Happiness
How does one experience happiness?
I have been listening to a series of short stories written by famous Russian writers. One in particular touched me as the world observes the numerous tragedies from the comfort of our homes. The story was written by Anton Chekhov in 1898. It is titled “Gooseberries”. In this short story, the main character is lecturing a group who gathered one night in a small inn. “Look at life: the insolence and idleness of the strong, the ignorance and brutishness of the weak, horrible poverty everywhere, overcrowding, degeneration, drunkenness, hypocrisy, lying --- yet in all the houses and on all the streets there is peace and quiet…. people who live in our town there is not one who would cry out, who would vent his indignation aloud.”
Might I remind you, dear reader, this was written in 1898. And yet, the prose reads stunningly familiar. I watch in sadness as the United States House of Representatives continues to fail as an institution of the greatest democracy in the world. However, we are no longer number one in many measures of great societies. Other countries are taking the top spots on the measures of quality of life, security and support from government.
Regardless of how many children are killed we are still continuing to take sides and support our tribe no matter how they behave. If we are critical we are criticized. Criticized as non-supportive and a heretic to our squad. I heard a man interviewed this morning over the Mideast conflict and he remarked “The Palestinian crisis did not start last Saturday”. A simple yet poignant statement.
Chekhov was correct in his phrasing of the situation of Russian society in the late 1800’s. And here we are still quietly sitting in our homes,,, watching…
Is it our fear of losing our own happiness? Don’t we know that happiness is fleeting? We know that our own happiness will undoubtedly be interrupted by some tragedy or crisis that will befall us. So, we stay close. We keep the door locked in fear that unhappiness will be just outside, while we guard what happiness has come to us.
Can we embrace happiness and take the risk to help those that are unhappy,.?
The crisis did not start last Saturday…
But the solution could start today if we would only open the door…
Venturing Out
As time passes, people like doing the same things at the same time all the time…
At one time I hung out with people that were a lot like me. We were in the same business, lived lives that were prescribed according to convention. . We did much the same things, celebrated the same holidays, looked the same, and were following a path prescribed by occupation.
More recently I have found that venturing out is a more rewarding and fruitful path. The idea of doing the same things over and over while comfortable is not a learning experience.
Many years ago, I shared a carpool with a friend who worked at a competing firm. We traded weeks to determine who drove. On his week he took the same route day after day. On my week I took a different route every day. I did it to piss him off. It achieved that goal but for me it underscored the importance of taking a different path when you have already experience a known path.
The same restaurant, the same bar, the same vacation …there is no sense of adventure and definitely no learning. It does seem that as we age we are resistant to change. Rather than becoming more risk adverse I suggest we be more willing to take risk. I don’t mean bungee jumping or jumping out of airplanes, although if you want you should.
The idea of becoming more interested and therefore becoming more interesting is a better goal than taking less risk and becoming more comfortable. Put yourself in situations that require you to adapt and learn. Maybe risky and even a little scary.
A better objective than comfortable and familiar and a lot more fun.
Time is not on your side…..
Maître d’
Now here's a story…
Restaurants and the hospitality business are key components to a culture of human interaction and relationship building. The people of this industry are the stalwart bastion of true human connectivity. Leave your cell phone in the car and enjoy the evening.
I couldn't decide what to title this piece: three women -- three nurses --- three moms --- Maître d’
My favorite San Francisco restaurant is Boulevard. It was established 30 years ago by my good friend Nancy Oakes. She is a pioneering chef and mentor to many over the last decades. She is admired not only as a talented chef but for her generosity and vision. The restaurant survived the 1989 earthquake and, like many, the Coved pandemic. Last Friday the restaurant was celebrating its 30th anniversary. There's a lot to survive over 30 years, especially, if you are in the kitchen and continue to put your personal stamp on a business such as Boulevard.
Her longtime chief of staff calls me to inquire as to whether or not I was going to attend their 30-year celebration. I told Leslie I really did not have anyone to invite so I decided to stay home. However, I would come to work. I can wash dishes, run orders, or perhaps work at the host desk. She said she would call me back.
Leslie called back a day later. She and Nancy had discussed my proposal and had determined that I could work with her at the host stand. I assumed, accurately, they felt this was the safest place for me --- under Leslie’s watchful eye. ----- Oh boy ---- This is my restaurant fantasy coming true in real time.
My fantasy is the perfect job for me – no real responsibility, just welcoming people, being funny, chatting them up, all playing to my true skill set. The reason this is a fantasy is that being the host at a 200 settings a night restaurant is hard work. Leslie and Carly are amazing in every way. They are unflappable, calm under pressure, and orchestrating all that comes to them with efficient kindness.
You might wonder where I fit in --- with some difficulty!!! My first challenge was getting the table numbers correct. I don’t have any issue with counting from 1-50 but when the tables with corresponding numbers are place in what appears to be random order, that is a challenge. Getting people seated is only one aspect of controlling the flow of a dining room, which is not always predictable. I must say it actually turned out pretty well. I take instructions well and don't mind doing the little things.
This is not a story about what I was able to achieve, but it is a story about the human connectivity that happens in a restaurant literally every minute. For each person that walks in there's a story. If you choose to be involved in the story, it makes it all that much richer….. case in point
Around seven-thirty, three attractive women walked into the restaurant. They were well dressed and clearly good friends out for an evening. For me the best initial part was that they were being seated at table number two which was a table I had no trouble finding because it was after one and before three. Later on in the evening, they were still at table two. As it was approaching ten-thirty and the restaurant was slowing down I decided, not uncharacteristically, that these ladies needed me to come by make sure their evening was as expected.
Here is what you learn when you bother to take the time to engage with other humans. These three women were not just three women out on the town --- far from it. They were three women taking care of themselves and honoring all that they do for their families and the community. They were honoring themselves and each other.
