict. For me I am trying to pay attention to the learning that can be offered. I am paying attention to the why I am missing. I am acknowledging the benefit of those experiences and applying them to enhance the experience of the present.
Still….….I miss you!
The Wedding
A tropical setting, beautiful beaches, vegetation everywhere with warm humid air---the perfect place if you are wearing loose, flowing garments or no clothing – warmth and humidity are your welcome friend…but if you are dressed as if you just walked off the pages of Vogue and your escort is in a dark blue Brioni suit and a $300.00 Kiton tie, heat and humidity are not welcome. This is especially true if the event is in an ancient building that feels more like a sauna than a church. Most in attendance were seemingly oblivious to the weather even though his shirt looked like someone had douse him with water.
The bride was beautiful , the venue was a beautiful 12th century church. It was a fortress like structure with elaborate Byzantine mosaics in the small city Cefalù, Sicily. It was a fairytale event with the bride and groom fitting the part of prince and princess. The attendees brought their “A” game with beautiful dresses accompanied by dark clad gentlemen playing the backdrop role. As much as they might ignore the weather, the combination of being fully dressed in a sauna, like this 12th century edifice; well, it did take just a little bit of the excitement away. We feverishly waved our gifted fans waiting for the bride to make her entrance. She and the dress were stunning and the groom looked appropriately dashing. There is that added bit of something special when the event is a seriously religious ceremony. It puts the marriage in a different category, and under scores that we have no control over the weather or the circumstances, that belongs to a higher power whatever that might be for you. Releasing our need to have control, all of us were present for this couple. As if it was an award for being patient, we exited the cathedral to be greeted by a splendid late afternoon with a slight breeze and a balmy evening to enjoy. We celebrated this couple until the wee hours as they begin their journey as a married couple. I was honored to be invited and to be present.
I might have been the only American in attendance. Like a wedding I attended in Sardinia several years ago this was a truly international event with everyone able to speak multiple languages. I was modestly proud of myself for taking the time to study Italian. Although hardly fluent, I knew enough to understand what was being said and could respond. It was a reward for my studies that it allowed me to feel part of the event on a deeper level
My other observation on this day was to notice the people in the Cathedral who were not part of the invited guests.
This cathedral had been transformed with flowers on every pew. All the attendees, as mentioned, had come dressed in their finest wedding attire. But on the outskirts of the ceremony and around the fringe of this giant building were people in T-shirts and shorts. On vacation or locals of Cefalú, they felt comfortable enough to ring the outside of the assembled group and to observe. I don't know what brings people to want to participate in this voyeuristic process. They might catch a glimpse of celebrity but in reality, this group of t-shirt glad observers were the celebrity. Perhaps they were wishing they could be part or maybe it was just curiosity to observe the group that had assembled dressed so elegantly to celebrate this matrimonial. I was curious if they felt less important. Was their touring not measuring up to this other group which they were observing? Perhaps hopes of attending such an event in the future or just fantasizing about being involved. Did they feel intrusive as they clearly weren't invited? They had to feel as an outsider and yet they chose to take it upon themselves to stand and watch. I don't have a judgment but I am just curious as to what drives people to observe others. Do they think they do not deserve to be watched or their life is unimportant? .
I enjoyed my time, I was honored to be invited. I was happy to be amongst this well-turned-out group celebrating their friends. The next day I left for Palermo. I spent that day on my own yet I was in travel preparation mode. I was full of anxiety, having missed 12 days of home. Convinced that it was not done property or in a timely fashion. As much as we travel, we are anxious about what happened while we were gone
Within a minute of our return, it was like we never left
Buon viaggio
The Tour
I am sad this morning, perhaps melancholy is more accurate. It is transition that brings about this feeling of loss. I am reviewing the last few days of events and perhaps missed opportunity as one might review life's missed opportunities.
I have just concluded a travel tour with a group of people I did not know, save two **(more on that later). It was a group of 10 couples all of whom had been together as partners for somewhere between 30-40 years!! Being in a relationship with a partner that long is an achievement I could not approach even on a cumulative basis. As my dear friend said i don't think Fred has ever spent this much time with people within a decade of his age . Now we know that's not true after all I did go to grammar school . I digress.
