Alone

The wind had been blowing hard for days.  The actual temperature was 50+ but it was the cold that made your ears hurt.  Not frostbite just that pain that made you wish you had that knit cap after all, no matter what it did to your hair.  I was walking on one of those days, working on my 10,000 steps, when the faint sound of something other than the wind made its way through the cold. It was a somewhat plaintiff sound but with a rhythm that was distinctively the blues.  It was definitely not John Coltrane or Sonny Rollins.  He was standing alone on the cliff facing the imposing water of the bay, the Bay Bridge, and the hills of the Tiburon Peninsula. Playing his saxophone with feeling and, for him, he was equal to the aforementioned greats. The bay was a spectacular blue dotted with sailboats challenging the wind which was fresh but not dominating. In his singleness, he was playing before none and an audience of many.  He was content as he performed before the unseen.  My guess — this is his happiest moment.  I am awe-struck by the singleness of us when juxtaposed to the background of many.  As he played to the beautiful bay and the unseen admirers to the east, a quarter of a mile behind him Highway 101 was rushing people to their destination in single fashion with a destination of the numerous.

I ponder our desire to be together, yet our need to be alone. Is it our preparation for our solitary exit? Perhaps we only have the strength or the energy to deal with the one and not the many.

There is something comforting about being alone but, are we?  Alone with his music yet playing to the world in front of him. Perhaps it’s the responsibility to the crowd that challenges us and requires so much effort. To be in a group, big or small, requires effort and focus.  Alone the work is not as great or varied and the focus can be concentrated, perhaps purer.

Being alone and loneliness are two different things.  Being alone can be contemplative, introspective, a chance to accomplish without interruption.  Loneliness feels sad with no accomplishment, unhappy or uncomfortable with self

For me, the dichotomy is the comfort of being alone but I have great joy in being with others.  I don’t want to be that cranky old guy.  Perhaps it is becoming lazy, unable to muster the strength to deal with multiple human interactions.  What is concerning is how much easier it is to be alone. The internet feeds into that. The unintended consequence is how much harder we have to work to be in the presence of others and that has negative consequences.  Look at Washington DC and how hard it is for these people to work together or just to be with others in a meaningful way.  Cocktail talk dominates the discourse rather than the effort of real conversation.  It is easier to hide behind the keyboard. This gives the illusion of being with the group, but in fact, you are still alone.  The control of how long the conversation lasts is in your hands.  If they ask the wrong question - press delete, mute, or pause.  Think how many buttons on the keyboard allow you to exit, but there is only one that says enter. There is always an exit when you are with the group but not when you are alone.  Striving for that inner peace. Is our true purpose to come together, to be a community? Are there greater forces that pull us to be alone?

I have a party to go to…..