Teamwork

I have had “teamwork” on my mind recently.   I was in London recently visiting my writer, director, actor daughter.  I would like to think that we are both writers.  You can write on your own or you can do as we did while I was visiting.  In the afternoon we would go to one of her special writing spots and we would write together.  I think we both accomplished a lot although working on different projects.  Rather than working in isolation we were working together.  The positive outcome is attributed to the power of working together as a team. 

In this time of March Madness followed by NBA playoffs, I thought of the greatest college basketball coach of all time – John Wooden.  He coached UCLA to ten NCAA National Championships along with a long list of impressive records.  He has written several books dealing with leadership and teamwork.

I grew up in a Southern California Household dominated by my father’s loyalty and obsession with the athletic exploits of the USC Trojans.  However, during the winter and spring months, it was my mother’s turn as she had attended UCLA and was a big fan of John Wooden. USC is a football school and UCLA dominates in basketball.

All of this thinking about sports, my parents, my daughter and teamwork reminded me of a story that represents the essence of teamwork – people working together to achieve a positive outcome.

Many years after Coach Wooden retired he was living in Southern California writing and speaking.  At this time, he was in his early 90’s.  I was living in Santa Barbara and was the Chairman of the UCSB Foundation Board.  Gary Cunningham was the athletic director at UCSB.  Gary had played basketball for John Wooden and was an assistant coach under Wooden for 10 years before coaching UCLA himself for two years. 

The Foundation Board, like others in the UC system, is principally involved in fund raising for the University.  Gone are the days when the UC system was primarily funded through tax dollars.  Now UCSB and others rely on the generosity of alumni  to fund activities like intercollegiate sports. 

I asked Gary if he was still in contact with Coach Wooden.  He said he talked to him almost every day.  Knowing that I asked Gary if he thought Coach Wooden would attend a small dinner in Los Angeles.   If  yes, I could raise $100 thousand dollars for the athletic department if Coach Wooden would commit to such a dinner.  I remember Gary thinking that I was out of my mind and that I could not accomplish such a goal.  A week later Gary called  to say that Coach would come to my dinner and make a few remarks. 

The dinner was held at the now closed French restaurant L’Orangerie in Los Angeles.  In its day it was the quintessential French restaurant in Southern California.  I had ten guests that night and each had paid $10,000 for the privilege of having dinner with the Coach.  Gary Cunningham was ecstatic.

There was one more thing I had to solve for this to be as good an evening as I had imagined.  Coach Wooden was in his early nineties at this point and was not much for standing around in advance of the dinner.  So, I had arranged for him to be seated immediately upon arrival.  I felt I could not have him sit alone while the rest of us were waiting for all the guests to arrive.  What better companion, I thought, than my mother.  Remember the UCLA fan who adored Coach Wooden.  She was in her eighties at this point.  She would be the perfect dinner companion.  I was so excited to call my mother and invite her to this dinner.  She accepted and thus the party was complete.

What I remember most about the evening was my mother and Coach Wooden deep in conversation before and throughout the dinner.  I thought he was going to ask her out or maybe forget he had to speak.  Alas he did speak to a thoroughly engaged dinner table. 

To me this is a wonderful example of bringing many people together for the purpose of achieving a positive result.  There were so many positives.  The University had a terrific fund-raising night.  I proved to Coach Cunningham a lesson in fund raising. (People love to give to dinners with accomplished people).  Coach Wooden was happy with the event.  Finally and most importantly, my mother was happy.

Teamwork is all about taking the risk that other people are there for you when you need them.  It is about the obvious --- people are more powerful when working together.

 Epilogue

My mother and Coach Wooden never dated and I don’t think they spoke again.  They both lived another 10 years and I hope this was an evening they both remembered with fondness.

Love you, Mom

Happy Birthday (May 5)

You Can’t Rent It

I have been known as a bit of a “dude”.  As a matter of fact, that has been my nickname in some circles.  At a minimum I have always been interested in clothes and one’s appearance.  This interest dates back to working in a men’s store throughout  college.   As such, I have been  fortunate enough to experience many of the top Italian brands for men. 

 A few years back, a good friend of mine had a black-tie wedding.  Another good friend was attending this event.  During the pre-ceremony,  Al approached me and complimented me on my tuxedo.  He asked where I had rented it?  I replied “It’s a Brioni – you can’t rent it!” Arrogant for sure but it has been a standing joke between us for years.  To this day we still laugh at this comment whenever we find an occasion to reference the difference between something of value and a substitution.

 It might be desultory,  but my interest in clothes extends to what it says about how one presents themselves to the outside world.  It is not about how much you spend, it is about how you wish others to perceive you.  If you show up for a special event in a t-shirt and shorts it indicates a lack of caring for the effort put forth to create that event.   It doesn’t say much  about yourself either.   On the other hand, showing up well-groomed and well-dressed says you cared and thought about the meeting and the people involved.  You demonstrate caring in many different ways.  Presenting yourself says as much about you as it says about how you feel towards the people in your company.

 Recently I have became a fan of Isaia.  Isaia was founded in Napoli in 1920. As a family business it is now run by Gianluca Isaia.  Their price point is similar to  other hi-end Italian clothiers.  However, that is where the similarity ends.  Beyond price, there is a significant difference which made me think of the importance of a team effort when it comes to sales.  It is the team effort that makes this company significantly different.  More importantly teamwork is a powerful leverage point for any successful sales effort. 

 Tarek is the manager of the San Francisco store.  During the pandemic he was able to convert his sales effort to an appointment only format which allowed him to continue to sell product while other stores where unable.  Tarek regularly introduces Sig. Isaia to his customers.  It is part of their company culture.  Giancarlo Isaia travels the world.   He makes himself available to  clients and employees.  I met him recently after he had been crisscrossing the globe visiting.  He does this kind of touring  multiple times a year.  I am not a big client but talking to him you would think so.  He is thoughtful as we discuss the business of clothes and selling.  He does this with the patience of a good teacher.  Further he allows these discussions to take place in my broken but improving Italian. 

 I have also been in the Isaia store in London, Milan, Rome, Los Angeles and New York.  In each of those stores when I mention I am a client in San Francisco I am treated as if I was their client.  Recently I visited Patrick in Milan and  Michael in London.   These individuals support each other in spite of the distances between them.  They acknowledge  and support each other’s clients.  It is an unusual display of a supportive team effort.