They all lived in San Francisco. They were staying at the hotel across the street and just happened to decide to go to the best restaurant in San Francisco on its 30th anniversary. Nothing unusual you say --except!!! These were not just women these were three mothers who had taken a time out from their duties to care for themselves. These three mothers had two children each. All six of these children were between 18 months and 6 years. Trust me they have a lot on their plate. The dads were on duty and these moms were smart enough to NOT come home at the end of the evening as that would have only forestalled their nightly bedtime rituals. Oh, did I forget to mention these moms are also full-time ICU nurses at the two finest hospitals in the city. I am in awe of these women. Partners, mothers and full time ICU nurses. They basically have decided to live a life of full-time caregiving. The most amazing part is that they were remembering to care for themselves because without them the rest would fall apart.
What an evening for me – living a work fantasy, watching the incredible staff of Boulevard work together seamlessly, and meeting three women that I hope are models for others.
Restaurants are a citadel of real human interaction and I was at the precipice of it all. It demands that you be present and available at all times which in turn requires your focus and energy. No wonder I slept in Saturday morning…
Thank you Nancy….Leslie, Carly, Amelia, Sarah, Katie and Carlos
TOM
For some of my readers this name will mean a great deal. He was a big personality and filled the room when he entered. Harvard grad, exceedingly smart, excelled at his career and all sports he attempted. This blog is not the full story of Tom, the individual, as his life was cut short in its prime. He came to Goldman from the once all-powerful bond house Salomon Bros. He was co-head of the fixed-income trading floor during the halcyon years when the bond market ruled Wall Street and markets. He and his partner Paul ran an incredibly successful trading business and managed to make it fun at the same time. I think we all miss those days. Tom was many things but for this story he was a visionary.
He walked onto the trading floor holding an object the shape of a classic size 12 Johnson & Murphy Brogue. For Tom it would have been better described as a size 10 Gucci loafer. He announced that this was going to be a required piece of equipment for all of his traders and soon for all sales people on the floor. It was the first wireless portable cell phones. The cell phone had been invented in 1973 but this was one of the first commercially available to the public. In 1983, Motorola began selling this two-pound beauty to the public. The Motorola Dynatec sold for around $4000. Cheap for a master of the universe bond trader. This phone was featured in the movie Wall Street and was used by the famed character Gordon Gecko. The flip phone did not appear until 1989 with a revival in 2006 when it was a central piece of equipment in The Departed. By that time everyone on Wall Street had a phone and if you did not, well, you just were not. The fact that Tom was insisting that all his traders should have one was revolutionary. Who was going to carry around a 4000-dollar size 12 shoe? Five years later portable phones were all the rage. The rest is history and Tom had once again demonstrated his visionary ability.
I am reminded of this story as I write about the distance the digital revolution has brought to our culture. The epidemic of loneliness in our country lies at the feet of cellular technology. Think of this, my children (and they are not babies) have no concept of a hard-wired phone. I remember when my parents got a phone that hung on the wall with a long wire attached to the receiver. We thought that was pretty cool. The biggest issue with that phone was uncurling the cord. My home phone number was Hillcrest 7-3877. There was no need to have an area code in front of the number. The first two numbers were equivalent to the first two letters of the phone’s geographical area which had proper names. Hi (44) llcrest was Arcadia, Sy (79) camore was Pasadena.
I don’t remember anyone’s phone number today.
It is never what it seems
I went to the Verizon store to get a new phone. I had received multiple Verizon emails offering the new iPhone 15 for free. So, I walked into the Verizon store to get rid of my six-year-old phone and receive a new phone, but it is never what it seems.
I was expecting to give them my old phone and receive the new phone in exchange. However, my salesperson revealed that it did not work exactly like that. In order to achieve the largess of the Titanium iPhone 15, I would have to buy an additional phone line. It was explained to me that although I would pay for an additional line it would still work out that I would be paying less than I am currently. Now I am really not much of a math student but I am pretty sure that if line one cost x and line two cost y, the resulting total cost would be more than line x alone. Ricardo assured me that would not be the case. There were a few additional costs —- like a new cord! ---- none of my existing cords would function. Remember the last time they changed plugs? They promised that it was for our own good and that they would not change again ---- It is never what it seems
Apple lied and they are changing again and you will have to buy all new plugs ---- don’t shoot the messenger…
Life is like that it is never what it seems.
I write a lot about restaurants… I believe restaurants in addition to being the last bastion of personal interaction are also the last bastion of honest advertising. If I go to a French restaurant, I don't expect Italian. Restaurants never disappoint in that way. If politicians were like restaurants we would know what to expect. Alas, it is never what it seems…
All of this phone and plug exchange took almost four hours. Silly me I thought I would be in and out in an hour…. It is never what it seems. However, my friends think my phone is cool so I guess that makes me cool by association. But I am not as cool as Tom…. He saw this coming years ago…..
Rest in peace, you are exactly what you seem ——- a visionary…
JACQUES
Last November I wrote about the preparation of Thanksgiving dinner. My son, daughter-in-law, and I prepared dinner for 14. It was the following day as we looked back in our exhaustion, I came to fully appreciate the immense amount of effort it takes to prepare dinner for a large group.
This week, my son and his partners are opening their new restaurant. I travelled to Denver to see if I could help with the preparation of their opening. When I say “help” I mean painting, folding napkins, and washing dishes. Anything more complicated would have been above my pay grade. However, I dream of being a part time maître d'. Part time as in only when I can and only until I get tired, which is a fantasy.
I walked around the restaurant in it’s pre-opening phase. I was stunned at the sheer number of pieces of equipment that it takes to operate a restaurant even a small one. Dishes and pans of all sizes, you cannot have one of anything but you have to have scores of everything.
One walks into a restaurant—table is perfectly set, music on, and it all seems so orderly. So easy, you order the food, it comes to your table, you tell the chef how amazing it is, you pay your bill, you leave. Sort of like my Thanksgiving dinner --- except --- a small restaurant does this for somewhere between 60-80 and they do it night after night. Restaurant owners, especially those that are offering unique and delicious food bring their best night after night.