This tour was my first such travel experience. There were many things about the tour of the Provence region of France which were not perfect but I think we would sell the trip and us short if that is what one were to focus on. It is just too easy to find the negative in our circumstance. The positive argument is somehow always the most difficult position in the debate. At its highest value this tour was the opportunity to meet people whose life experience was different than yours. Thus it challenged us all to be open to relate our personal journey with others. Relationships take time to develop and in this moment one could see relationships go from polite introduction to sincere curiosity. After all we shared this moment together and thus we were not only observers but creators of a mutual experience. Now it is complete, bringing into stark reality that there is in all things a beginning and an end and thus this wave of melancholy.
However we will be rescued from the abyss as we reflect, in the days ahead, of the risk we took to travel with others -- to put ourselves into an unfamiliar place and we will smile at the positive experience we shared together.
**(More on that later)
Daisy and Greg invited me to go on this trip. I had another vision but my travel companion lost her way and thus I lost mine. I have had some decision making challenges recently but my decision to be their "plus 1 " was not one of them. Traveling together is not for the faint of heart, but I looked forward to everyday with my friends. Together, we were good travellers. No hard rules, flexible, humor and a willingness to take risk. Willing to expose our weaknesses and our hopes. Those conversations can be risky but as trust develops it all becomes seamless. We were friends but now we are really friends. My hope is that we won't let our lives get in the way of more adventures. For me this trip will mark the beginning of a beautifully deepen friendship.
As I reflect on all that has transpired over the last week, I am grateful that I have been given this opportunity. Yet as I transition to another destination, I am feeling that tinge of melancholy.
Un abbraccio fortissimo i miei amichi..
"Don't cry because it's over, be happy because it happened." .... Dr Seuss
Frankly, I'm more comfortable with----
"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to"...Lesley Gore
The Man Servant (on Hulu)
The Man Servant….
When the not so Supreme Court overturned a woman’s right to make decisions over her health, her body, and the health of her baby; it set me to think about all the ways man has tried to control or subvert “the weaker sex”. It seems to me that women are far more suited to survive in the world without men than the other way around. I am perplexed as to why the show “The Man Servant Tale” or the “Stepford Husbands” has not been produced. Maybe it has been produced or at least thought of, but not to my knowledge. Patriarchy rules the process that creates what we watch and what we read. There is overwhelming evidence that males control females in most domains of social life. Is this perpetuated because men overwhelmingly occupy positions of power and therefore, make the rules? If I am making the rules in a tribal society, which seems the evident definition of our current society, then women will be kept down to protect the patriarchy.
Yet the conflict, as I see it, is further evident in day-to-day life. Women generally run the domestic agenda and more recently also work outside the home. Women are far more functional alone than men are when left on their own. They gain further support from a well curated system with other female friends. Men, on the other hand, cannot seem to survive without help. Certainly not a universal truth, but seriously, think about all of your male friends who are challenged if they need to cook, clean, or otherwise survive on their own. .
I am thinking back to the beginning of time when women ran the societal structure and sent the men out to hunt. A single-minded task that the men were proficient at and if not, then the dinosaur eats them eliminating the woman’s need to waste a good meal on someone who was not contributing to society...
In her 1993 confirmation hearing to join the Supreme Court, Ruth Bader Ginsburg explained to the Senate Judiciary Committee: “The decision whether or not to bear a child is central to a woman’s life, to her well-being and dignity. It is a decision she must make for herself. When Government controls that decision for her, she is being treated as less than a fully adult human responsible for her own choices.”
In short, she is being treated differently—and less than—a man.
Damn, I need my shirt ironed and I’m hungry…..”Honey!!!!??”
Get Over Yourself
Honestly – Get Over Yourself…
My city is not getting destroyed by artillery fire ---- I don’t have to worry about where my next meal is coming from ----- I am not saddled with student debt ---- the women in my life have appropriate health care and can make their own decisions as to what will be done with their bodies ---- I can live anywhere I want... which is an appropriate segue for this week’s topic.