 I believe we think of retail as a singular effort with sales people protective of their clients.  Isaia  has managed to create a culture of support and promotion amongst its sales staff.  The idea a team selling the brand and working with each other achieves a better result for their company and the individual.

Traveling and working with colleagues while visiting clients shows you have access to all company resources. You are not guarded. You bring the best from others to your clients.  Isaia has managed to do this in a usually protective retail sales environment.  This kind of team work makes the client feel welcomed, appreciated and heard.

Sales is a human endeavor and the more you make it so, the more successful you can become.

Sig. Isaia has brought the Italian focus of family and team work to his business and it shows.  It is a global experience that is welcoming and endearing.

And the clothes are amazing….

And…..

You can’t rent it!!!

Going To The Office

I traveled to London to visit my daughter.  While there, i visited a friend at the London headquarters of Goldman Sachs.  He has a really big job heading a division that used to be three.   

 I arrived at the beautiful new building.  Security is high but not intimidating.  I was met by his assistant who guided me through the trading floor to his office.  Trading floors in concept have not changed except there are more people and more screens.  There is one thing that is different and that is the sound or lack of it.  This very large, amazing trading floor was oddly quiet. 

 We had a warm and interesting catch up.  He writes a blog for the firm.  It is well worth the read — always knowledgeable and provocative.  The other interesting aspect is that it has a bit of human interest and thus, a very warm quality.  We talked about the joys of writing mixed with the pressure of a weekly publication.  We agreed that writing has made us more observant of the world and human behavior.

 We concluded our visit as he had to move to his next meeting.  His assistant escorted me through the floor to the elevator.  I tried to get her to sign-up to my blog ---- always selling!!

 As I left the building a distinct feeling came over me.  A bit of nostalgia but something else.  It was the comfort of connecting with the familiar.   I have come in and out of buildings like this more times than I can count over my career in financial service. 

 I began to think about the positive nature of going to a designated place to work versus working remotely.  I found going to work was a way of compartmentalizing one of the many things we do with our lives.  A place to work helps to focus and give fully to that which we are engaged.  Living and working in the same place blurs the lines of living and working.  When at home, it is important to experience what is valuable and enjoyable about being at home.  Whether family or single, home offers a chance to find solace and rest from the other activities of life.   Home represents a different and hopefully more peaceful opportunity to enjoy and reflect.

 I liked the process of going to work.  There was a preparation that is distinct from the other activities you prepare for.   Whether it’s a suit or casual business or a uniform the process of getting ready is different from a social activity.  This is followed by the trip to work.  There are so many tools now that allow you to continue your preparation for your work day.  Listening to messages or listening to work related publications is another way of preparing.

 Finally, there is the arrival at the office.    This is where I work and it is separate and distinct from the other places I inhabit.  Work offers the stage on which we can interact with our colleagues.  We communicate in person and experience the nuance and depth of interpersonal language.   When I am at home my boss might call me once a day but when I am at our place of work, I have multiple opportunities to receive feedback.  A place of work creates the stage that allows spontaneity and creativity.  The aspect of working and living in the same place makes it very difficult to get as much out of the work experience or the home experience. 

 When one is at work in the presence of colleagues one can create and collaborate with them.   You learn how to work with people. how to resolve conflict. You can congratulate and experience success and failure together.  Whether it's passing in the hallway or in the same room creativity explodes with the energy created by in-person communication.   The digital tools that we have in front of us helps our solution driven ideas, but they can isolate us.  Remember the stereo type of the early computer programmer – locked in a room - up all night writing code.  There is a loneliness that comes about in developing code or computer programming, and perhaps that has leaked into today’s digital products and remote work. 

 I had a terrific feeling, maybe even a longing of wanting in person work again.  I realized the idea of working from home can stunt creativity in spite of Zoom. There is nothing quite the same as human interaction to create positive results.  So, as I left the office, I thought how much I had accomplished in such a short time and how many subjects we had addressed.  In person collaboration opens up rich possibilities that are otherwise limited when working remotely.  When we work together regardless of what kind of tools we are using, there is nothing quite like the creativity we can develop with another human.  Think of one industry or enterprise that functions better when colleagues work alone.  Cannot imagine a sports team working remotely.  We make friends, we collaborate we produce a better imagined product when we work together. 

 Think of the break your mind and body will get when you arrive home for a real disconnect from work.  I had a great opportunity to re-experience working in an office the other day.  I thank my friend for treating me.  It would not have happened remotely.

Willing and able to work in an office.

 From London: 

Fredric Steck

Time Out

In the early days of business travel I flew out of San Francisco International.  Terminal 4 was American Airlines.  At that time American was the premier airline.  Now it is just another crappy American carrier trying to squeeze every inch out of the seats so that their customers can be as uncomfortable as possible.  At the same time they hire an ad agency to convince you that this is an amazing way to travel.  You could park and run directly to the gate as there was no security to go through.  What was important at that time was to get every minute out of your day before you reached the airport.  The goal was to run on the plane as they were closing the doors.  The idea of getting to the airport early was, well, it just wasn’t the thing to do. 

Obviously the world is different now.  For years we have been indoctrinated to arrive hours early for flights.  Two to four hours depending on where you were going.  In the beginning this recalculation seemed so foreign to me.  Unnecessary and un cool as the goal was to get there “just” in time.  But I have evolved…..

 I have been converted.  I am flying to London today.  I made a point of arriving to the airport early.  Not just the two-hour early requirement, but earlier.  I have discovered that arriving early has its advantages and it is not only for the benefit of the airline.  After all why would one do anything to benefit organizations that spend their time thinking of new ways to make you as uncomfortable as possible.  Arriving early has several advantages.  You have checked in. Maybe baggage checked. Essentially you have no baggage or any other responsibilities.  Depending on how much time you have allowed you have a two-hour time out from life.  Your only responsibility is getting your self to the gate and walking onto the plane.  The amount of baggage you create is completely in your control.  You can Instagram scroll to your hearts content. In general, you get a pass from constant availability. 

“I’ll be traveling can we have out conference call after I arrive? I will call when the plane lands” Talking on the phone while on a plane is still a societal no no.  We just do not want to hear your one-sided conversation. International travel is perfect because of time zones are a natural governor to always being available.