I walked through the kitchen while two of the kitchen staff toiled away washing a morass of new sauce pans, fry pans, dishes, bowls, spoons, knives etc., etc. Whatever you think of when you're preparing dinner think of it times 1000. I performed some appropriately menial jobs for my contribution. I painted a wall and covered up the painter’s “vacation” spots. Post painting, I found the job I was particularly well-suited --folding napkins. When I say folding napkins we are talking about folding hundreds of napkins, and in a specific way. Somehow it was very satisfying sitting at the table folding the napkins over and over.
I have great respect for my friends in the restaurant business. It is a business that appears uncomplicated but that is a misnomer. The ingredients that make this business successful are far more complicated than any of the recipes. What is presented to the client is far more intricate than the straightforward description on the printed menu. Low margin, highly complicated, incredibly detailed, requires many people to perform in exact rhythm would be one way to describe what is behind the scenes of any hi value restaurant.
As I sat there folding my napkins, I realized what drives people to establish a restaurant is the love and passion for their craft. The desire to provide a fulfilling experience for all of those patrons that pass through their entrance. Amazing when you understand that they seek to do this night after night. Consider a restaurant that seats 60 people. The ideal would be to turn the tables twice, a hat trick would be three seatings. At two seatings you are producing a memorable experience for 120 people every nights. Imagine the production and coordination it takes and you will have some idea of just how amazing running a restaurant is. Throw in a heavy dash of passion, you will understand just how exhausting and exhilarating this can be. Yet passion, dedication, and love of the art goes a long way in sustaining these accomplished people.
Masked behind the simplicity of a well-crafted and well-presented meal is the amazingly complicated effort put forth by these dedicated entrepreneurs. It is true artistry and it is new and different every night.
I am so excited for my son and daughter-in-law (he can’t do this alone) Knowing it takes a team, I am honored to know his partners and excited for their adventure, and continue to hope that I can be supportive.
Should you find yourself in Denver this is the place to go…
Jacques
(720) 545-0119
3200 Tejon Street Denver, CO.
I have to go fold napkins….
It Was A Moment
I had dinner the other night with a good portion of my children and their families --- it was a moment.
I took myself to a coffee shop Saturday morning. There was a 4-piece rock n'roll band playing ----it was a moment.
I had dinner a couple of weeks ago at an Italian restaurant with an old friend. We spoke Italian to each other and to the waiter ----- it was a moment
I watched a woman listen to music on her own ----- she was having a moment
We try through photos, Instagram, email, or text but we can never truly capture these moments. Certainly not in the exact manner in which they came to us. Time passes and the moments become memories and the memories become harder to retrieve. You know these moments; you can feel them. The dinner conversation flows, no one is fighting to be heard, everyone gets their turn. You learn something about them that you did not know before. It feels comfortable and welcoming.
You are present. You are not thinking of what you did or what you have to do, you are there and there for everyone. All is right in your world and the world around you. The family is talking to each other, they are present and available, no arguing just experiencing the pleasant moment of attachment and love.
I have become far more cognizant of moments like this. Or maybe I am just paying more attention as I am learning to get out of my own way and recognizing that the path is so much richer when you make room for others to walk along side.
Dinner with a friend and you realize that it is not just an acquaintance. You understand that this friend can be trusted and therefore you are willing to share yourself and the friendship becomes --- a moment.
The struggle is recognizing these special moments and that can only be done through being present, focused, and available.
Now the real trick is finding a place to put these moments so that you can retrieve. That is the challenge and the struggle. Rare and fleeting, these moments are butterfly wings in our fragile memory.
Be present, acknowledge them when you experience them and be thankful they live in your memory waiting to be recalled.
It was September 11th yesterday – a moment that I remember in exact and in vivid detail twenty-two years later. My hope is I will retrieve my positive moments in that same way without being assisted by tragedy.
Legacy
There will be much written about the money she made, which would be the natural outcome if you spent your summer appearing on stage before more than three million people. However, that will not be what my granddaughter or the many young women who were lucky enough to attend a Taylor Swift concert remember. What she will remember, aside from the sheer excitement of going to a live concert, will be the gentle kindness that is the hallmark of these events. She will remember exchanging handmade bracelets with other young girls whom she did not know. The legacy of the Eras Tour will not be about the money but about the joy and kindness experienced by the audience.
It’s been a tough summer for most of the world. As positive as a Taylor Swift concert is, it is against the backdrop of unspeakable suffering and the sad passing of other musicians whose legacy was a smile and a good time.
Pour me something' tall and strong
Make it a Hurricane before I go insane
It's only half past twelve, but I don't care
It's five o'clock somewhere
He was not the largest selling entertainer but he was the entertainer that sold a good time and the importance of enjoying your time on this earth. Jimmy Buffett was a musician that made us feel good and allowed us a moment to smile and experience the joy of being present.
I could pay off my tab
Pour myself in a cab and be back to work before two
At a moment like this, I can't help but wonder
What would Jimmy Buffett do?
Yet there was a melancholy to his lyrics as if to remind us that the party does not last forever. It will be time to embrace one’s fate and one’s legacy
Yes, I am a pirate, two hundred years too late
The cannons don't thunder, there's nothin' to plunder
I'm an over-forty victim of fate
Arriving too late, arriving too late
I hail the legacy of performers, especially musicians. Their lyrics and the music behind them live with us always. Helping us to remember the times we were in love, the ones we loved and continue to love. They are the markers of events that have shaped our lives and the people within those lives. It is the musician’s legacy of honest talent that help us build our own fortresses of memories and experience. It is so much more rewarding to experience their accomplishments versus the miserable arrogant excuses of failure that are demonstrated by men like Thomas, Munoz, Putin and Trump. Those names and those of many others will only remind you of the cheap and tatter legacy of men who failed. It is the poignant lyrics of the songwriter that form the legacy of hopeful outcomes in a world filled with disappointment
My granddaughter will fortunately have none of that as she will remember the thrill and excitement of a shared experience with people of the world who she did not know but knows now. That is a gift worth giving and receiving and it is thanks to the musician that opens the book of discovery.
Haul the sheet in as we ride on the wind
That our forefathers harnessed before us
Hear the bells ring as the tight rigging sings
It's a son of a gun of a chorus
Where it all ends I can't fathom my friends
If I knew I might toss out my anchor
So I cruise along always searching' for songs
Not a lawyer a thief or a banker
Lyrics by Jimmy Buffett, Ron Rollins, Jim Brown
…..I’m off to Margaritaville. Rest in Peace Jimmy Buffett and Thank you for the joy….
