A Chance Encounter

The other night I was having dinner at a lovely little Italian restaurant in Sausalito.   There are several things I like about this restaurant. It is owned by a hardworking couple from Bolzano, Italy in the Trentino-Alto Adige Region.  They will speak in Italian as I am trying to learn Italian.  The food is fantastic.  I was sitting on my own with an open table next to me.  A young couple came in with a baby about 3 years old.  The mom sat next to me while the husband retreated outside with the baby.  She communicated with her husband on the phone as they decided what to order.  I turned to her and said there is plenty of room for your child on the bench and suggested that her husband should come and join her. She replied that it would be a bother as her son had a lot of energy.  I explained I had five children and many grandchildren and that it would definitely not be a problem. She tried to convince her husband that it was indeed ok for them to sit down together in a restaurant as a family.

 While she was waiting for her husband and son to come in, she turns to me and said “I just never know when my son will behave.  We both work and I worry that I am not being a good mother.”

I was struck by the idea that she felt compelled to tell a stranger about an intimate fear that I suspect many mothers have concerning their children and the multiple roles mothers play in their family and the outside world.  There is so much judgment surrounding the way we behave by others.  Somehow, those that judge manage to compartmentalize their own inadequacies when casting judgment on others.  I remember when my first wife and I were taking our first child to San Diego on a vacation in La Jolla.  She (the baby not my wife) cried the entire trip.  I am pretty sure if they had taken a vote the other passengers would have thrown her off the plane (the baby not my wife).  I experienced a similar scene recently on a trip to Denver.   We were packed into the cattle car know as Southwest Airlines. There was a mother alone with her baby and three-year-old.  The baby cried the entire trip.  I felt so badly for the mother as there is literally nothing you can do to alleviate the problem.  What was different about this flight was the people that actually tried to help her.  Trapped in this tin can we all landed safely and the baby fell asleep upon landing.  I am sure you all have noticed that the airlines have literally taken all the romance, adventure and fun out of traveling – what a miserable experience the airlines have created moving people from one place to another. Again, I digress – back to the mothers and judgment. 

The young mother sitting next to me had a career as did her husband but it was she that felt doubt about her success as a mother.  I convinced her that her husband and child would be welcome in this small restaurant.  They were a super cute family.  How sad that she should be concerned about her qualities as a mother.    Her husband had no such concerns as to the potential conflict between work and parenting.  In truth, it is the men that create the cultural challenges that plague women and their self-esteem and concerns over their success as either mothers or careers.  In western culture, we believe we are making progress as to equality and opportunity.  In the eastern world broadly defined, women face a steeper incline to equality.  The cultural differences between the east and the west are complicated and not easily defined. I would be presumptuous to take on defining the multiple differences in this blog.  What this encounter with this young mother brought to my attention was the difference between our broad understanding of equality and how it plays out on the small stage of a young family.  On the surface this family was charting their course as we would assume people do today --- they both have jobs; can enjoy a night out and start a family. In the best of times, all of these things have their challenges and successes.  Yet for all of the outward positiveness of their pathway, this young mother is questioning her role, her ability, and the outcome. The depth of these conflicts in real-time in her world is severe enough that she discusses it with the guy sitting alone on the banquet of a small restaurant.  I like to think at least she picked the right person to express those fears .…