 Your immediate responsibilities are concluded once you are checked-in, bags disposed of and now all you have to do is wait.  A brief time-out from society.  A true opportunity to selfishly meditate, read, and listen. In other words your senses are yours and no others while you recline in quiet anonymity.  It’s one good things airlines and the constant drum of instruction that accompany air travel ---- a welcome time out.

 Your flight departs at 4:52 pm,  Please arrive early - indeed I will.

Conversation

Early last year a former colleague of mine called to see what I was up to.  We had a terrific “catch-up”.  As we were concluding our call he said, “let’s not wait 5 years to have our next conversation.”  Since that call we have been doing a monthly call.  They are not long, maybe 30 minutes, as he has a very big job in Asia.  However, we make good use of our time with an adequate mix of business and personal. 

About three weeks ago I connected with a friend that I had met many years ago.  We were in different circumstances at that time but I remember how our energy connected in such a positive way.  We have recently had a couple of dinners and have discovered the same energy prevailed.  We managed to close the restaurant as we talked  about everything from politics to children.

Last Easter Sunday my daughter invited me to have Easter lunch with her family.  It was a beautiful day after a winter of rain.  There was no disciplining of children and no food fights. It was a varied conversation stretching from children’s activities to vacation plans to work.  Essentially it was a complete recap of our current lives.  I was amazed that we closed the place as we were in no hurry to leave and everyone seemed to be involved in the conversation.

I am paying attention to these three events as they all had one thing in common.  The sheer joy of human connectivity and caring.  I aware we all have phones.  I am as bad as the kids for texting and scrolling through IG.  I want to keep it 💯 with you--nothing is better than in-person/real communication.  It has all of the emotion and nuance that we as humans are seeking.  The light in your eyes when you are enthusiastic, the twinkle when you are flirting, the wrinkle when you disagree but are empathetic enough to understand.  Human communication is such a complex set of voices, intonation, language both verbal and body all rolled up into a real time experience.  I love writing and I am learning to love reading but there is nothing more rewarding than experiencing verbal connection.  It is opening the door to so much more.  It is not a conclusion it is the newest chapter no matter how old the book, the chapters keep getting written.

 There is someone out there that would love to hear from you.  My suggestion is go see them or at the very least give them a call.  In addition to these recent conversations…….

i am Grateful————-

• For my health and spirit

• For my lovely children

• For those who love me for who I am not what I have

• For my grandchildren and the ones to come

• For my ability to help others and communicate

• For my ability to be empathetic

• For whomever or whatever has allowed all of this be

• For the guidance that my father and mother gave to me - may they rest in peace and find happiness in the place they reside

• For the hope that i have for mankind

  For my optimism and belief that it will all be ok

3 – 3 – 152

The news today was all about a guy that really should be irrelevant.  The news reporting made consistent reference to a historical event and a sad day for Democracy.  History or not – A sad day for Democracy  was not about a  narcissistic figure being arrested.  It was sad because students in Nashville Tennessee had to leave their classrooms to protest the fact that no Republican had the guts to help bring about legislation that would limit and control the gun craziness that exists in the United States.  There are more guns than people in the US.  The sad truth is that if you vote for a Republican you are voting to perpetuate this insane escalation of gun violence.  There continue to be more  absurd reasoning the political leaders are assigning to this most recent shooting at a school.  Rep Burchett (in a mark of real intelligence) was quoted as saying  “criminals will be criminals”  {reminds me of the “boys will be boys” when what’s his name  was raping and grouping  women}  Then further proving his insensitivity and thoughtfulness he tried to suggest an analogy of his father being shot at in World War II.  That comment was only appropriate because the shooter used a military rifle to shoot unarmed children and teachers.   Other than the fact that we allow civilians to buy and carry military rifles his comments had absolutely no relevance to the situation.

Are we insane?  We have bastardized the Second Amendment; found a myriad of other excuses to justify this insane part of everyday life in the US.  The only way out of this is to vote for a Democrat.  We have no other power because no elected Republican will ever stand up to fix this horrible situation.  Oh, the solution that the congressman had for his daughter – we homeschool her.  Now there is a real man of the people.

 I had every intention of writing something positive this week.  However, all I could think about were these numbers.

3 ------ Nine-year-old children

3 ------ Adults

152 --- Bullets from a Military Assault Rifle.

 A sad day for Democracy….

Just Say Yes

The season of yes

 It is easy to get comfortable with the routine.  Favorite restaurants, vacation spots and all sorts of habits we do every day.  Not only is change a challenge as we struggle to remove ourselves from our comfort zone but it is hard to say yes.  So much easier to say no.  After a couple of years of either lockdown or isolation I have determined that yes would be the optimal word for the next decade.  Doesn’t have to be a big yes.  No, I am talking about simple yes that moves the needle just a little, but opens you up to more than you expected.  Of course, big yes will result in big changes --- moving across the country or out of the country.  What I am referring to is your willingness to say yes to little things.  The things that it is easy to say no to.  I would suggest that doing that will add a level of excitement and discovery that going to the same restaurant will never achieve.

 Case in point… The Snail Bar…

I live in Marin County.  Now this is not a universal truth but getting someone from Marin to go to the East Bay is generally a hard no.  My new friends from the Bell’s reunion dinner that I wrote about last week called to see if I would meet them at  The Snail Bar.  I had never heard of it and by the sound of the name it was never going to be on my “to do” list.  But I am into saying “yes” and so I did exactly that.  Now the distance to this establishment is 25 miles or less than 30 minutes.  However, on a Friday evening it could take well over an hour. Not to be deterred from my yes program I headed out to this establishment.  

Reward:

I found a parking place in front of the restaurant.  Must have been good karma for traveling all that way -- : -)

Better reward:

This little hole in the wall is fabulous.  Great food, unusual but solid wine selection.  My friend Greg said it was a super little place. Greg is always right.

Best reward:

The five of us had a fantastic conversation and became even better friends.   A writer for me to bounce my naive questions off of – a film/AI/tech gentleman who knew my good friend who makes IMAX movies--- Francine and Brian — most special.  The conversation was varied, exciting and I learned a lot. It was just fun.