Language
I am taken aback by American arrogance. The idea that the world should come to us or be like us is more prevalent today than ever before. I spent the weekend surrounded by people who are fluent in multiple languages. I did a very unprofessional survey to find that every European head of state speaks multiple languages. 65% of the population speaks a language other than their native language. Only two of the ten candidates for President from the Republican party speak a language other than English or are willing to admit that they speak something other than English. Our last four presidents could not arrange for dinner, travel, a hotel room, or negotiate anything in a language other than English.
The optimal age to learn a foreign language is children under 10 years of age. Our elementary schools teach only in English. Almost half (43.9) of California’s population speak a language other than English at home. California has a population that is culturally 50% Latin and Central American. If our schools were to teach bilingual education, California’s youth would be able to converse in two of the most spoken languages. English and Spanish are the number one and number four most spoken languages in the world.
Why should we care – everyone speaks English. First, that is not true ---- not everyone speaks English. Second, speaking another language makes any circumstance in a different country ---- well, different. It is a richer more inclusive experience. It is also a chance to practice your language skills. More importantly, it indicates that we are part of the global community and respect others enough to make an effort to understand them in their native tongue.
It is not that our schools do not offer second language education but that does not begin until high school or college. It is not required, as most foreign languages are electives. There is no requirement to teach children a foreign language in elementary school. The minimum requirement is one year at the high school level and that can be substituted with technical education, visual, or performing arts. The Bilingual Education Act was renamed the English Language Acquisition Act thus abandoning bilingual education.
Our abandoning of education of foreign languages continues to isolate us from the rest of the world. While the world around us becomes more global through language we insist on being isolated in our Englishness.
Several years ago, I was invited to the wedding of an Italian friend of mine. The wedding was held in the south of Sardegna. I was painfully aware that not only was I the only American at this wedding I was also the only person who spoke one language. Everyone else spoke from 2-7 different languages. It was at that point I decided to learn a different language. Trust me it would have been easier if I had started this process 40 years ago. I have a love affair with Italy so decided that would be my language. Asian languages seemed a bridge too far, and Germanic languages too intimidating. After several years of study, I am proud to say, that with a fair degree of confidence, I can make a reservation, order dinner, get a hotel room, and take us from point A to point B. Aside from the practical application my ability to partially speak this language has immeasurably enhanced my experience in Italy. My insistence that I speak their language has made my trips to the Bel Paese extraordinary. It demonstrates respect for their country and culture and therefore they reach more genuinely.. I have made friends purely through my desire to participate in their country at its most basic level --- language.
I was reminded of the importance of learning a language over the weekend. I took a friend to dinner at an Italian restaurant. Our waiter was Italian and the three of us ordered and conversed in Italian for the entire meal. The food was great but the experience was much better. All three of us created an experience that others in the restaurant were not able to. We learned something about our waiter beyond just the ordering and receiving of food. As we drove to another destination in an Uber, the driver was struggling with our directions as he was from Cuba. Fortunately, my dinner partner spoke perfect Spanish, and off we went. The driver felt respected, we made it to the next stop and for all of us, the experience was rich and full of nuance of human connectivity.
The next night I was having dinner with a hotelier and his girlfriend. He explained that he spoke four languages. That progressed to a conversation about emotional intelligence. The ability to speak another language is one pillar of strength for enriching one’s emotional intelligence and thus creating a closer richer experience with another human.
It is worth the effort…..
Grazie ai miei insegnanti per avermi guidato in questo percorso…
Pac 12 Part II
It just was not enough said about the demise of the Pac 12. To that end I energetically ran into one of my most consistent readers last Friday evening. He comments frequently and I look forward to his feedback. He asked why I did not have a part 2 or 3 to some of my stories?
So, Dennis, I am taking your suggestion to heart.
What was missing last week was a further description of why the Pac 12 was important on a human level. Others might feel the same. The Pac 12 was more than a financial entity driving to produce returns for its investors. What the administrators of the Pac 12 missed, while they watched Rome burn, was the emotional strings that bound the Pac 12 schools in a similar way that the outcomes of athletic events, degrees and personal achievements bind a family. They chose to ignore the history which wrapped each of these educational institutions together. The athletic endeavors are just an outward reflection of the dedication and accomplishments of the students that attended these schools. No, they chose only to consider the financial repercussions and even in that they failed. I have nothing to contribute beyond that aspect as that is what everyone is talking about. Other than to say, enough already we know college sports is big business like everything else. Somehow that doesn’t touch anything that might be considered culturally significant.
I grew up in a house hold that was deep into the Pac 12. At the head of the line was my father. He attended USC and was an ardent USC fan. Some might even say obsessive. We went to the Coliseum frequently to watch USC play football in the halcyon days of John McKay, John Robinson and Pete Carroll; along with the parade of Heisman Trophy winners and games won. When USC won it was a good Saturday often celebrated by going out to dinner at one of my parents’ favorite steak houses. But it wasn’t all about USC football as my mother went to UCLA and when basketball season came around it was all UCLA all of the time, with John Wooden at the helm of the greatest college basketball program ever. However, life is complicated and as my family changed so did its relationship with the Pac 12.
I have two brilliant sisters who both attended Stanford University. As proud as my father was of their academic achievements I think it was a challenge for him to acknowledge Stanford as a formidable football school. Then they had the audacity of getting good at tennis, baseball and basketball (both men’s and women’s). He never said it but I know it must have been difficult to acknowledge that this northern California citadel of academic achievement could also win Rose Bowl games and NCAA National titles.
The loyalty to various Pac 12 schools continued to grow in complication as my son attended UCLA, then my daughter went to Berkeley, my niece went to Oregon and my other niece went to Washington. You can see where this is heading …Many evening, text messages, and letters and conversations about which school was going to triumph over the other. Trash talking became an art form.