I have a house on which I am working. It is taking what I have come to believe is an extraordinary amount of time. There are many reasons for the delays. The fact that people are working hard and making their best efforts on my behalf is NOT the problem. They are doing everything possible to help me live more comfortably than the majority of humans on this planet. However, yesterday I received news that the project had another delay and would be another three months to completion. My reaction was out of scale to the issue. Yes, it is inconvenient but no, it is not life threatening . Honestly, I need to get over myself. Maybe those of us who are fortunate need to take stock of how how good fortune arrived at our doorstep. The largess that has come our way is not because we are better people it is only that we are more fortunate.
I am told by my many spiritual and religious advisors that “self – forgiveness” is a positive step to moving beyond the wrongs that we have committed. I guess this blog is a little self-forgiveness but more importantly it is an acknowledgment that we all should take stock of where we are in life and the good fortune that has been bestowed upon us. Maybe “getting over ourselves” is a little reminder that many of the believed egregious problems we become angry over are the result of our good fortune. Taking our inconveniences out on others is a cowardly approach to dealing with problems. Much of life offers us great pleasure which we might choose to ignore over the anger we so easily display at the unimportant. We would be better off giving that energy to help others solve real problems.
So, as I write as an apology and as a little self-forgiveness, I am making a sincere effort to …
Get Over Myself…
August 18th
This blog is essentially observations of life through my lens. By definition, it is personal but not so personal as to expose things that occurred in one’s lifetime that were embarrassing or hurtful; as if writing about them would heal the wounds. The genesis for this blog occurred while I was packing up 15 years after selling my treasured ranch. I was looking for a letter my father had written while I was in college. I was reminded of this letter as my thoughts turned to the memory of my father on the occasion of his birthday – August 18th. He was by every measure a brilliant and accomplished individual. One of the things he did particularly well was writting letters. He didn't write using electronics or a computer. He wrote letters with a fountain pen and paper. The letter in question was sent to me during my first year at UC Santa Barbara. Unlike my brilliant sisters, both of whom attended Stanford University, I attend UC Santa Barbara which was at the time more noted as a party school versus the well-respected academic institution of today. After my first semester, shockingly, I found myself on academic probation. My father wrote one of the best letters I have ever received, explaining to me that higher education was an opportunity and privilege not afforded to everyone. Furthermore, he and my mother were making this opportunity available to me at no cost. He went on to explained that he was disappointed I had not respected the largess bestowed upon me through their generosity. Put in simple terms, if I didn't get my act together immediately, that financial support was going to conclude forthwith. This very troubling message was so well written I wanted to share it to my children. As hard as I might look and as many boxes as I rifled through I could not find this letter. There are many reasons why it could not be found. The principle reason —— over time paper like memories tends to disintegrate as it was moved from box to box sandwiched in between less important documents like old bank statements and utility bills being saved for posterity. The realization that if I wanted my children and their children to have a sense of their father, now of the legacy age, I would have to find a better way of preserving my pearls of wisdom. Thus, I decided that writing a blog would create a permanent record (as we know nothing leaves the internet) of my thoughts; beliefs, and observations of life. They might be curious about how I felt about life and understood life through my eyes. Thus “E Solo Un Trucco” was born – a life lived of importance to those closest to me.
I called my sister on the eve of our father's birthday to say hello and speak of our father. I don't talk to my sister every day our communication would be described as sporadic. It’s not something I'm necessarily proud. As my children know, I am always hopeful that they will communicate more frequently with each other as life does not give you a second chance. My sister had called earlier to wish me a happy birthday. She was well aware that our father's birthday was today, the 18th. During our conversation. she said she read my blog every Wednesday. Upon hearing this an enormous sense of pride came over me. I deeply respect both of my sisters who have achieved multiple degrees and succeeded in many avenues. I was super proud that my oldest sister would think that this blog was worth reading and reading every week. As I remembered my father on his birthday, he would have smiled at the idea that his offspring would be in communication with each other.
I know my other sister also reads my blog. These two respected women reading my writing consistently gives me such a feeling of pride and joy. This sense of accomplishment and validation from two people who I care about would, on the day of his birth, make my father extraordinarily proud. Proud that his offspring were still part of each other’s lives and part of an extended family which started with this accomplished gentleman who amongst many things wrote a beautiful letter.
With love,
Happy Birthday Dad