 Next Case…

I had dinner with a friend that I had not seen in a while. It evolved into a 5-hour conversation solving all of the world’s problems, having a lot of smiles and laughs and closing the restaurant. Such a wonderful evening…

 Next case…

I picked up my grandson from tennis and took him to his community project.  He tutors a young boy who normally would not have access to additional educational help.  Best part --- we had dinner after.  Now for all of those who think this generation spends all of their time with their nose buried in an electronic device, I will tell you be careful when you paint things with a broad brush.  This generation is thoughtful, open minded, without bias and brilliant.  We had a varied conversation and help with my book. I can hardly wait for them to kick-out the narrow-minded, biased individuals who pose as leaders in the US Congress.

 None of these events are either earth shattering or unique in the grander scheme of fancy things to do in the world.  But they occurred because I said yes.  They broadened my world view, made me think and well, they were just super fun. 

 If you say no ---- it doesn’t happen….

Time Well Spent

I was listening to a radio show today on my local NPR station (KQED).  The subject matter presented by Forum host Nina Kim was an interview of Shadi Hamid.  He is a Senior Fellow at the Brookings Institute.  He wrote an article in The Atlantic titled “You’re Better Off Not Knowing”.  The basic precept of this article is that listening to news all of the time can leave us physically ill or mentally exhausted.  We could find better uses for our time than listening to news all day all the time.  He further puts forth that much of the news is beyond our control and impact.  An additional reason for finding better use of those hours.   For example, as a news person he has not been following the latest Trump saga over his potential indictment.  He doesn’t follow this story because it literally has no impact on his life and he has no control over the process or the outcome.  I find we indulge in a lot of similar news stories.  I have always been fascinated with the Kardashians.  Not that I follow them but because so many people do follow them.  The Kardashian activities or lack of activities have no impact on our lives or society’s.   Trump’s activities are similar.   He is not in power,  has no ability to pass laws or pen executive orders that would impact me in any way.  His legal troubles are out of my control and have no impact.  Although I might smile or even laugh if he were to actually be convicted, following news about him is an absolute waste of time.  The point of all of this is one might consider being more  selective about the things  we commit time to.  Our life span is approximately 4700 weeks.  When you look at it in that way you might be more careful how much time you commit to Trump or Kardashian.

 Speaking of a better use of time….

I attended a reunion of sorts at my favorite restaurant in Los Alamos, CA --- Bell’s.  A Michelin Star restaurant owned and presented by Daisy and Greg Ryan.  The group assembled had been together in the South of France last fall.  The dinner prepared by Daisy and her staff and presented by Greg and his staff was amazing.  We all felt it was the meal we had expected during our tour of the not so fabulous restaurants curated by the tour organizer.  For me it was an interesting comparison in how we related to each other.  I did not know anyone except Daisy and Greg when we met in France.  Admittedly I can be stand offish as unknown groups tend to make me a little withdrawn.  On this occasion we greeted each other as friends,  not just friends,  but warm friends who had shared more than a moment in time.  As I reflect on  the aforementioned discussion,  I thought of this evening and how worthwhile it was to have taken the trouble to attend.  It reminded me that whether the trip was perfect or challenged we shared this experience together.  Thus, it gave us a wonderful basis from which to learn more about each other...  Many of these people know more about me as many read this blog.   That would not have happened without sharing a common experience.  Coming together again turned out to be  most positive and fulfilling.

 Finally, this evening was made more worthwhile by one of our group who took it upon herself to inform us about the philanthropic effort of Daisy and Greg.

Running a restaurant is no easy task and the margins aren’t so great either.  However out of the love of food, people and hospitality our hosts for this evening are an example of people extending their reach to help others.  Daisy and Greg started an organization named “Feed The Valley”.  This effort is to help support those in this agricultural community who are food challenged.  It is a not so obvious problem in this seemingly affluent area.  Giving this effort a spotlight was the perfect use of time as we gathered around this table enjoying exactly that which many cannot.

 How we spend our time is a true-life challenge.  As we chew through the time available, we become more aware of the lack of  time.  I do not care about news that I have no control or have no impact, but I do care about the people I was fortunate enough to share a meal and those that prepared it.  This evening was a valuable use of my time and I hope for theirs’s as well.

 Con Gratitudine e Amore

Has Anyone Noticed…

….that the titans of wealth, fewer regulations and oversight —- airlines, railroads, auto industry, energy, banks etc. along with the venture capital community benefitting from their favored tax treatment through carried interest are the first ones to spend the “crisis weekend” begging to be bailed out by the US government. Does anyone think that this behavior looks particularly egregious in light of the events of last weekend? Or that Barney Frank sits on the board of one of the failed banks? Short term memory issues are a real institutional problem…

I just didn’t want to write about some horrifying news event or some self-serving senator or any number of negative issues.

What I wanted to say is that two months after my knee surgery I was ripping it up on the ski slopes of Colorado with a bunch of thirty somethings. One third of the famous SKI-AMIGOS was celebrating her birthday with her favorite pals and I was invited!! I was so proud of myself for flying and staying there on my cumulated credit card points. This enabled me to squander my savings at Matsuhisa, La Nonna and Kimo Sabe. I have to thank Dr. Matthew Provencher and the fabulous Steadman Clinic for fixing me up. The ability to ski has allowed me to participate in and create memories with my family and friends. We don’t do first chair anymore but that has not diminished our ability to have fun with a sport we love.

Those brief moments of sliding down the mountain has shielded me from the craziness of the world in which we live. A moment to reflect on how fortunate I am to be able to race down the hill with family and friends. I was honored to be included and loved every moment.

ADDED BENEFIT——-I was so busy having fun I didn’t have time to watch the titans begging. - so unattractive…

I love you SKi-AMIGOS

Standing in Line

It is nothing new to say that we are busy.  The electronic gadgets that were supposed to give us time,  has in truth taken time away from us.  Not only has it helped  us develop neck problems and stooped shoulders, it has also moved us away from interacting with each other. 

 The other day I was waiting in Lane #1 for a flight to Denver.  Now Lane #1 used to be a good lane, but  Lane # 1 is actually lane number #5.  Lane #1 allows one to board after the Global People, the 1K people, Women and children, physically challenged, military in Uniform (don’t see too many of those) and on and on. What I noticed was how willing people were to stand in lanes 1 thru 5.  No one is sitting in the chairs;  they are all standing in line.  Listening to some United employee blather on and on about all of these rules and regulations we must adhere to, in order to get on the plane and sit in the tiny seat that we paid for.  I am fascinated by the sea of people with their suitcases of valuable belongings, their children and all of their equipment.  I am fascinated they  are all willingly standing in  line.