It is the lively debate and interaction which drew all of these family’s members closer together as we won and lost with our Pac 12 teams. It is this unquantifiable benefit of the Pac 12. The rivalry, the recognition of greatness in so many sporting avenues along with the academic achievement.
And now because they failed to see it coming the administrators of these schools have allowed this bastion of family pride and fun to crumble. It is hard for me to believe that anyone in my family will care when USC plays Purdue or UCLA plays Rutgers (wherever they are).
Interestingly enough I think the biggest problem with the Pac 12 was they were just too good. Invariably one of the schools would go on a run and it would look like they were headed for a national championship and then they would head to Pullman Washington only to be upset by Washington State. Thus, we were once again relegated to watch Alabama play in the Championship game.
Life will move on and ESPN will chat up the games of Saturday. For me it will lack the emotion that history brings. Gone are the recollection of past achievements against your cross-down rival.
We have managed once again to take the unique and rich and make it predictable and ordinary.
Things will never be the same again.
Things will never be the same again.
It's not a secret anymore.
Now we've opened up the door.
Starting tonight and from now on.
We'll never, never be the same again.
……From “Never be the Same” written by Melanie Chisolm
Pac 12
Pac 12 versus the Big Ten
Growing up in Southern California, Christmas day was bright and sunny. New Year’s Day was much the same. Unlike the middle of the country which was generally gray and cold. The New Year’s Day Rose Parade was always a special event as we gathered in my father’s office to watch the parade. My mother would prepare a special breakfast with all our favorite items from Jurgensen’s Market, a specialty market in Pasadena. It was to foreshadow things to come as it was forced to close its doors some years ago.
The Rose Bowl was a particularly special event as we had strong allegiances to the Pac 12, especially USC, UCLA, Stanford and Oregon. What was particularly pleasing to us was watching Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler walking up and down the sideline, furious that their “three yards in a cloud of dust” could not compete with the passing show of the Pac 12. Those two had a combined Rose Bowl record of 7-14. The boys from the Midwest were bedazzled by the sun, warm weather, Disneyland and Hollywood. Only to return home to the cold and snow. Obviously it was not always a losing effort but it seemed to happen more often than not.
And now it is over…..
There is lots of talk about the inevitability of the collapse of the Pac 12. But the real loss is the intense rivalry that the Pac 12 had within its group of universities and the fact that the conference has won more championships than any of the competing conferences. But alas the conference has imploded under the weight of their inability to keep up with the times. Sadly, it is a perfect example of how money and power has managed to strip away the fun and history of this storied athletic conference and the incredible institutions that occupy it. Gone are the days of the student athlete and instead we are left with the massive communication enterprises of Fox and ESPN. It is a sad day indeed that money and gambling are the institutions we have elevated over these institutions of higher learning and the sports teams that represent the best of sporting competition.
This conference was asleep and now we are left with the odds makers. A sad exchange that represents the frailty of rich cultural heritage in exchange for the ephemeral nature of money and gambling.
RIP Pac12
Happy Birthday
This week, I was going to write about the disaster that is the Pac–12 Conference, but I will wait until next week.
Yesterday was my birthday. I have a love/hate relationship with my birthday. I am happy they show up because the alternative doesn’t seem like much fun. I also have this “thing” about age which I blame on my mother . When she crossed over, we thought she was 91. Turns out she was 96. Age is a sad judgmental moniker that is applied to all aspects of our society. It allows us to form instant opinions about people before we even engage in conversation. An opinion on a person based on their age is a narrow-minded approach to developing and building a relationship.
However….
I digress as I don’t want to write about that either.
On my birthday I was not expecting nor required gifts, but I did want to be acknowledged. I must admit I had a mental list of people I thought I would hear from. I also had a name or two that I wished I would hear from. Not that I was expecting but if received, it would somehow allow me to hope they were thinking of me. Admittedly a highly ego-driven hope.
However….
As the day progressed, I received many sincere wishes. I realized I was giving too much energy to those who did not care to acknowledge my birthday. My focus and energy should appropriately be on those that had. It was right in front of me as people wrote the simplest and thoughtfully elegant birthday remembrances. As I wrote last week, the present is a more fruitful place to focus one’s attention.
I am not sure if it was an existential moment but it was a realization that I was receiving so much from so many while looking for something that was not coming. My glass was filling and I was focused on the empty part. I was thinking of what I didn’t have and ignoring the immense amount of love and caring I had. I was focused on being needed while receiving messages that I was desired. Profoundly I was receiving the greatest gifts. It was in the present that I was being honored, not in a material way, but in a present and available way. Just that simple message of best wishes and hope for a wonderful day was all the birthday I needed. When I pivoted to the present and the thoughtfulness of those who cared….
I had a really good birthday……..thank you
……Love, Fred
Transition
I met my daughter for lunch the other day. We don’t do this often as she has a house full of children, a husband, and the myriad of duties mothers must perform to keep the wheels from coming off. I am lucky that she will make the time to sit down with her father one on one. I am positive not every father gets these opportunities. These lunches give us a chance to talk about things other than what we did yesterday or what we are planning tomorrow. It is nice to talk about things other than schedules. Our topic at this lunch was a challenging one ------Transitions
Transition: The process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another. Sounds innocuous enough except Webster doesn’t take into account the emotional aspect of transition. His definition leaves me a little flat. Transition in one’s life generally means a space is about to open up and that space will not be left void for long as nature abhors a void.
What that something is or will be is what sets the anxiety meter into hyperdrive. It can make us sad, maybe even regretful of leaving something that we loved and were comfortable with. I have been dealing with a transition myself over the last several years. Much of that transition was self-caused through several unfortunate decisions. My daughter’s transition is the transition of age. Her children, to which she has dedicated herself, are getting older and moving into different phases and eventually will move out of the house.
