Happy Father’s Day
Last Sunday was Father’s Day in the US. There are similar holidays in countries around the world, celebrated at different times of the year. As an example, Italy celebrates fathers on March 19th. I have written about mothers and the incredible load they carry in the family. In a world trying, at least in some countries, to embrace broader equality, establishing well defined roles for Mothers and Fathers has been challenging. My prospective of what it is and means to be a father is determined in large part by my experience as a son. My experience with my father was not perfect but then I have not been perfect either. However, when you look at the entirety of his work my father was an valuable role model. He was an excellent father.
Fathers have a unique role in a child’s life. I am not establishing a value of importance or influence between mothers and fathers, but they are different and their influences are unique. Even if those roles are merged or carried singularly. Mothers role is all encompassing especially those mothers who work and raise their children. Even in families where child raising is shared, the father brings a certain power that is not better than, but different from the mothers. Mothers are kind, nurturing and supportive. Fathers present an image we are trying to measure up to or an approval we are trying to gain. This is equally observed by both sons and daughters. It is no longer the province of sons. For a father, this is a heavy responsibility that often can go wrong. Children need to have a father that brings a benchmark that is positive and of value. This Father’s Day I am thinking of my father as a father and about his son that became a father. My father passed away twenty-two years ago. He was an accomplished individual. Living up to those standards has been, at times, an uphill battle. . He was a respected attorney who was practicing law until the day he was taken to the hospital. He was in demand until the end. An accomplished tennis player, sailor, piano player and father. Although we grew up in a “traditional” middle class home my father treated my two sisters and I equally. We could all throw a baseball, play tennis, sail and most important achieve intellectually. He prepared his children to support themselves in the world to come. I was not afraid of my father but respected him greatly as he was well written and thoughtful. There was nothing “shoot-from-the-hip” about him. He was detail oriented and researched all subjects. I did not always agree with him, but his DNA and style of family governance remains with me. He was orderly and took care of his possessions . There was orderliness and then there was his order. I am not sure he knew exactly what I did as a career, but I wanted him to be proud of me. It is what fathers continue to bring to the family dynamic. We just want our fathers to be proud of us. Somehow, we just assume our mothers will be but our fathers need proof.
Parents set the stage and are watched and as children we observe their every move.
My father set a tone in the household and as I have aged, I have realized just how important his example was. He did not distinguish between male and female. It was equally important that his daughters were every bit as successful and as prepared for success as his son. Certainly, in male dominated cultures and households, that is not always the case. My sisters were also skilled athletically which is attributed to his working with all of his children on their athletic skills. He was detailed and organized. Perhaps a little OCD but, hey, a little OCD goes a long way. His interest in gardening and dedication to his roses has been engrained in his three children. He was brilliant, a certifiable genius. Now I am not claiming I received all of that but my two sisters certainly did – Stanford, Columbia, Law school etc., etc. His strong work ethic; moral compass; his advice wasn’t always the advice you wanted to hear but it was always even handed, non-judgmental and well thought out. He understood his role as patriarch and was always there to help you consider all the ramifications of the problem. He also understood importance of family and of being there when things came off the rails. He was not a wealthy man but when it came to family, health and education there was no budget.
I am hopeful that I have embraced many of these qualities as I am a father of five. So, on this Father’s Day I am thinking about my father and all he passed on to me consciously and unconsciously. What I miss most is his good counsel. Not the solution but the voice when I needed someone to talk to. I said the same at his funeral – “ I miss you dad, I miss being with you but most of all I miss your good counsel.”
Happy Father’s Day.
Emil Steck, JR. 1912-1999