 A few minutes before I was walking to my gate and passed a Starbucks or was it Peet’s, regardless there was another group of people willing to wait in line for 30 minutes or more to buy a cup of burned coffee or another such coffee drink.

 That morning I drove to the airport going east on the San Rafael-Richmond Bridge.  I was going in the opposite direction of all the people who were traveling west to work in Marin County or San Francisco.  On most mornings the line that these people were willing to wait extends all the way to Harbor which, for those unfamiliar, is between 3 to 4 miles.  This is not an unusual occurrence; this happens every morning and these people are willing to stand in this line for hours.

 For all of our interest in time – how much of it – what is left of it – better use of it – wasting it -- we put waiting in line in a different category.  What is it about we humans that we are willing to stand in lines? What is it about this activity that we are so willing to accept?   We're literally standing  heads down, looking at our phones, mindlessly  for hours.    We got up early to stand in the security line. Then stand in the line at Starbucks for a drink that will take us 30 minutes to obtain and 5 minutes to consume.  That seems to be the wrong proportion.   We're OK with just standing.  I am standing in this line and decided that this was a worthwhile subject to write about. I don't have a solution. It's amazing that in  a world that is so busy and moves so quickly, standing in line is OK.  Maybe that's just the point.   Standing in line gives us the excuse to actually take a time out.  Last week I wrote about stopping at a red light one evening in my car.   While sitting there I became aware at how relaxed I was for the duration of the red light.  The red light had given me the permission to stop.  Perhaps our obsession with accomplishing has made us starved for moments of relaxation.   It is those  moments  that we are given permission to stop.  Perhaps standing in line is like the red light --- a moment  to stop and relax.  A moment not demanding that something be done, accomplished or problem solved.   However, It would be a lot more fun to be stopping on the beach rather than waiting in line.   

Group 9 you may board……

Friends and Family

There are different definitions of friendship or perhaps different styles of friendship.  I am not going to define it but I will tell you about friendship.  I came to Denver to celebrate my son’s birthday.  There were many events associated with this singular occasion.  My son has, over the years, been able to craft his birthday celebration as a National Holiday. 

Friday — Great little Mexican restaurant followed by 3rd ranked Denver University D-1 Hockey team playing Univ. of Minnesota.  We sat in the student section, of course, and seemed welcomed by the coeds sitting around us.  This was followed by a quick (well not so quick for some) trip to the off campus student bar for a victory cocktail (or two) celebration.

Friendship Observation # 1

My son coaches the D-2 Denver University Men’s Club team.  For the first time in 7 years they are on their way to regional championships and hopefully national finals.  I watched as his entire team surrounded him…talking hockey, celebrating his birthday, and congratulating him on being named by the league — “Coach of the Year”.  It’s hard to balance the role of coach, mentor and friend.  However, he has managed to thread the needle in a most elegant way.  It was heart warming to see these boys not only pay him respect but embrace him as a friend

Saturday -Pond hockey with some players and more friends.  These are hockey enthusiasts playing pick-up games on frozen ponds.  Remember this is winter in Colorado so they flood part of a golf course. There are all sorts groups, families and friends playing pick up hockey.  Getting there was not without effort as travel time was a 45 minute to one hour drive for all.  

Friendship Observation # 2

A broad group of families had managed to arrange for baby sitters and take a pause on all those Saturday duties allowing them to come and play hockey on a pond because he had asked them to do so.  No presents just bring yourselves because you are my friends and I want to hang with you around a sport we all love.  It is the friendship of common interests.  A celebration of togetherness around a shared activity.  

Saturday Night-I love the hospitality industry and when it is done correctly there is nothing like the experience of sharing food with friends.  Fortunately the friends extend, at least for me, to the people who run these incredible establishments.  Tavernetta is a must go to restaurant in Denver developed by the renowned restauranteur Bobby Stuckey.  However it is the sommelier Tre Gerbitz that makes every visit special.  His knowledge of wine and attention to detail is superb.  In this instance he had taken the time to select wine vintages which matched important anniversaries in my son’s life.  Graduation from prep school, college but importantly, his marriage to the most incredible Katherine “The Duchess of Worcestershire.” The dinner matched the wines and it was a party to remember.

Friendship Observation # 3

Our friends at this restaurant and others (Bell’s Los Alamos a prime example - no offense but they are still #1 for me) make every visit,  a visit amongst friends.  The warmth and meaningful conversation sandwiched into serving others always leaves me thinking they had open the restaurant just for me.  Tre wrote an amazing salutation for my son as he described the meaning of the wines chosen for this event.

“ you bring so much joy into all of our lives.  I am lucky to have met you, and look forward to celebrating your next birthday together, in Italy, or on the moon if they are allowing BYOB on spaceships by then.” —Tre

This is not service this is friendship!!!

Now the cynics might say this is what restaurant are supposed to do.  I beg to differ this is an example of extraordinary people celebrating unconditional friendship 

Sunday -Not over yet….. Colorado Avalanche game against Edmonton.  It was an exciting overtime victory by the Aves and by all accounts an extraordinary game.  Again I am not sitting in these seats if it were not for friends of  my son who had graciously given him these seats plus 4 more for his friends.

Friendship Observation # 4

He does have a business relationship but he is the provider not the client.  Yet  through his attentiveness and care they have become friends.  They are a young family and they share in the love of this game and the love building careers and families.  A friendship of experience you might say.  As you slog through the challenges of life, it is so much fun to have friends to share these experiences and challenges in real time.

Monday -Almost the end…. I had a doctor’s appointment about an hour and one half away from Denver.  My son and friend was able to drag himself out of bed to take me to and from in the middle of holiday ski traffic.  We ended our extravaganza with the “Three Ski Amigos” dinner at Matsuhisa  Yes, I get to be part of this tight knit group of three.  We reviewed all of the events.

Friendship Observation # 5

Friendships are developed over time but at the core the participants are interesting and interested.  All sacrifices are worthwhile.  Take Eli and Zach - piled hi with student debt, attending medical school and business school in Philadelphia, they managed  to pause classes and fly out to be with their friend to celebrate his birthday.  My son is someone you want to have as your friend and I am blessed to be one of them.  It is the breadth of his friendship group that always amazes me.  They are not just his class mates, nor his team, nor his work colleagues, they are a broad group of people that he has engaged with on multiple occasions.  Friends are not acquaintances, they are people who believe in you and would help when needed. Fill in when asked; watch the dog, listen to your problems, give advice when needed.. Mostly they are people that you care about without condition just like the love we all strive to find and to give.