The transition of age comes slowly and thus allows us to think about what might be the most fulfilling new occupant. Rather than bemoaning that which is departing, a more positive exercise would be to look for something to fill that space before it becomes empty. Easier said than done for sure, but possibly a more fruitful pursuit than hanging on or fearing the inevitable. The past is always easier to hold on to because we are familiar with it. The future is not assured, yet we can certainly attempt to make plans. As usual, it is the present that is the hardest. Yet it is where we can be the most effective. It also has the added benefit of not allowing us to be sad over the past or anxious about the future. It is the place we can be the most effective and the happiest. Her children and my life are right now. She and I agreed to discipline ourselves to make the most of it. We are thankful for the opportunity and will smile while it happens.
Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving ---- Albert Einstein
Friendship
There comes a time when friends feel like family or maybe family feels like friends. Age does not determine with whom you become friends with or fall in love with. It is a concoction of interests, thoughtfulness, empathy, and some kind of magic. Maybe it is just a love shared.
I have been fortunate to have many acquaintances but I have been blessed to have a few very good friends.
Last week my friends, Daisy and Greg, came to Northern California to accept a Michelin Star for their incredible restaurant Bell’s. As luck would have it, they brought their good friends and colleagues, Rikki and Jeff. Few friends feel as comfortable as these two and now they brought along two more into the mix. It was the perfect combination of personalities brought together under the same small roof. They settled in seamlessly as if the house was made with them in mind.
Rikki and Jeff now fill roles that Daisy and Greg have long hoped for. They allow them an opportunity to focus on things other than the restaurant and cooking over a hot stove.
As much as we look for the next thing or a better thing, I embraced a remark that Daisy made as we sat together talking about nothing and everything --- “I have learned that I have enough and I am happy”. Friendship is like that --- good friends are enough. How lucky I am to have been able to share this moment with these good friends. The house felt alive, warm and enough. Every moment was enjoyable. The blend of thoughtful conversation with people that took care of each other and themselves was an experience too quickly concluded. I was sad when they left but hopeful for their return.
I am trying to express the feeling of fullness when people enter your life and bring joy just by being present. Friendship is not the same age, and does not look like us, it is just a magical event that is not always predictable but feels assured and comfortable. The language of friendship is not words but meanings. ---- Henry David Thoreau. I felt this quote was appropriate as I reach for the words to best describe this brief two-day interlude in the regularity of living. I am thankful for the opportunity and grateful for their friendship.
I have learned that to be with those I like is enough -- Walt Whitman
There is always a story
Stay Focused
It’s hard to stay focused…
As much as one might want to help others and express concern for the difficulty they face, we can be selfish. The weather is a consistent topic of conversation. I always have some meaningless comments on today’s weather. This is odd because I have spent most of my life living in predictably mild climates. Today’s weather is something we can do little about. The only thing we can control is how we prepare for the weather not control it. Global warming presents us with a unique situation. We have grown up with the understanding that we cannot do anything about the weather. We can only learn to deal with what the weather presents. Warmer jackets when it is cold or seeking shade by the pool when it is hot. Global warming, however, is a situation where we as humans can do something. Scientists tell us that it is a correctable problem. If we do not do anything then we can only attempt to exist in it. It is a psychological and scientific challenge. We have grown up with the belief that weather is beyond our control and yet we are being asked to change our behavior so that we can change the direction that weather is taking around the world.
The other massive impediment to correcting this problem or any other global problem is focus. Remember when the Haiti Earthquake happened and there was an outpouring of concern and help? Now all you hear about is gangs in the streets of Haiti. I suspect the same people struggling after the earthquake are still struggling. We have lost focus on the problem and moved on to another.
The heat wave is all over the news and all over the southwestern United States. It is another topic to be concerned about and demands our focus and sympathy. Three thoughts came to mind as the news focused on the people suffering through the heat which is the result of global warming.
1. We are sympathetic towards these people now, but as I sit here in 65-degree weather looking over the San Francisco Bay ---- will my sympathy quickly turn to the same forgetfulness as the Haiti earthquake?
2. Will this suffering convince the global warming deniers that it is time to work together and solve this problem? Or will they choose to continue to support the further development of fossil fuels and selfishly protect their individual needs?
3. Finally, I thought similarly to my gun-toting evangelical brothers when struggling to find a reason for a “Blue State” disaster ——- Surely, God is punishing this part of the country for their narrow-minded, judgmental view of, well, everything?
Stay focused my friends….
The Party’s Over
I wonder what it is that drives people to unselfishly make an extraordinary effort for others. It is a characteristic that is not shared by all. I am not referring to the effort made for a positive outcome for oneself. I am talking about the effort made to be enjoyed by others.
I was invited to lunch last Sunday. I use the word lunch loosely as the lunch began at 2:30 and concluded well after 7:00 pm. It was hosted by the renowned chef, restaurateur, and owner of Boulevard Restaurant in San Francisco. Nancy and I became friends many years ago when I bought an auction item at an event held by Billy Shore founder of Share Our Strength. Nancy and four chefs came to my home to cook a meal for ten guests. It was an amazing evening.
For this afternoon event, she had invited about 20 friends to her fabulous home in Sonoma. It was a beautiful summer afternoon. A pleasant breeze and mild temps for July. The food and preparation were spectacular and were enough to feed an additional gathering. The guests were all accomplished and interesting people.
What struck me was the number of people required to put on such an event. I stopped counting at 6, I am sure there were more. Since I am usually the one doing the dishes, I was particularly cognizant that this all needed to be cleaned up. That is my point --- After all of the greetings, interesting conversation, conception, and execution of Michelin class food -- it all goes away. By 9:00 pm there is no indication that anything had occurred just three hours before. It is like a concert. within minutes of the final current call, the roadies have put away the instruments, the equipment, and the stage is empty. In that very same fashion this lunch required all the prep and help of a good concert….and then — “Turn out the lights -- The party’s over --They say that all --- Good things must end --- Turn out the lights – The party’s over” --- Willie Nelson
In truth that is exactly what happens. All of this desire, energy, and work goes into creating an amazing event that just as suddenly is concluded. More amazing is there is no indication that it ever happened. What I am marveling at is the special type of person that creates these events. I am left with the memories of great conversations, meeting new people, and the pride of being included. However, it is the host that is truly special. Restaurants create this play every night. Every night it is a new event for the people that arrive but it is the creators that give it that energy of newness. Each evening, just like the party, it is all wiped away and ready for the evening. A shout out to the special people who provide the memories and clean up after…
Thank you Nancy for an extraordinary moment to be remembered…
If You Were to Wake Up
Last week I went to the Red Rocks Amphitheater in Colorado. It is an amazing venue built into the slabs of rock that form the foothills of the Rocky Mountains as they slide onto the plains of the eastern part of the state stretching to the Great Plains. I took my son and daughter-in-law to see Lyle Lovett. We have appreciated this musician’s talent for decades. Coincidentally the last time we saw him together was in Aspen. The world shut down after that performance as the pandemic arrived. He and his “Large Band” were on stage with the Denver Symphony Orchestra. It was an epic concert as the musicians left the stage at 11:30pm having first walked on at 7:30pm.
