TWENTY-ONE
A dream of independence, adulthood, ordering a drink without a fake ID—so many things to look forward to when turning 21 in the United States. It was more impatience than anxiety waiting for 21. It was and is the experience that had so much promise and excitement. When it happened, it was all so disappointing and anti-climactic. There had been plenty of bars looking the other way. Drinking and drunk had been experienced perhaps for years before. Doing things that, well, seemed adult. But the reality was not that exciting at the frequented bar that we partied at the night before. The reality of actually being 21 was more problematic. Being 21 meant real adulthood, responsibilities and disappointments. Expectations became benchmarks by which we measured ourselves and others measured us. Somehow success and failure were more elusive before 21 and painful after.
This is how I am feeling tonight with an anxious stomach and fear of the unknown. What do I do now? How will I measure up to the new set of expectations I place on myself and others place on me? It is a new 21 which I was not expecting.
I have been trying to sell my property for almost six years. The final sale was in many respects the new 21 only without a birthday. During this time, I ran the gambit of emotions and experiences. Multiple offers, failed escrows, fraudulent offers were all associated with this process. Nevertheless, it came with the hopefulness and promise of the future. By the time it was sold and escrow had closed the excitement of a sale had long since been buried under the weight of failed real estate brokers not worth the email they just sent me. Not only was the close anticlimactic, it was the double whammy of cleaning up the mess left by others and the realization that I could no longer live in the comfort of a failed sale ----- Now I have to do something.
On the day the sale closed I was truly unruffled by it all. Just another day; no balloons or hi-fives, it was disappointing and anticlimactic after all of the anticipation, disappointments and disagreements. I am now fearful and concerned for the future and especially my future. How can I be relevant – rent or buy – where to live are easy compared to the overwhelming expectation of relevancy. If I can no longer complain about it not selling or imagine what it will be like when it sells. Now I have to find a new set of expectations for myself and find a place to add value.
I need a drink!