Happy Birthday

Love Your Friends and Family

The Red Light

A regular reader of this blog commented that I start many thoughts —— …… “driving home from a restaurant….”  One might think that is a principal activity for me.  They would be correct.  I love to cook and believe that I am accomplished in the kitchen.  However, I love a good restaurant experience. I am not skilled enough to be a cook in a restaurant.  A knowledgeable enough chief to have a restaurant has a skill set way above my pay grade.  I can make a good meal, but real chiefs can create recipes not follow them.  I am on, my best day, a follower, not a creator.

I am off track of this stream-of-consciousness-blog I was setting out to write.

So, I begin again

I was driving home after an early dinner experience at one of my favorite Marin county restaurants.  I was gliding along at the speed limit and noticed how oddly relaxing it is to drive the speed limit.  You are not furtively checking the mirror for the red light.  You are not worried about a DUI. You are just driving along in your lane as if you owned the road and had no particular place to be.  I find driving fast takes a lot out of me, as I am looking for the aforementioned black and white while at the same time competing for position amongst the other cars driving too fast. 

The light turned yellow, and I comfortably came to a stop at the red light.  I was the first car in the intersection, thus, the red sphere was directly in front of me.  It was at that moment a red super moon. I was mesmerized by the light and saw nothing else around it.  I suddenly came to feel incredibly relaxed.  It was as if the red light had signaled to me I could take a time out.  A time out from my life – whatever that meant.  The disappointments, the things I had to do, the lack of achievement on that particular day; the light allowed me to sit there without worry.  I was not concerned about my destination.   A red light lasts about 60 - 90 seconds and for that brief period I was relieved of all that surrounded my life and I was conscious of this amazing relief.  Then just as suddenly as this feeling had come over me the light turned green and  it was time to get in the race again.

Now maybe you think I had more than one cocktail but that would not have been true on this evening.  We only have this one life, or perhaps we have more. Many believe we live more than one and perhaps that is true and we have more to live.  I would like to think that but the problem is even if I have another to live, I will not know because I can’t remember the last one.  Whichever is true it was this red light that overtook my consciousness and gave me a brief moment to reflect.    I am racing ahead hoping they miss me.   If they do, they might make me take stock of where I am and what I am.  Sometimes it feels like we are in a race that has no end. But we know that is not true because it does ---- end… I know there is not a winner but there I was sitting at the signal with the red light telling me that I could stop for a moment.  I did not have to reflect or judge myself or anyone else.  I could just sit in my car quietly reflecting on how relaxed I was because the red light permitted me to stop.

Red light Green light……

Listen Up!

Everyone seems to have a neighbor story, a city, or governmental agency story. A story of wasted time and energy. These arguments are generally meaningless in the overall scheme of things.  Why do we insist on standing our meaningless ground?  “Nobody’s right if everybody’s wrong” …For What It’s Worth…

I had dinner the other night with a couple of pals.  We had a great chat covering a number of subjects but one that was all to common. We all gave advice on fixing the disagreements with building authorities or neighbors.  It reminded me of the male need “to fix” things.  I have been criticized often by my female companions that they did not want me to “fix” anything.  They just wanted me to listen.  If you just listen the argument goes away.  We just want to be heard. The male DNA is to fix it even if we cannot.  I am listening, I am listening but I cannot help myself. I have to try to fix it.  So here we were the three of us trying to fix things. 

I had a recent disagreement with two my old neighbors.  The disagreement was so incredibly  meaningless I will not spend the time to describe what these two old men were bitching about to me.  Instead of participating or trying to “fix it” ---  I just walked away.  Like magic two days later, the problem went away.  I listened to their nonsensical, meaningless complaint, turned and walked away ----

I think  women may be on to something….

A Visit to The Bakery

I took the phone call in the parking lot of a little French bakery.  We had been playing phone tag for a week after the passing of our dear friend.  At one point in our friendship, we talked every day and shared most things happening in our lives. Then something happened and we stopped communicating.   Our mutual friend’s passing has reversed that trend.  We both felt that our dear friend had reminded us of the good fortune we both had in living part of our lives in the same beautiful place.  We talked about our mutual friends and the joyous times we experienced.  I miss my friends and I miss that part of my life.  I don’t think I truly understood that until now. From “the other side”, our friend brought our memories to the forefront.  Those memories were not to be denied or forgotten.  I have one more thing I can thank him for.

 Not to be cliché but life is a circle.  Those experiences that come to us seem to be unique.  For sure they are unique to us and how we receive them is treasured by us alone. Yet life has a certain repetitive nature and familiarity.

 As I sat in the car talking to my rediscovered friend, I watched a small SUV pull into a parking space directly in front of me.  I watched as the process of moving a family from one space to the next unfolded.  The dad was in the passenger seat and popped out of the car to retrieve his daughter who I think is about 5/6.  A great age, especially for little girls as they are more independent than their male counterparts.  A foreshadowing for a lifetime of being more mature and level headed.  Honestly, we need more women in leadership roles.  Men have had it long enough.  I mean look at the shit show they have created.

 I digress…

 Dad gets the little girl out of the care and opens the trunk.  Now the real work begins.  Mom who was driving gets out and begins to unbuckle the baby.  This is not a one clip process as there is a lot of adjusting and preparing to lift the baby out of the car seat.  In the meantime, dad is removing the $1000 stroller from the trunk while hanging on to the 5-year-old who is ready to go to the café.  Once the stroller is assembled there is more adjusting, attaching and loading up the stroller with all sorts of paraphernalia.  The mom is still struggling to get the baby from car to the stroller.  Once he unfolds the stroller (mission accomplished) the father leaves the scene with the 5-year-old to “get in line”. In other words, he is free of any further assemblage necessary for the baby.  For the next 10 minutes mom is loading up the stroller; just in order to join the line.  She accomplishes this with one hand as the other is holding the baby.  I forget just how difficult it is to get from the car to the store with infants and small children.  There is no real purpose for this description other than to point out that parenting is difficult. It is rewarding for sure.  However, even the simplest of tasks are challenging.  It took two people 20 minutes to get from their car to the bakery to order a coffee.  After that brief moment they have to get up and load it all back again.  Think about that the next time you cruise by to pick up your cappuccino.