He is an incredible musician and song writer. It is the incredible talent he surrounds himself with that make his concerts remarkable. They are in their own right amazing musicians. Throughout the concert they are given the opportunity to demonstrate their individual talents. However, like so many things it is the collaborative effort that produces amazing results. This concert was exactly that --- Amazing!
Music is an emotional experience for me. I am familiar with most of his work but it is the emotional response created by each song that resonates so deeply. As these songs are played the wave of nostalgia flows over me as I remember her, them, him and the circumstances that attaches them to me and to the song. Sometimes it is the words but most often it is the resonance of the music. That melody which touches the memory of that moment when our hearts were one. It is the vibration of the music that recalls the moment when the family was together or the experience mutually shared. Music is your personal history of happiness and sadness. The euphoria of the time or the melancholy of the conclusion.
The notes are the same yet for each of us the music is so individual. I hear the music in a different way than you do because my experience associated is unique. Music provides a foundation for our memory to rest. It is an assist in helping us recollect those times that we wish to recall and have the desire to live again. Perhaps music is there for us to keep our hearts full and to remind us of lessons learned.
This concert as the others before and yet to come will remind me of the importance of music in our lives. If we allow the music to touch us then we will always remember. Those people and experiences will not be forgotten and can be held in our hearts. Music is timeless and helps us remember the time….
Time reaches to you just like a willow
That bends to the water and clings to the shore
And there was a time dear, that once you did love me
And there was a time you loved me no more…
“If You Were to Wake Up” ----- Written by Lyle Lovett
Living in the Moment
I am on perma hold for United. I am thinking about the days when I never had to do this. Working for an investment bank I had the good fortune of having access to people that did the holding for you. That was in the past and now I am on hold in the present. Later that afternoon I was waiting in an unending line of traffic hoping to move to my future destination. While waiting in traffic I was thinking of when I lived in a place where there was no traffic. That was in the past and well, that, too, was in the past. Now I am in the present and I am in traffic.
I am constantly being reminded by my many spiritual advisors to live in the present. Since we cannot predict the future and the past has already occurred it is best to focus on the present. Unlike the past or the future, you can do something, but sometimes the present isn’t that much fun. We are on hold, waiting in line or otherwise occupied with things that aren’t presently enjoyable.
Being present is hard
The past is a good place to self-flagellate ---- (The act of hitting yourself with a whip as a way to punish yourself) for all of the “would a - should a - could a” parts of our life. In other words, a worthless opportunity to undo the things we wish we had not said or done. A chance to look at the times when we refused to take the risk to be present. But focusing on the past is a unsatisfactory opportunity to be unable to change the results.
The future is just as fraught with the inability to achieve success. After all, if I could know the future, I would be writing this from my villa or my yacht. Or one can engage in the fantasy of predicting the future or fantasizing about how the future will be. A challenging exercise at best and a failed outcome at worst. Focusing on the future will yield much the same result as trying to change the past.
Now the present is where it is at. Literally, it is all we truly have. The present is full of immediacy, intimacy, and risk. The opportunity to express your true feelings. The chance to stand on the threshold, to expose yourself. A moment to express your desires. It is also the chance to receive an answer that will guide you down a new path resulting in pleasure.
The present is risky. You can protect yourself as you did in the past or you can hope for something better in the future. You can bring your authentic self to the moment and receive a better outcome than the past and something that is now rather than merely a possibility.
The present is the deep end of the pool. Risky, but you won't hit your head on the rocks.
As much as I might like to change the past or guarantee the future I am focused on the present. Taking the risk that I will be enough and satisfied with the to be determined reward .
It’s not easy…..
Four Fathers
We hear about negligent fathers and we read about divorced fathers who are too busy to be present and available. Those fathers made a bad decision, which short-changed themselves from the richness of fatherhood. I'm going to write about fathers who I respect and admire. Fathers that have embraced the richness and the rewards of parenting. They understand that the benefit of fatherhood comes later when those children become confidants and a consigliere for life.
In recognition of Father’s Day, I am writing about four fathers. I want to stipulate that I have known many fathers but given the limitations of time, words, and space I am only writing about four. I further wish to stipulate that the role of the father is not only played by a male. I know many women who play the traditional role of the father when the biological father has somehow forgotten that fatherhood is a life- long occupation and responsibility.
I had dinner recently with one of those playing both the role of mother and father. We had discussed this very topic. Coincidently as I was driving home, I received a call from Billy, a long-time friend and father. Billy has dedicated his life to the philanthropic efforts of Share Our Strength, an organization he founded. I have attended several of the fundraising events he has hosted over the years. I went to these events to support the mission but primarily to hear Billy speak. He is an accomplished speaker. His articulated message is clear, concise, and brief. However, my favorite part of his speeches is the stories he would tell at the beginning of his talk. The stories are always about a recent interaction with his son, Nate. These stories are always humorous and endearing. Most importantly they underscore the importance of fatherhood and being a father. Billy and his wife Roe are dedicated parents and share the responsibility of parenting. These stories demonstrated the unique relationship that belongs to fathers and their children. As Nate has grown older the stories have changed from cute to instructive as Nate attempts to help his father grow up in the rapidly changing world that fathers navigate. It is hard to navigate the rough waters of change. Successful navigation with assistance is rewarding and fun
As it happened Billy was visiting with another father. Shaun is a famous father. It is not his famousness that I find interesting it is his fatherhood. He grew up in a complicated family with plenty of road bumps along the way which might have derailed any normal famous father. However, he and his beautiful wife chose to move away from the distractions and create an environment for their children that would give them a fighting chance to succeed. It is this ability to compartmentalize his work in a publicly exposed industry from the importance of giving his children the best opportunity to succeed. The ability of fathers to separate themselves from their success and give their children an unencumbered playing field for their own is an achievement worth honoring.