 But wait, don’t forget.  There is the sheer beauty of welcoming a new born into the world.  My eldest son and his partner welcomed a beautiful baby boy over the weekend.  It was not without complication but the end result was perfect.  It is truly a miracle that we flawed humans can and do produce these flawless creatures that are so beautiful.  It is the incredible continuum of life. In the same week as I said good bye to my good friend, I was celebrating and welcoming a new life.  The entire process is a miracle in so many ways.  It is these moments that we must strive to focus on and embrace because there are so many little problems that will become outsized in their importance.  Guaranteed my son will be having a drink with his buddies and they will be talking about their lives as pack mules.  Loaded up with the amazing array of “stuff” that these 8 lbs. humans require on a minute-to-minute basis.  However, he will soon forget the drink and the complaints because he will never forget the journey he and his wife are embarking upon.  A blessed event full of love. 

 The emotional adjustment we go through from sad to melancholy to the joy of welcoming a beautiful infant into the world is an amazing ride.  Creating the opportunity to experience the marvelous world of parenting and the unimaginable rewards that we as parents will receive.  The opportunity to smile, laugh, cry and love beyond our imagination and then…...

…then we load them into the SUV and repeat….

Accumulation

The urge to accumulate…

I was sitting in a chair that I had purchased for my home 15 years ago. I was looking at a sofa that I had purchased for an apartment in New York 20 years ago. Above the sofa was a painting my parents had purchased from a painter friend probably 50 years ago. On the sofa was a blanket my great grandmother crocheted 100 years ago and next to it is a cashmere blanket my very close friend gave to me 5 years ago. Those and so many other things I have accumulated over my lifetime.

I had a friend of mine pass on to the other side this week and another three weeks before. . I only knew David Crosby in the later years of his incredible life. The impact for me was just as powerful. The loss of our friends and relatives is mitigated by the memories we share. Yet we are not in control as to when we are required to reach for those memories to keep them close to us. David and I did not share music although I was always appreciative of his artistry. We shared a love of human interaction and good wine. Dinners at my home were always special with deep conversation fueled by good food, wine and respect. We came from such different backgrounds but our mutual empathy was the foundation of friendship. I was fortunate to know him in a different context than his very famous life. I will miss him.and our intellectual engagement.

I'm wondering if the urge to accumulate things is our subconscious way of demonstrating that we have some control over things that we love. The need to believe we have the control of when we let go. The people we love pass on in their time not ours. We have no control although we keep them in our hearts through the memories we share. Their physicality has gone but they remain in our hearts and minds. Our urge to collect, to hold onto things that we have been given or purchased is our way of exerting control over what we allow to leave our lives. We dispose of “things” at a time of our choosing. It fills that belief that we have control over such things. Our things we wish to keep and that which we wish to relinquish control over is the illusion of control over a life that in reality we have no control over.

I don't really know ——- just a thought as I reflect on my friend. 

Ubuntu

You don’t learn much or expand your horizons if you don’t extend yourself. Living in your echo chamber, the only reward will be the one you received when you first entered the chamber.  You will learn nothing beyond that point.  Take yourself out of the box and expose yourself to learning something new.

 Ubuntu

 I had never heard of this word until I had coffee with a woman whom I had never met.  She had reached out to me as we share a similar philosophy on the value of human communication.  In other words, communication not through digital means but through analogue means. Communication in person and through voice.  When she first reached out, I had a choice of ignoring the message or stepping out of my comfort zone or friendship zone and making myself available.  Having made the right choice, I chose to have coffee and meet a unique woman who is a coach and lecturer on the value of human communication.

 Ubuntu is an African philosophy that places the emphasis on “being self through others”. It is a form of humanism which can be expressed in the phrase : “I am because of who we all are”.

It is this philososphy which allows one to understand that we are only part of a whole and that I am because of the contributions of others.  The more others I allow to enter my conscienouness the broader and more empathetic self I can become.

 The next day I went for a walk with an extraordinary friend of mine.  We were taking an initial hike after my knee surgery and after the torrential rains of 2023 in Marin County.  The streams and water falls were spectacular as the mountains had become temporary rain forests.  We tend to cover most important subjects on these walks.  Most important on this one was the discussion of the silos that we have managed to put ourselves in.  Either socially or politically we are all now identified with one group or another.  It is hard to get out of any of these boxes and we are generally identified as being a member of a certain “tribe” or belief system.  If you are socially conscious you are a “liberal” and assigned the moniker of “woke”.  If you are conservative, you are a MAGA, with all attributes.  One comment he made has stuck with me and appropriate to this writing.  “If I cannot understand your belief system how can I possibly expect to teach you about mine.  Much less convince you of my relevance.

 Being vulnerable, stepping out of your norm to hear another view is the door to learning and understanding.  The longer we continue to only associate with those that think like us the more entrenched our beliefs are whether they are right or wrong.

 I think restaurants are hard to get into because we are all yearning for the chance to interact with people in a human way.  Now if we could just open ourselves with having dinner with someone from a different “club” think what we could learn.

 UBUNTU – the philosophy of being all part of humanity and if that is true then we could become more open to hearing another opinion.  I don’t have to agree with you but I will be so much better if I understand you.  The world will be better if we could understand that we are all part of the whole and that understanding doesn’t mean agreement but it does mean empathy and that is the key to compromise

Moving the ball down the field…

A Laugh and a Smile

Developing and exploring relationships is all about extending yourself.   To be a little bit vulnerable and taking yourself out of your comfort zone,   Let's set the stage.

 I live in a small town just north of San Francisco.  Within this town is everything you need to live day to day.   There's a small hardware store that has everything you would possibly need out of a hardware store.   The additional benefit, unlike the big box store, is that people work there and are willing and able to help.  You  just have to tell them what you need.   I had a very simple job to perform.   I was gluing two pieces of leather together. This small job turned out to be the high point of my day. I walked into the hardware store and there was a woman standing at the counter.   “Can I help you?” she said.  My name is Lorraine.    I learned later that Lorraine grew up with four brothers and she was taking no prisoners.  She was insistent on knowing exactly what I needed help with.  I explained that I had a gluing project.  She escorted me over to a section of the wall that held many different types of glue.    What type of glue would you want?  I said I was  not sure.  I just wanted to glue two pieces of leather. She Googled the question  and gave me her opinion on the best product. At this point the owner of the store came over and added his two cents. She looked at me and rolled her eyes.  You know this is only my second day  she said.   Every time I get involved in a discussion of  helping a client,  he comes over and wants to bully me. Well, I won't be bullied.  She went on to tell me about her brothers and that she was having an argument with her landlord about a heater system that was not working.  She was not about to be bullied by either man.    Silly interaction you might think,  but I learned a lot about this woman in five minutes of just being willing to say what I needed, ask her questions and listen.  Her four brothers, the apartment heating problem, debating with the landlord about how much to lower her rent and that she was client oriented and was always willing and able to help.   None of her problems could I solve but it gave me a window into this person’s life that I might have never known had I not been  willing to listen and to be empathetic.   I like Lorraine., she was funny and  entertaining,  Lorraine was willing to be honest and a little vulnerable.  She was interested, but more than that she was interesting. That's how one develops a relationship have any kind.    I told Lorraine I'm going to figure out something else to do it at my house so I can come back and have her solve the problem.  In addition to a fun interlude, I learned a little about another human and I found a possible source for solutions to  future issues because I learned that  Lorraine is a problem solver.  You can never have too many of those.  She also gave me a laugh and a smile and you can certainly never have too many of those.

High value. 

“The Times They Are A-Changin”….B.Dylan

This year looks a lot like last year. Good things and bad things happen all year long but because some happen around The Holidays we tend to remember them as more impactful. They are just as important if they occurred in August or May but we remember them because they happened during other events of importance. So we set about making resolutions for what we intend to do for the next 12 months or we hope for a better twelve months however you wish to define better. What is on display at the House of Representatives is a pretty good indication that this year will look a lot like what our elected representatives have provided for us ever since Republicans decided that governance was a thing of the past. Perhaps you like to listen to the climate deniers who believe that the recent rains in California are a true indication that global warming is a conspiratorial theory promoted by the liberal media. Maybe you think that Fox News decided to become an actual news organization rather than a propaganda machine for the MAGA right.

I just do not think this year holds any more promise for the future than last January or the one before that or the one…… It seems to me that we set our sights too high or we expect too much from the mere turning of the calendar from 2022 to 2023. I would be happier if we could lower the rhetoric and the expectation. I had coffee the other day with a friend. We sat outside and for every person that walked by he told them what a nice smile they had. If they were not smiling it made them and if they were it made the smile bigger. This simple act of human acknowledgment changed the atmosphere and I believe changed the day ahead for these people who were lucky enough to be walking by that morning. For the days ahead full of the same disappointments I would suggest that we stop thinking that a fantasy would happen to change our cumulative lives. For a better January and February and all the others I suggest you smile more —- share your smile willingly —— most important tell someone they have a beautiful smile and see where that takes you in 2023.

Nice smile!!!!

Fulfillment (first published in March worth another read) Happy New Year

We live in a forward looking culture. I am not referring to our view of the future and how we can best prepare for that future. After all, if we were that forward thinking we would have prepared for global warming. No, I am referring to our “grass is greener” forward thinking. You know, the nicer car, better house, prettier girlfriend, more handsome boyfriend, the better job —- well just about everything better is just around the bend or at the end of the rainbow.

As we watch in horror at the devastation being wreck upon the people of Ukraine, I have been more focused on fulfillment in my life. Embracing what I have accomplished but more importantly what I have right now. We can do the same introspection as a country.

Instead of looking at the things that we do not have a solution for — global warming, political division, world war etc. maybe we could focus on those things that have fulfilled us. It can be as personal and granular as the things that have fulfilled my life - children, grandchildren, career, moments of love and togetherness. These are moments that have filled our cup to overflow. But fulfillment is not just for personal recognition. We as a society should recognize and embrace the fulfillment that is ours as a country. Is it perfect? Of course not, but we as a country and culture have much to be grateful for and much that has fulfilled us. We are looking ahead to a better tomorrow or a change in political environment or the myriad of things we see as greener. Perhaps we should think about how fulfilled we are as a country and culture. Given the recognition of fulfillment just might cause us to think that cooperation and collaboration would be a better way to govern.

With gratitude…

Seriously - Get a Grip

I have spent the better part of three days texting with a non human at United Airlines over my lost luggage. I was on a direct flight from Denver to SFO after having surgery in Vail for a meniscus issue. Suffice it to say United is, in my opinion, one of the worst enterprises masking as a service organization. There is nothing redeemable about the service or the product they offer. Expensive, unhealthy and uncomfortable, except, they did the only thing that is really important— they took off and landed these massive machines safely. I waisted hour after hour talking to a non person, trying to humiliate this non person in order to persuade them to do something they had no intention of ever doing. They were never going to step out of their protocol to do something of service. After four days of this the two bags showed up at my door delivered by a gentleman that is paid minimum wage and was willing to haul these bags up the steps so that I did not have to. Incidentally there was nothing in either of these two bags that could not be replaced other than my inconvenience.

As I felt the anguish and the vitriol release from my being I became aware that I had allowed these non humans, these replaceable items and my indignant behavior to take over the precious days given to me by some higher being. It is hard to step back and actually understand where we are at any given point. It is all too easy to allow that which we have no control over to become the controlling aspect of our lives. I was arguing over six inches of ground with two grumpy old men the other day. As I was arguing over something that had no serious impact on any of our lives I turned and walked away. I separated myself from the stupidity of the discussion. I determined at that moment that I had better things to do than to give either of them the power over my precious time.

It is difficult in the moment to take control or “get a grip” at the time of disappointment with an outcome that we never had control over, yet our ego seems to believe that it has control over everything —- the epitome of arrogance. As we approach Christmas Day or what ever winter solstice celebration you enjoy it might be a good time to realize that the thing that matters is others and the many people in our lives that we are grateful for. It is, indeed, a time for thanks for all the big and little things we are blessed with everyday. To be thankful for all of those people that come in and out of our lives. Giving away our precious time to rail against the injustices of things we have no control over is wasting the time we could give to those we care about including ourselves.

I am grateful for all of you who continue to read my writing every week. I am grateful for your comments. I am honored that you would deem my musing of value and worth your time. I am going to take a couple of weeks off from writing to reflect on what I have just experienced and what I have just written. I will recharge my mind and embrace all of those people and things that have been given to me over the last year.

With gratitude,

Fredric E.