A new father…. My eldest son welcomed his first child four months ago. This is his first Father’s Day. All father’s days are important but the first is, well, it’s the first. I love watching how he and Ingrid are building the foundation for this baby boy. It is how they share the responsibility of bringing a new life into this challenging world. I notice the care and detail with which they go about partnering. They are the perfect example of the shared responsibility of parenting. He will enjoy being a father as much as I have, However, what he brings to the table is the understanding that parenting is difficult, and having a real partner in the process will make this experience even richer.
Finally, I am a father. It is the most rewarding part of my life. It is the growth of the relationship with my children that I find the most amazing. There is a lot of focus on the transition from one age to the next. It is a pure delight to see these humans take their first step and then observe their accomplishments through education, the arts, and sports. Feeling their pain of the familiar passages of heartbreak, disappointment, and failure. Feeling the joy of their first kiss, their achievements, their successes. For me, the true reward of parenting is the growth of the relationship between father and child. My joy has come from watching and experiencing my children moving from dependent to friend to consigliere. There is no greater joy than asking my children for help and advice. The ability to discuss, debate, and arrive at solutions. They are achievements through collaboration. The mutual respect that comes with age, wisdom and growth through individual experience.
My children have experienced life in their unique way. It is this difference that has made our relationship richer, deeper, and more nuanced. The beauty of being a father is knowing that these humans that you brought into this world are indeed individuals. It is their brilliance that shines more brightly as they grow older. Being a father means that I have a front-row seat. All of this comes with love and respect. The combination just cannot be achieved in any other arena.
I am honored to know these fathers. I have great respect and applaud them for what they give to their children They are examples of the joy and love gained when you bring it all. Being present and available with love and respect. It is a formula that can only be achieved through the magic of parenting and being a father.
I am blessed and so are they
With love.
Happy Father’s Day
Trust
I was having trouble picking a topic this week. Not really writer’s block, just couldn’t come up with a topic.
I attended a wedding on Saturday in Denver. I have known this couple for a short time. In truth, they are close friends with my daughter-in-law and son. Therefore, they are close to me. They are a beautiful couple and their family story is heartwarming. The wedding was beautiful, and super fun. As a true test of how engaged everyone was at the event, we all stayed until the very end and were all properly over-served.
As I thought about this event, I started thinking about trust. Trust is critical in any relationship, personal or business. Trust seems easier to maintain in the beginning. Probably because we want to believe in the trust that exists. Sometimes we trust only to find out months later that we should not have trusted. I was thinking about the rationale of those that prefer to trust and those that violate that covenant.
I prefer to believe that we are able to maintain the trust we possess in the beginning. The realization that trust was not given equally is just sad.
As much as we profess that trust is important in our life, we somehow are able to look the other way when it comes to our political establishment. I am completely baffled by the polls that indicate we have a lack of trust in our institutions. The oddity is we do not trust the institutions made up of the people we elected. Yet it appears that somewhere just shy of 50% of this country trust a twice impeached, multiple indicted ex-president. He demonstrates over and over that he cannot be trusted and yet so many people do.
I read a statistic that 60% of voters do not possess a college degree. The people that makeup 60% have participated in a trustworthy relationship or have promised to be trusted. Therefore, they must know the difference between trustworthy and untrustworthy. Here we are settling in for a year and one-half of people clogging the media and pathways of communication with lies and untrustworthy commentary.
A large majority of this country is ok with it.
We stand in front of our friends, family, romantic partners, and business associates speaking of the importance of trust. To those same people, we continually promise to be trustworthy. At the same time, we are able to rationalize the lack of trust and lies from our leaders. Somehow believing that the outcome is acceptable to us.
A sad state of affairs….
Behind The Bar
I went to a small but popular restaurant in a little town in Marin County. Larkspur is the home of several restaurants but Restaurant Picco is my favorite. I was alone so I sat at the end of the bar. It was a busy night and the bar was full except for this one seat next to the wall. The barman was alone and as I sat down, he turned and said he would be a minute. Given this moment to watch and observe I did just that. This one man is responsible for the making and distribution of all things alcoholic for not only the bar but for all of the other tables in the restaurant. And so, I watched as he did much more….
Host:
He greets all who approach the bar. Even those who are not sitting at the bar. He explains what seats were open and how long the wait is for a seat. He is also greeting those who are waiting for a table and have decided they need a drink. He is the central figure for all needs and the pacifier for those too busy to wait.
Busboy
He clears all of the glasses, dishes and flatware from the bar as people came and go. He is the first and only wave responsibility to keep the restaurant looking always prepared for the next new customer..
Dishwasher
He washes all of the various glass ware from the bar. He puts them into the bar dishwasher, emptied the glasses when the cycle had completed, polished the glasses and returns them to the shelf to be used again.
Server
He distributed the menus and then explains the menu, takes the order and delivers to the kitchen. They only thing he did not have to do was be the runner between the kitchen and the bar.
Additional server duties – explain the dishes and their preparation – check to see if the food was to the customer’s liking and deal with the inevitable complaint.
Bartender
While playing all of these roles he is performing the duties of a bartender. He is making all drinks for the people sitting at the bar. In addition, he is serving wine and cocktails to all of the other tables as he supports all of the servers in the restaurant.
What I realized is that this single individual was performing over and over all of the jobs of this good but popular restaurant.
I sat in amazement as this one person fulfilled all the roles of a well-functioning restaurant with ease and efficiency.
This is a shout-out to all those behind the bar who welcome us to their home, talk food and wine, sports and dispense wisdom and advice all for the price of a meal.
Welcome! What would you like?